Today marks the eight hundred and fourth day on this earth without Chad. I won't lie, it still feels like yesterday when that dreaded door bell rang. I hate this just as much as I did on December 1, 2010. It's not easier and the pain has not eased one bit. In fact, there are days that seem harder than December 1, 2010. When we make plans or something good (or bad) happens and I can't call and tell him about it or hear his voice when I just need a Chad fix I relive that painful day all over again.
Moving to a new house is not going to lessen those feelings either and it will certainly not "make me" forget. If anything it makes it harder to let go of some of those little things that gently remind me he walked those floors in our current home and not having that in the new one is something I am actually dreading.
Tebo has been amazing about making sure we have a Chad room and those special things I still have of Chad's go in their proper place. I'm very fortunate to have that from him. That will certainly help to a degree.
I feel sad and anxious at the same time at the thought of leaving our current home for the final time on March 28th and walking through the doors of the new house. I know we will eventually get settled in and find our "new normal" again, but it will not be without some degree of pain as well.
I guess this is just part of the "journey" we will have to continue traveling.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
14 more days
We have 14 more days before we will be living in a new house. I won't lie, I'm scared to death. My heart feels like it is being shredded into a million pieces every time I think about moving to this new house. The first time in 24 years I've ever moved without Chad physically being with us. I don't know how I will handle all this change, but I know I will figure out a way.
I have Chad's room picked out and basically know how I will decorate it and set it all up. I have the plan to take his baseball bat into his room first and put it behind his closet door like he always did, but that gives me no comfort in this situation. It doesn't make me feel he is there and it doesn't make me feel more comfortable with this change.
We will be leaving the first house we lived in as a family with Tebo. We will be leaving the memory of having his graduation party there and his wedding reception there. We will be leaving our Chad tree in the front yard and the memorial stone and flag at the entrance of the neighborhood. We will be leaving his room and where he called home before enlisting into the Marine Corps in 2007. Those things are going to be hard not to have around every corner in the new house.
I do believe that sometimes change is good and maybe I should welcome this change with more open arms, but honestly, I can't seem to find a way to do that right now.
I'm happy we are getting a house that we really wanted and we love, but getting fresh start doesn't seem like "the right thing" to do right now. I know I don't have to worry about Chad coming back and not knowing where we live (I know that isn't going to happen). I know I don't have to worry about forgetting Chad or the memories we shared in that house as I know we take those with us. What I will be leaving behind are the gentle reminders that he WAS there! The little stains on the wall that I know he put there. The countless times he would remind me to use his no-scent soap to wash his hunting clothes. The nights I would stay up and pace from the living room to his bedroom waiting on him to get home as he was late for curfew. Walking into the garage and remembering the baby skunk he and Tebo lead out of the garage with bread crumbs and it literally walking over Chad's toes to get out of the garage and Chad's face and the fact that he actually didn't breathe for a few minutes as that was taking place. All these things are memories, yes, however, those little reminders of seeing a spot he stood in or his bedroom and remembering the talks we had or me screaming that his alarm has been going off for an hour and he never heard it. Those things will not be in this new house. Chad has never physically walked into this house or given his opinion of the floor plan. Those things are hard for me. I know they seem silly and faily unimportant, but to me that is really all I feel I have left.
I'm certain these feelings will fade and I will get more and more comfortable in the new house and eventually it will feel like "home". I worry how long it might take me to get to that point and the closer we get to our moving date the more anxious I become about it all.
14 more days and my "new normal" becomes "new" again. I don't mind saying that I think "new normals" are highly overrated for me.
I have Chad's room picked out and basically know how I will decorate it and set it all up. I have the plan to take his baseball bat into his room first and put it behind his closet door like he always did, but that gives me no comfort in this situation. It doesn't make me feel he is there and it doesn't make me feel more comfortable with this change.
We will be leaving the first house we lived in as a family with Tebo. We will be leaving the memory of having his graduation party there and his wedding reception there. We will be leaving our Chad tree in the front yard and the memorial stone and flag at the entrance of the neighborhood. We will be leaving his room and where he called home before enlisting into the Marine Corps in 2007. Those things are going to be hard not to have around every corner in the new house.
