One year mark

This Thursday,Dec. 1st will mark one year that my only baby was taken from this earth. I decided to blog today because I want to allow myself to cope Thursday the best way I can and that may mean most of my day is spent at the cemetery or walking around or just sitting quietly somewhere. Either way I wanted to make sure I captured how I feel now in hopes that I will be able to revisit one day should I want to.
I won't lie. I'm sad. I'm a kind of sad that I knew existed but never wanted to feel like this. There is truly not one moment of my life since last Dec. 1st that I don't miss and long for my son. Many have told me that while these feelings won't go away it will get easier. I'm not sure I truly believe that but I will humor the masses and say ok and thank you. For me I don't have another biological child to focus my energy into. I won't ever have the option of having another child. All I'm left with are those precious memories and the knowledge that I will be reunited with him again one day. Unfortunately I've been physically sick for a few months now and cannot seem to get better. I don't doubt that the grief I feel play a small role in my health, but if I did feel better I believe I could manage through this horrible dates a bit stronger. Either way it is what it is and apparently it is meant for me to go through this and while I certainly don't know the reason yet I can only hope and pray one day I will.
I am blessed to have 4 bonus kids with Tebo and they have all in their own ways made sure I know they love me and are here when I need them. I also get that from my bonus Marine kids as well and they make sure they check on me regularly and I'm so grateful for that. My family and friends have been amazing and want to do more but I don't know what that is. I don't need or want anything and prefer to just do this on my own. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that truly loves me unconditionally and allows me to feel what I feel without question. I wish it was enough to take the sadness away or bring my son back but it can't but it does help.
Don't take this blog as me wanting sympathy or anything like that. That is not what this is about. It's simply about me missing my son and feeling sad for losing him. With every breath I take I think of him and miss him. I believe some days are so bad that I might truly die of a broken heart but that would probably be too easy for me. I will continue to live life and do my best and work our Wings for Our Troops foundation, but it will all be with. A broken heart and some bittersweet moments as well. It sure is hard to know the only way I will ever see that crooked smile or that lean strong body and that sense of humor will be in heaven.
Those who have ever lost a child knows how that feels and sadly unless you are unfortunate enough to be in this group it's truly hard to explain. Oh I'm grateful. Don't get me wrong. I got more time with my son than others have had and it's been good quality time with him. I was lucky enough to watch him grow, graduate high school, join the Marine Corps and graduate from boot camp and become an amazing Marine and see him get married. There are many parents that didn't get that so I'm grateful but I'm selfish too because I wanted more. I wanted to see the man and husband he would have been after the Corps. I wanted to see him as a daddy. I know he would have been an amazing daddy. That's not going to happen and I get that but it doesn't mean I don't still long for it.
Until the day the Lord sees fit to take me I will live and miss you Chadman and will anxiously await our reunion. All my love, mom

