Thinking about Babies

You know, I use to think how weird it would be to see my son have a son or a daughter.  I just could never really get my head wrapped around it, but once he was married and they would discuss having a baby I started day dreaming a little about what it might be like.  In fact, I talked to Tebo about wanting to work on my "3 to 5 year plan" to allow me the privilege to either work part time or from home or not at all (yeah, like that's ever going to happen) so I could spend as much time with grand babies as I could.  This would go for Candi and Nathan's one day as well since they live here in AR, but it's different when you are thinking about your own biological child having a child.  So when Dec. 1st happened I realized I will never know what that felt like.  Well, not completely anyway.  I will always have my bonus kids from Tebo to share their babies with and I am so grateful for that, but it did cause me to pause a moment and realize that I will never get to experience that with my Chad.  Here recently I've been giving a bit more thought to all of that.  While I will never get to hold a child of Chad's there are babies out there that will in many ways take on that role.  Once of which is baby Noahh (Chad's godson).  He is so dang cute and already trying to crawl.  He has Chad's middle name (Noahh Stafford Honeyman) so in some part Chad lives on through little baby Noahh.  Also, "Across the Street Justin" is naming his son Thor Wade (we think) so again, Chad will live on through him.  He even has a puppy named after him "Wade" from TJ, while I get that's not really the same thing, it does give me warm fuzzies to know that there are so many out there that love Chad enough to want to carry on his name. 
I guess all that being said, God knew he needed to fill my void with little things that mattered to me.  He is doing that with the help of many angels I have here on earth and I just needed to share that with the world (or at least those that read my blog).  Ha!
Maybe this is one more baby step in the right direction to find a little spot of sunshine in each day regardless how I might feel.  I went to the cemetery like I do each week and that's when all this came to me.  I guess I was missing the future with Chad a little more today than usual and that's when I started thinking about babies.  Well, that, and several of Chad's close friends are having babies.  Donut had his own little "Baby Peanut" and Justin is close to having his little "Wade Nugget" and Maxx and Emily have already had their little "Noahh Stafford" so I guess that has had babies on my mind lately.  I won't lie, it would have been fun and exciting to see a little Chadman right from my Chadman, but since that wasn't in the cards that I was dealt I will be happy to share in all the little babies that come our way for us to love on (and spoil) in his place.  It will never be the same of course, but I will make lemonade with any lemons every chance I get.  This will have to be one of those times.  I have to believe should Chad have had a little one it would have looked much like him :) (a mom can dream)...
Tebo and I will love on all our babies that come into this world and spoil them rotten and be grateful for every moment we have with them. 

Baby Chad

Baby Noahh

"Wade"

It's not always as easy as it looks

I try every day, well, every minute of every day to be strong and positive.  Some days are a little easier than others and some days I really wish I could stay in bed and pull the covers over my head.  I will admit that there are days that I find it very difficult to put a smile on my face or even get out of bed, but I know I don't have a choice.  Well, I guess I have a choice, but I choose to continue on each day and do my best not to let December  1, 2010 define who I am.
Truth is, December 1, 2010 did change me.  It changed me forever.  I will never get "over" what happened, but I can keep moving forward.  It does help to have the family I have and the friends that feel like family.  I am blessed more than I feel I deserve with a wonderful husband that without him I don't think I could be as far as I am today.  I truly owe him everything for helping me through this like he has so far.  My family is just freaking amazing.  They support me and just stand by when I just need them there, but no words and they understand when I'm having one of those days when I just don't want anyone around, but I always know they are right there should I change my mind.  I have bonus kids from Tebo that just at the right moment send me an email or a text message just telling me they love me or just to say hey.  I have friends that just understand when it's a good time to push and when they should just step back and let me breathe.  I have my bonus boys (and their wives) that just at the perfect time send me a text that just says "hey momma bear, how are you?" I don't know many people in this world that have what I've been blessed with.  I'm a very lucky person.  I'm sad, yes... I miss my son so much that at times I truly believe I could die of a broken heart, yes... BUT, I have every reason in the world to continue getting up each and every day to honor Chad and continue a work that has begun in his name and help as many of our military men and women as we possibly can and right now that has to be enough for me.  Some days the reasons I have mentioned above are the only reason I get out of bed in the mornings, but as long as there continues to be a reason then it's all good.  I've got this!  I may not like it and I may not want it, but I've got this.  I don't have it alone (trust me, I know this all too well), but with all my loved ones by my side, I've got this!  I'm like the little engine that could....  Instead of I think I can, it's I will!  I love you Chadman and that will never change as long as I take my next breath!  I LOVE YOU!