I do believe that sometimes change is good and maybe I should welcome this change with more open arms, but honestly, I can't seem to find a way to do that right now.
I'm happy we are getting a house that we really wanted and we love, but getting fresh start doesn't seem like "the right thing" to do right now. I know I don't have to worry about Chad coming back and not knowing where we live (I know that isn't going to happen). I know I don't have to worry about forgetting Chad or the memories we shared in that house as I know we take those with us. What I will be leaving behind are the gentle reminders that he WAS there! The little stains on the wall that I know he put there. The countless times he would remind me to use his no-scent soap to wash his hunting clothes. The nights I would stay up and pace from the living room to his bedroom waiting on him to get home as he was late for curfew. Walking into the garage and remembering the baby skunk he and Tebo lead out of the garage with bread crumbs and it literally walking over Chad's toes to get out of the garage and Chad's face and the fact that he actually didn't breathe for a few minutes as that was taking place. All these things are memories, yes, however, those little reminders of seeing a spot he stood in or his bedroom and remembering the talks we had or me screaming that his alarm has been going off for an hour and he never heard it. Those things will not be in this new house. Chad has never physically walked into this house or given his opinion of the floor plan. Those things are hard for me. I know they seem silly and faily unimportant, but to me that is really all I feel I have left.
I'm certain these feelings will fade and I will get more and more comfortable in the new house and eventually it will feel like "home". I worry how long it might take me to get to that point and the closer we get to our moving date the more anxious I become about it all.
14 more days and my "new normal" becomes "new" again. I don't mind saying that I think "new normals" are highly overrated for me.
Friday, March 8, 2013
New chapters?
Those who know me well know that I do not do change well. I don't like change and I don't usually just accept it without lots of anxiety and thought. Most of the time once I have made up my mind to accept it I can usually adjust and do just fine, but it isn't without a lot of personal turmoil for me.
We are preparing for a huge change with moving. We sold our current home and have gone under contract with a new one. Most might think, well you should be excited and how fun to be getting a new house. Well, I would with the exception of one huge issue! This is the first time in 24 years I will be moving somewhere that Chad will not be with me (physically). I know he will be with me in my heart and he will have his own room, but unless you have lost a child you can't imagine how difficult it is to just be ok with the fact that he is with us in heart and spirit. It isn't the same. I will never be the same, but this is turning out to be a bigger challenge than I anticipated.
Here are some of the things that have consumed my mind and heart over the last few weeks as I try to prepare myself for this change. First, I will be leaving the last house Chad moved in with us and what if he doesn't know where we are? Well, I know in my head that it won't matter because it's not like he is coming home and won't know where to find me (while the devil makes me feel that way at times), but it still feels a little like I am abandoning him and that feels awful! Second, there are certain things that were placed in that house either by Chad or with me and Chad together that haven't been touched or moved until now. One was his no scent soap I had to wash his hunting clothes in. It has lived in the laundry room from the moment he brought it into the house and that was the first thing I packed in the laundry room box. I couldn't part with it as silly as that might seem. It will have to be in the laundry room at the new house although I know it will never be used again. Second is his baseball cap ceral bowl that I bought him when he was about 3 years old. There is a funny story about this bowl. When we ordered it we (he) really wanted the Braves bowl, but they were out so we ended up getting the White Sox ceral bowl. We always pretended it was the Braves and that child ate his ceral out of that bowl all the way up to 21 years of age when he was home. When I packed the U-Haul for Katie to take to California I just couldn't part with that bowl and he said it's ok momma, I will use it when I am home and he did. It is still sitting in the same spot it has been in since we moved into this house. It will have its place in the new kitchen as well, but it will not be easy to pack that bowl. The third thing is his baseball bat he always kept behind his closet door. That was always the first thing he would take into his room in every place we have ever lived. I have never been able to remove it from behind his door since he left for boot camp and now I will be the one to have to place it in his new room and for me it will be very emotional. It still has his practice ring on it and I've never changed it. I need to be the one to actually move that bat and place it in the new house. I can't let anyone else do it for me.
