Well, this Christmas getaway from home was a bit different as we took Tia, Candi, and Nathan with us. We took a cruise to Mexico and stopped in Cozumel and Progresso. We departed out of New Orleans so we spent two nights in New Orleans before boarding the ship on Christmas Eve. I will have to say that being my first visit to New Orleans I had a bit of culture shock. I wasn't exactly prepared for all we would see on Bourbon Street. I loved all the buildings and history of this place and think it's a great to visit. Now I can say I've been there and be satisfied with that.
I wasn't sure how I would do this year as so far this year has been much harder and more emotional than even last year and this was 2 years after losing Chad. I really worked internally on myself to keep my emotions in check especially in the truck during our 10 hour drive from Bentonville to New Orleans. I didn't want to take a chance of getting emotional and messing up the trip for everyone else. The moments I felt I needed a little quiet time to gather myself I would just tell them I needed to take a nap and that would give me some down time to regroup. It worked out pretty well. I felt very sad in my heart off and on the entire trip, but really worked hard to keep that inside so not to put a damper on everyone else's vacation.
We had decided to do something to make it feel like Chad was a part of our vacation as well so (unbeknownst to me) Tebo brought the Marine pin the guys from his unit gave us in his bag and we placed it in the sand and all formed a star with our hands around it and took a picture. We took other little pictures (really to make me feel better) and Tebo and I have decided we will do this every Christmas trip from now on.
I never had the privilege of taking Chad on a trip like this and that has bothered me so much. I feel like he and I both missed out on some great memories that we will never have the chance to make now. It seems like incorporating him in our Christmas trip in some way will give a little comfort to that regret and while it won't change the fact, maybe it will make it hurt a little less.
Just before we left for our trip one of my sisters, Stacy, gave me a book by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) called "Choose to See". I was going to begin reading it on the way to New Orleans, but with the sun coming through the truck and I'm sure the anxiety of getting started on our trip was too much and I was having a hard time reading it. Now, I'm actually glad I waited and started reading it on the trip back. I've almost completed the book and I have to say that it is right up there with one of the best gifts I've been given from her. I won't go into the book, but I would encourage you to read it if you haven't. Even if you haven't lost a child I would suggest reading it, because it might give you some insight to how you could help someone you may know that has or is going through such a tragic loss.
Obviously as parents we think of our children 24/7 and that does not change just because they are no longer on this earth. It just stings more when they are no longer with us and makes us ache more. I'm hoping and praying that through Mary Beth Chapman's words I will be able to put some of my emotions in the right boxes and organize my thoughts better. Right now my thoughts tend to jump around all over the place and it causes me to feel like I'm living life in a fog of sorts. Don't get me wrong, I get up and go to work every day and do everything I always did around the house, but it isn't with the same heart I had before December 1, 2010. I know that it will never be the same again, but it would be nice for it to feel more organized and controlled.
While vacation was great and we made it back to land without incident, the trip from New Orleans back to Bentonville was anything, but relaxing. We had been on the road since around 6:30 Sunday morning and I had called daddy on Saturday to let him know we were back in the good old USA and on dry land and that I would call him tomorrow after church and he had eaten dinner to let him know where we were and just check in. Before I could call him my sister, Dawn, called and asked to speak to Tebo privately rather than on speaker phone. Well, I obviously knew immediately that something was wrong with daddy. Otherwise, she would have just called my phone. My sisters underestimate how well I know them... :) Anyway, I waited in the backseat for them to hang up and I said what's wrong with daddy. He told me they were taking him to the hospital by ambulance because they thought he may have had a stroke or something like that with his heart. So here is a little something about me you may not know. I'm not usually one that just falls all apart immediately upon hearing something like that. I'm usually the calm one and can start managing through (ok, taking charge), but you get the picture, but they are always reluctant to tell me personally anything that has to do with daddy. It's actually pretty cute and funny to watch it always unfold like that. So once I knew what Dawn told Tebo I called Stacy and started making tentative plans on what action I needed to take. Besides, I still had 4 1/2 hours in the truck with nowhere to go so I had the perfect opportunity to figure out a game plan. I decided if once I got home and they needed me I would just drive on over to Grove, OK and do whatever I needed to. Otherwise, I would wait until the next morning. Once we got home I talked to Stacy and she was heading home to rest and the parents were staying at the hospital. I told her I would unpack and get my laundry done so I could be there early the next morning when the doctor would arrive. That's what I did. Once I got to Grove and they spoke with the doctors they transported daddy to the hospital in Tulsa, OK and we all followed. Long story short, he has some things going on with his heart and we are still waiting on test results to understand how they will treat him. I stayed along with my sister and the parents in daddy's room on New Year's Eve and spent most of New Year's day with him until I had to return home so I could work today. :( I knew he was in good hands and it would be a day of tests and information overload and I may have underestimated both. It has been a long day for them that is for sure, but he is getting closer and closer to being able to go home.
I say all that to say this... It is so natural for me to always be thinking of Chad, because well, I'm his momma bear, but that boy loved my daddy (his BoBo) like no one else I've ever seen him love and every time (and I do mean every time) I would talk to that boy he would always tell me to make sure BoBo is ok. He would make me promise that every time (no pressure, huh?). So you can see that when I think something might happen to him I keep thinking, oh gosh, Chad isn't going to be happy if something happens to him. Then, I take pause and think, should something happen to daddy, I can just see Chad running down the streets of heaven (at a high rate of speed of course) to the gate to welcome him and fill him in on everything that has been going on while they waited for his arrival. I can visualize that so vividly for some reason. I just know how Chad's face would light up every time he talked about daddy or saw him. They definitely had a bond that was unmeasurable for sure. I truly miss that. So Chad, know that for now, BoBo is just fine and as strong as he is, he will probably out live us all.
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