Love this boy

Mom and Son

A special birthday to celebrate!

Happy birthday Candi!  She had to share her special day with Father's Day, but she wasn't complaining.  She got to celebrate her special day with her special daddy and we had a great day.  Tebo and I celebrated Father's Day with my daddy on Saturday so we could devote Sunday to celebrating not only Father's Day with Candi, Na Na, and her brother Justin, but her birthday!  They came over for lunch (of course Tebo cooked) and they hung out for a little while and then left to run some errands and then back again to hang out before dinner (which again Tebo cooked).  We had steak, potatoes, mushrooms, and fruit.  It was a fabulous dinner, but the best part of it all was spending time with some of our kids.  We even had a little bonus with Justin being in town.  After dinner the guys needed to work off their dinner so they went out to the backyard and threw the football some.  We just sat around on the deck and visited and chatted and just relaxed.  It was a very nice day all the way around and we had a wonderful time and I hope Candi felt she had a wonderful birthday.  It's always different when your kids are older and they don't necessarily have parties, etc., but I have to say it is very nice to enjoy a nice adult birthday with our kids now and just relax with them and just watch and observe how they have grown into these young adults.  It makes you feel like you are the one that receives the gifts rather than them.  I guess that's the way it's meant to be and I'm glad for that.

Dad with 2 of his kiddos

Father & Daughter on their special day

Awe

Nathan, Candi, & Justin

That's more like it Justin, finally a smile

I can't love you back- Easton Corbin +LYRICS

As a mom (or any parent) there really isn't anything we won't do for our children. We sometimes have to show tough love, but fortunately for the most part, the love is the easiest part. I will say that I never thought my love for Chad would never be enough, but this song says it all. I am sure it was written to mean about a relationship between a man and a woman, but the words really spoke to me that no matter how much and how long I've loved Chadman, I can't love him back. It cuts like a knife and it's hard to comprehend that as much love as I have for that child/young man, it isn't enough to bring him back. I just hate Mondays. They seem to be the hardest days of the week for some reason and today is no different, but this song truly spoke to me today. I had never heard it before so I looked it up after it was on the radio and listened to it over and over again. I wish I could just love you back!