These are all very silly things in the scheme of things, but for me, that's all I have left in the physical sense and while I am sure I will eventually get adjusted, it will not be easy for me.
A fresh start? I never wanted a fresh start. I didn't want things to change for us. I loved my life just like it was before Dec. 1, 2010. I never wanted anything different. I was happy and content. I was proud of Chad and proud of the life that he had made for him and Katie and the life we had at home with all the kids and looked so foward to how life would be with them back in AR and as they started their own family. A new chapter? No thank you! I would rather have what we had and while I know that isn't going to happen, I can still wish I had that.
I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that loves me when I can't love myself and he has anticipated how I would be feeling about this move and unbeknownst to me last weekend he packed up the window seat in the front room that had all Chad's stuff in it so I wouldn't have to. I didn't ask him or say a word about it, but he somehow knew I would have a hard time doing that so he took it upson himself to pack it up for me. I can't thank him enough for that. I don't know how this weekend will go with packing up most of the rest of the house, but I know I can lean on Tebo if I need to and that does give me comfort. Tia has been very sensitive as well to how this is affecting me and I'm so thankful for that. It's hard enough feeling like this and feeling guilty that it consumes so much of my heart most days so not having to explain my craziness to her makes it easier than it could be otherwise.
I don't really have a choice now that we have acepted offers on both homes now, but to get adjusted to it and I am sure once we get settled and acclimated to the new house things will settle down, but right now my emotions are completely and utterly out of control.
All prayers are welcomed and appreciated as we move into this new chapter of our lives. Please and thank you.
We are preparing for a huge change with moving. We sold our current home and have gone under contract with a new one. Most might think, well you should be excited and how fun to be getting a new house. Well, I would with the exception of one huge issue! This is the first time in 24 years I will be moving somewhere that Chad will not be with me (physically). I know he will be with me in my heart and he will have his own room, but unless you have lost a child you can't imagine how difficult it is to just be ok with the fact that he is with us in heart and spirit. It isn't the same. I will never be the same, but this is turning out to be a bigger challenge than I anticipated.
Here are some of the things that have consumed my mind and heart over the last few weeks as I try to prepare myself for this change. First, I will be leaving the last house Chad moved in with us and what if he doesn't know where we are? Well, I know in my head that it won't matter because it's not like he is coming home and won't know where to find me (while the devil makes me feel that way at times), but it still feels a little like I am abandoning him and that feels awful! Second, there are certain things that were placed in that house either by Chad or with me and Chad together that haven't been touched or moved until now. One was his no scent soap I had to wash his hunting clothes in. It has lived in the laundry room from the moment he brought it into the house and that was the first thing I packed in the laundry room box. I couldn't part with it as silly as that might seem. It will have to be in the laundry room at the new house although I know it will never be used again. Second is his baseball cap ceral bowl that I bought him when he was about 3 years old. There is a funny story about this bowl. When we ordered it we (he) really wanted the Braves bowl, but they were out so we ended up getting the White Sox ceral bowl. We always pretended it was the Braves and that child ate his ceral out of that bowl all the way up to 21 years of age when he was home. When I packed the U-Haul for Katie to take to California I just couldn't part with that bowl and he said it's ok momma, I will use it when I am home and he did. It is still sitting in the same spot it has been in since we moved into this house. It will have its place in the new kitchen as well, but it will not be easy to pack that bowl. The third thing is his baseball bat he always kept behind his closet door. That was always the first thing he would take into his room in every place we have ever lived. I have never been able to remove it from behind his door since he left for boot camp and now I will be the one to have to place it in his new room and for me it will be very emotional. It still has his practice ring on it and I've never changed it. I need to be the one to actually move that bat and place it in the new house. I can't let anyone else do it for me.
These are all very silly things in the scheme of things, but for me, that's all I have left in the physical sense and while I am sure I will eventually get adjusted, it will not be easy for me.
