There are many people who have lost a child or spouse or someone close to them that have shared that things will get better. I know what they mean, you will notice the hurt a little less over time, etc., but this year has been harder than the 1st year anniversary of everything. I don't know if it is because I was either so sick last year or still walking in a fog, but either way, it is very hard to see that it could get better (or easier). Whatever the adjective might be one day, it isn't here today, that's for certain.
I actually feel as if I am going backwards in my grief. I know that might seem odd or sound strange, but that's how it feels to me.
To be quite honest, there was a lot going on during that first year after Chad passed away. My youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, both sets of parents had health issues and scary ones at that, and I was extremely sick. I guess some of those things made it a bit easier not to focus on the grief, but to focus on everything else. This year things have calmed (as much as they can in a large family) and I'm finally feeling better physically so maybe that explains the way it feels like I'm going backwards in my grief.
I do know one thing for certain and that is this feeling is not only terribly sad, but it can be a bit scary as well. For me, I don't know what to do with grief. I could be sitting at my desk and tears will just begin streaming down my face for no apparent reason or I might just feel like shaky my fist at God and ask him why (even though I know we shouldn't). There are times I will just sit at the cemetery and cry or just sit quietly. Other times (if I'm totally alone at home) I will scream until I have no voice left. This doesn't happen often as I'm not home alone often, but the few times I have been that's what I do (most times). Sometimes just screaming out loud is all I know to do. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't really make me feel better, but it does seem to give me an outlet when the words won't come.
I have sisters and close friends that would be happy for me to talk to them about how I feel, but it's hard to put a scream into words. I know, I sound crazy (my husband my say because I am), but honestly I have no words. All I have most days are screams or tears.
Maybe one day the words will come. I can tell you it's not today except through writing. That feels safer (don't ask me why, because I truly do not know).
Sleep doesn't work, because as soon as I stir in my sleep Chad is who I am thinking of. I'm fortunate that I'm not having the nightmares of the doorbell ringing as much as I was, but I cry with missing him in my sleep or that's the feelings I have the moment I awake and going back to sleep in next to impossible so I spend a few nights with little to no sleep and then I will crash. It's a vicious cycle and one that seems to have no end.
I did recently read a book by Mary Beth Chapman "Choosing to See" that gave me some insight to how another mom feels. It's been so many years since my sister lost her daughter that it is sometimes hard for me to remember all the stages she went through. We were all much younger then too and I don't know if I would have reacted differently when I was younger and having to personally go through this or not, but all I can go on is how I tend to be handling it now and there are many days that I'm not sure I'm doing this right or if there is a right or wrong way. I'm sure there is no right or wrong way to grief and I know that everyone expresses and handles grief totally different. For me, it would appear that I keep things more internal and my outlets are through writing or screaming and crying when I'm totally alone.
I know there are no handy "how to" books on the different life experiences we go through, but wouldn't it be nice if there were things like "grief for dummies"? I guess that's why we have loved ones in our lives that have lost someone close and books with experiences that are the same to give us insight to how they handled it or are still handling it. I guess that is our "how to" book so to speak. Sometimes it just doesn't seem like near enough.
All I know for sure is that I miss my son and I ache so down deep that some days it is truly hard to open my eyes and face the day... I know I'm not alone and I know that this is not a new feeling for a parent who has lost a child (regardless how). Some might say there is comfort in that, but I can tell you personally for me, that does not give me comfort. It makes my heart hurt for that mom or dad, but comfort is not an emotion I feel knowing there are others hurting or have hurt like this.
I can tell you that even if there was a Grief for Dummies book, you probably wouldn't read it. I was given a book about miscarriage by a friend of my mom's. She so desperately wanted me to read it that, because it is now out of print, she went to the library and photocopied every single page and put it in a binder. And every time I try to open it, try to read it, try to work through it, it feels exhausting. Like I just don't want to open the door to so much pain. If I can just get through the day, do I really need a book? Would I be able to come to terms with what happened better if I read it? Maybe. But I also keep telling myself that opening it up will only make my pain worse because it opens the wound. There are definite stages of grief and you're just going through them. It feels like it's taking forever, but it's only been a couple of years and the worst thing you can do is try to rush it or, worse yet, beat yourself up because you aren't further along. When people ask me how many children we have, I have to stop and consciously not say "2" because nobody wants to hear that story. So, 4 years down that path and I still grieve. And I didn't have 20 years with him. You're doing marvelous, darling. And you're invited to come over and scream at the top of your lungs at our place any time because our upstairs neighbor is making me batshizz crazy! xoxo
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