Father's Day

Sunday is Father's Day (as we all know) and I actually think I have the best daddy in the whole wide world.  I know, I would imagine everyone reading this will feel the same way (but I'm sure I'm right).  :)
My daddy is one of the strongest men I know and always has been.  He is the kind of man when you see him you immediately know he is a Marine (because Once a Marine, Always a Marine).  He just has that strong, unshaken look about him.  He is the one I typically call on when I'm having one of those days and I need "a walk to the barn" to sort through my feelings.  "A walk to the barn" started when I was in high school and was having a hard time with something he would always say, let's take a walk to the barn and our talk would always make things better.  Once I moved away and couldn't just go over to his house and take a walk to the barn I would call him and just say "I need a walk to the barn" and we would talk on the phone.  That sure has been cheaper than therapy that's for sure.  This Father's Day happens to also be Tebo's oldest daughter's birthday and the first time she has really lived close enough to him to be able to celebrate with him so we are celebrating Father's Day with my daddy on Saturday this year.  Tebo is cooking for them and we will just celebrate with them and love on him a day early.  I'm good with that.  :)
He just had two stints put in his heart Wednesday of this week and it hasn't slowed him down a bit.  I'm telling you, it all goes back to the Marine thing.  He is tough as nails, but he has a heart big as all outdoors.  He doesn't hold a grudge and he is the most forgiving person.  I think I may have gotten the "doesn't hold a grudge" trait.  I tend to forget I'm suppose to be mad or upset with someone to hold a grudge. LOL!  Maybe that's how he does it too, who knows.  Ha!  He works as hard as any 20 year old works and just in the past year has finally decided when he needs to take a break that it's okay to take one.  We are all glad for that.  He can sure make us girls worry at times, but he also makes it worth every little worry.  I don't know if it's worth the gray hair my sisters keep getting though.  :D  Stacy nicknamed him "Walter" on his grumpy days, which is actually pretty funny, because it's actually rare that he is grumpy and after almost 70 years he has earned the right to be grumpy at times so it just makes it more fun to call him Walter. 
He is pretty funny, because he has 4 daughters that he has to answer to pretty much 24/7 and he will complain every chance he gets that he can't get away with anything, but THEN, he will turn around and tell his baby brother that if he had girls they would always take care of you.  He has given permission for Uncle Phil to borrow us any time he needs a daughter (or 4).  Ha!  He is always telling people that every man should have 4 daughters, but we know he loves every minute of it.  At least that's what we like to think....
So happy Father's Day daddy and know that you are loved so much and there isn't anything we wouldn't do for you, EVER!  Including riding you hard when you don't behave like the doctors tell you to! 
Signed, your favorite daughter (Tami)!  :)

See, I told you - Marine

He sure loves horses

He is always smiling

The parents

He is a kisser...

Real Cowboy!