A fresh start? I never wanted a fresh start. I didn't want things to change for us. I loved my life just like it was before Dec. 1, 2010. I never wanted anything different. I was happy and content. I was proud of Chad and proud of the life that he had made for him and Katie and the life we had at home with all the kids and looked so foward to how life would be with them back in AR and as they started their own family. A new chapter? No thank you! I would rather have what we had and while I know that isn't going to happen, I can still wish I had that.
I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that loves me when I can't love myself and he has anticipated how I would be feeling about this move and unbeknownst to me last weekend he packed up the window seat in the front room that had all Chad's stuff in it so I wouldn't have to. I didn't ask him or say a word about it, but he somehow knew I would have a hard time doing that so he took it upson himself to pack it up for me. I can't thank him enough for that. I don't know how this weekend will go with packing up most of the rest of the house, but I know I can lean on Tebo if I need to and that does give me comfort. Tia has been very sensitive as well to how this is affecting me and I'm so thankful for that. It's hard enough feeling like this and feeling guilty that it consumes so much of my heart most days so not having to explain my craziness to her makes it easier than it could be otherwise.
I don't really have a choice now that we have acepted offers on both homes now, but to get adjusted to it and I am sure once we get settled and acclimated to the new house things will settle down, but right now my emotions are completely and utterly out of control.
All prayers are welcomed and appreciated as we move into this new chapter of our lives. Please and thank you.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Ready or Not
Well, it's official! We have an accepted offer on our house and we have an accepted offer on a new one. I'm feeling very odd about this move for some reason. I can't seem to get my head around anything other than the logistics of the actual move. I feel torn, Tebo and I moved into that house New Year's Eve 2005 and Chad moved in with us. He lived there for 2 years with us before enlisting into the Marine Corps. There were 3 things I've never changed or moved since we moved in. One was his ball cap ceral bowl I ordered for him when he was about 2 years old and it still sits on the top shelf above all other dishes in the kitchen cabinet. The second is his baseball bat he placed behind his closet door the day we moved in. Yes, I will place it in "his" room at the new house, but it isn't like he put it there (I just know that is what he would do first thing). The third (as odd as this will sound) is the soap I was suppose to use when washing his hunting clothes. It's such a big deal that when I packed up the laundry room that was the first thing I grabbed and put in the box. Now, I will NEVER use this again, but knowing it is there when he was so adamant that I use only that with those clothes that I've never been able to get rid of it. These are such silly things I know, but to me they feel huge. I'm fortunate enough that Tebo packed up the window seat in the front room that had all Chad's USMC stuff in it so I didn't have to go through it and relive all that right now. I have his room picked out in the new house and that does make me feel some better, but it will be so different. This will be the first house ever that I have lived in without Chad. I don't know how I feel about this. I can see good and bad from this experience. Yes, it starts a new chapter and maybe some memories won't sting as badly in a new place, but those memories are still there 24/7 and while in some ways it might be good, there are many things that make me feel very anxious and not in a good way.
I know I have loving support from family and friends that will help navigate this new territory, but I can honestly say that I am very overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Anxiety on how I will readjust my life to these new surroundings and fear of leaving something comfortable and familiar like our house is today. I know it's just a house (a structure), but Chad graduated high school in that house, he enlisted in the Marine Corps in that house, he got married and had the reception in that house, and that's where we lived when the dreaded doorbell rang. I have a lot to sort through my mind with all this and I pray the Lord gives me peace and soon. I don't like these crazy out of control feelings rushing through my mind. Ugh! Change has never been easy for me, but this one might just take the cake.
I know I have loving support from family and friends that will help navigate this new territory, but I can honestly say that I am very overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. Anxiety on how I will readjust my life to these new surroundings and fear of leaving something comfortable and familiar like our house is today. I know it's just a house (a structure), but Chad graduated high school in that house, he enlisted in the Marine Corps in that house, he got married and had the reception in that house, and that's where we lived when the dreaded doorbell rang. I have a lot to sort through my mind with all this and I pray the Lord gives me peace and soon. I don't like these crazy out of control feelings rushing through my mind. Ugh! Change has never been easy for me, but this one might just take the cake.
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