He always makes me feel better

California May 2011

So I am back tracking just a touch to get a little caught up.  Let me take you back to May 24, 2011.  Tebo and I boarded a plane in Northwest Arkansas California bound.  To say I was anxious would be an understatement of a tremendous scale.  Of course my Tebo was (as usual) amazing.  He calmed me when he could see the fret in my eyes and knew exactly when to make me smile.  The weather all around us was crazy!  Flights were canceled everywhere and when we arrived at the airport in NW AR our flight was the only one that morning that left and on time (thank you Chadman).  We arrived in Dallas as scheduled and there were military in uniform all around us.  Of course I make it my mission to try and speak and shake hands (ok, hug) each one I can get to so as I made my rounds Tebo was getting his Starbucks.  I saw two men that were certainly Marines standing at our gate so I walked up to them and said, "you must be Marines".  Of course they seemed a bit taken back, but rather than screaming there is a crazy woman wondering around they smile (huge smiles) and said "yes mam, we are" (don't you love that?).  I said I knew you had to be.  First I recognize your backpacks and secondly, only Marines don't travel in uniform unless they are deploying or on duty at that moment.  I asked where they were going (because that's my job and I can) and they were heading to San Diego, CA.  What do you know, us too!  I didn't go into detail as to why we were going, but when we got on the plane there they sat and they just smiled big again and said hey again.  Okay, they might have been a bit scared that I was following them, but they didn't really seem to mind (thank goodness).  Any who...  we arrive in San Diego and I get a text from one of my bonus sons (RoRo).  He was there!  Who knew?  I knew SSGT Cayzee was meeting us there, but no clue that RoRo and Brian would be there as well as some other top dogs (whose names escape me right now, sorry).  Well, we are standing there and the Commanding General was standing there with SSGT and he introduced us.  Well, of course I hugged him and THEN they explain who he was...  Hellooo... that might be something a mom should know BEFORE she hugs him.  Oh well, I would have probably hugged him anyway, but maybe not as quickly as I did.  He was over all the 1st Regiment Marines so he was kind of a big deal.  I'm pretty sure he might originally be from the South, because he told Tebo that his wife, Mary, would most likely hug him tomorrow.  Got to love those Southerners.  We leave the airport and grab us a burger at In and Out Burger.  I order and the guy behind the counter wanted to know where I was from.  My first response was "why, because I don't know how to order your burger"?  Hmmmm....  I guess not so much.  Apparently I don't have  the same type of accent California folk do.  Well!  After a laugh (at my expense of course), we eat and head the hour or so to the hotel.  We drop off our bags and head straight for Camp Pendleton.  We meet lots of (what I like to call) Top Brass and wait for our bonus boys to get finished with the practice for the ceremony.  Then they start arriving one by one and it was overwhelming (in a good way).  We cried a little (okay, me a lot) and we laughed and just hugged (a lot!).  We finally get a plan together and Shawn takes us to his house where most of Chad's closets buddies show up.  We hung out and Shawn cooked for us and we just chatted and laughed and spent time together.  Finally, I told them Tebo was much older than them and I needed to get him to the hotel so he could rest.  I didn't want him to over do things on our first day.  :)
On May 25th we get up bright and early to prepare for Chad's ceremony.  It also just so happened to have been his birthday.  He would have been 23 years old.  I know!  I couldn't believe it either when I said 23 out loud.  So I started really young.  I did mention I'm from the South didn't I?  Ha!  Just kidding.  (I did start young though for those of you doing the math...  13 yrs old maybe).
The ceremony was so sweet.  There were so many people there (military mostly) and the reverence and respect they not only showed us, but Chad was amazing!  It was so sad, but amazing at the same time.  When they prepared Chad's boots and gun it was probably one of the hardest things to watch and to see our bonus boys be the ones to carry those items ripped my heart out, but I could't imagine anyone but them to be the ones to do it.  Zach marched out with his boots, Shawn marched out with his gun, Brian marched out with his cover (helmet), and Seth marched out with his dog tags.  Can you for one moment imagine how heart wrenching that must have been for them?  My heart just ached for them, but they were amazing.  The entire ceremony was more than we could have asked for.  After the ceremony and before we went down to the reception the Mayor of a small town called, Santee (who adopted 2/1 Marines) presented Katie with a certificate (which she later presented to me) from where they adjourned their meeting in Chad's memory and they gave her some beautiful white roses (I can't remember the meaning behind those).  It was so sweet.  We went to the reception for a bit and then left to prepare for the cookout for our guys.  Tebo cooked his booty off.  He grilled 52 burgers, 36 brauts, and 24 hot dogs.  We figure we had close to 50 people there and it was the best time.  Those Marines and their wives were laughing and relaxing and just having a plain old good time.  We had bought lots of Mountain Dew t-shirts so we could get as many together for a big group picture as we could.  Tebo and I bought every one we could find in NW AR and some of the wives grabbed what they could and we just laid them all out for people to grab.  Once we had every t-shirt taken we started gathering everyone together to get our picture.  Okay, so one would think Marines were use to getting into formation (right?).  It was not as easy as  you might think to get them all in one place in an orderly fashion.  At one point I said "how hard can it be to get Marines into formation".  Shawn said, "Mom, you might be surprised, sometimes it can take us 4 days to practice to get it right".  Well, I don't want to brag or anything, but in about 20 minutes or so I had all these Marines and their wives and some kids all together for a group picture (well, all but RoRo, but Shawn called him right fast and he double timed it to get in the picture - lucky for him).  Maybe the D.I.s should offer me a job (just saying).  Anyway, Thursday morning SSGT took us up to the top of the mountain where the cross is that all the Marines honor the fallen and they leave stuff there that was important to them.  Tebo and I left a Colts badge holder and a TN orange Polo ball cap for Chad.  It was an amazing sight.  So as a sidebar.  We didn't hike up the mountain like our Marines do (thank goodness), rather SSGT took us all up in an ATV.  It would only go so far and the last leg we had to walk down this "hill".  Going down was much harder than I expected, because even with tennis shoes it was hard to get a grip (that should have been my first clue).  Thank goodness I had Tebo, because he held on to the back of my pants to make sure I didn't roll down the "hill".  The view was spectacular!  You could see all of Camp Pendleton from up there.  Heading back to the ATV I thought, shoot, it can't be harder than coming down so here we go.  I was wrong!  We went about 1/2 way up and I had to stop.  I seriously thought I was having a heart attack.  Tebo was so thankful that I was experiencing what I thought to be a heart attack, because then he could stop without looking like a slacker in front of the Marines.  Ha!  We finally make it to the top (just barely) in time to see little Ashley jogging up in flat open toed sandals (yes girls!  Open toed sandals on Mt. Everest)  Of course she weighs 3 lbs and is 21 years old, but never the less!  Ugh!  We spent the entire day hanging out with RoRo, Zach W, Zach S, Shawn, and SSGT.  We went all over base and just hung out and had lunch and just enjoyed being together.  It was awesome.  Tebo and I took Zach, Ashley, Lindsey, Shawn, Zach S, Lauren, and Brian (along with Suri and Mosley's little girl) to dinner on the pier Thursday night and just had a great time.  It was hard to leave on Friday, but knowing we would see them again soon made it a little easier.  Of course being who they are, Zach S, Shawn, Lauren, and Brian all met us at the rental car place and took us to the airport and sat with us until it was time for us to go through security.  It was so sweet, but not necessary.  We got back to AR in time for Tia and Alex to arrive and we awaited our visit from the guys.  To have to go out to CA for the reason we did the Marine Corps and our bonus kids could not have made it a better time for us.  Please enjoy the pictures.  We truly are blessed.

Seth & Shawn

Brian & Zach S

Ashley & Gladys

Who is really grilling? 

RoRo, Ash, Zach W, & Tebo

Robert & Abby

Tebo is grilling and gabbing

SSGT (I couldn't keep him working)

The Whole Gang

The girls

Zach S, Shawn, Tebo, Me, RoRo, Zach W, Ash at the cross

The guys

Me & Tebo with our boys

Our special stuff for our Chadman

Sorry for the interruption

You know, it's been a bit odd.  We've been preparing for or anticipating something/events since Dec. 1st so once it all came to pass and was behind us I found myself in a very strange place.  I've not really felt much like blogging, or visiting, or crying, or really anything for that matter.  I've been just, blah...  I will be catching everyone up on the happenings and going ons we have had, but right now I thought I would at least explain the absence. 
We did go to CA and got to see our bonus kids and had the ceremony for Chad (I'll blog later about all that) and then our bonus boys and two of the wives came for a visit (I'll blog later about that as well) and it was a great time (both).  However, now I find myself with really nothing to prepare or plan for so now I'm just left with my feelings (sad, happy, made, etc.) and honestly it scares me to death.  As long as I had something to get ready for I was fine, now, not so much.  I don't want to begin breaking down at the smallest things and there is a part of me that is terrified I might do just that.
So don't worry that I've been a bit quiet and not blogged much.  I promise to catch up and fill you in on everything.  I guess I just need to get my head around things first and then I will return.  :)

In the meantime, don't forget about R.E.D. Fridays http://400wakeups.blogspot.com or look for Daisy and Elm Jewelry and Rosaries on Face Book and support her business as well as our troops.  Also, don't forget about http://undergroundvintage.blogspot.com and support her business as well as our troops.  We also have a Christian rock band called "Take It Back" that you can search on Face Book or Myspace for and they too are donating to our Wings for Our Troops "in loving Memory of CPL Chad S Wade" with t-shirt sales and their music is reaching the world in a very unique way.  Support these folks who are paying it forward for our troops tomorrow!  Thank you in advance for all this support.

Me & My baby boy