Giving Thanks

Since it is the season to give thanks with Thanksgiving this week I was actually feeling sorry for myself for a moment that I won't have my son here on this earth this year.  After having him for 22 Thanksgivings I was really feeling low.  Then I decided I should stop and truly be thankful for what I did have with him.  So here goes my attempt to have more to be thankful for than I initially thought.
I'm thankful that I spent 22 years just really being his mom.  I made sure I made every event (practices included) he may have had and in every sport.  I'm thankful that even when I hated the thought of him roller blading and jump those ramps that I just allowed him to go through that stage (FYI, that was a really long stage).  I'm thankful that rather than getting mad and insisting he speak properly, I allowed him to spend one full school year (yes people, an entire school year) speaking really bad British.  I'm so thankful that I was there when he had a melt down after graduation and when I hugged him I felt his entire body relax.  I'm thankful that our last Christmas with just he and I that I splurged and bought him that limited edition guitar he wanted so badly.  I'm thankful that I supported him 100% when he decided to join the Marine Corps.  It was the hardest thing to do to watch him board that bus headed for boot camp and yet I was so full of pride at the same time.  I'm so thankful that I married a man that loves us so much that he made sure every time Chad could come home that he made sure we could purchase the ticket to get him here.  I'm so thankful that before my only child passed from this earth I got to see him fall in love and be married.  I'm thankful that we had 11 days of pure heaven on earth with him before he deployed to Afghanistan.  I'm thankful for all the bonus sons and daughters I've gained through Chad.
Oh sure, I could dwell on the fact that my son isn't here anymore, but that would do myself nor anyone else any good, but rather I'm thankful to know I never have to worry about his safety again or if he is being shot at or if he is arriving to and from destinations without an accident again.  I know where he is and I know he is safe and now happy and healthy, for that I am so very thankful. 
Don't get me wrong, if I could do Dec. 1, 2010 all over again, my son would still be here, but I can't.  All I can do now is hold on to those things that I am grateful for, because there are lots of parents out there that didn't get near what I got with Chad and that is a sad thing.  So this year being the first year in 22 years that I won't have my baby on this earth, I refuse to allow myself to go to that dark place.  Instead, I will hold on to all I am thankful for and got to experience with him.  Be thankful for your children today and every day as we are not promised tomorrow. 

Love this T-shirt and thankful I have it now

Chad approx. 3 yrs old

Chad on his wedding day 9/18/09

Me & Chad on pre-deployment leave to Iraq 2009

Just before getting on that bus to Boot Camp in Kansas City

Senior Picture

On the lake with the Wilson's

His very 1st deer!

USMC Ball

What an honor we had this weekend.  The Marine Corps (Major Martinez) invited us to join them at the Marine Corps ball this past weekend on Nov. 12th.  As a bonus, they invited daddy to attend with us since he is a Marine brother of theirs.  Daddy and Barbara agreed to go and the Corps put us up in a nice hotel room for the night and we had so much fun.  Tebo and Daddy had their tuxedos on and Barbara and I wore our evening gowns.  It was fun to get all dressed up for a change and feel like a princess.  So let me give you the scoop on how things went leading up to our big date night.  First around the first of Oct. daddy had his gallbladder removed.  Just before that he was in tremendous pain and they finally did his surgery.  Two to three weeks later, I have my gallbladder out as well as quite a bit of scar tissue removed.  Then to make matters worse the day before my gallbladder surgery I thought it a good idea to have major dental work done (6 hours of it to be exact) because surely recovering one big time is better than recovering twice.  Duh!  Well, I won't go into how wrong I was about all that.  Then, about 3 to 4 days after having my gallbladder removed I pick up a stomach bug.  Oh yeah, good times in the Boyett house.  I throw up so much I dislocated two ribs (but it didn't hit me that this was the issue for almost a week).  I had them reset on a Monday and they were out again by Thursday.  Had them reset on Thursday (before the ball) and he taped my ribs up to hopefully hold them in place.  Of course my first question is my dress going to fit with this tape.  I guess that was funny since when I finally saw the tape he was talking about it was quite thin.  :)  I pick up my dress for the final fitting and since I had lost close to 10 lbs since my last fitting it was a tad loose, but it was ok enough that you couldn't really tell (that or the tape helped).  Ha!  Anyway, we get ready for our big weekend and Saturday morning I go in at 9:00 to get my hair did.  I was getting an updo which sounds simple enough.  Well, I came out of there looking like I just stepped out of "Little House on the Prairie" (no lie).  I have a complete melt down because I'm hair retarded and I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was NOT going to attend the ball with that hair.  My "rock-star" neighbor came over and we tamed the beast a little before Tebo and daddy walked in and Tebo being, well Tebo, said don't worry about it.  When we get the hotel you can just use your rollers and fix it like you did the other day and it will look great.  See why I keep him around?  :)  We all get in the truck and head to Springfield, MO to check into the hotel.  When we first arrive our room is ready, but daddy's and Barbara's wasn't so they hung out in our room until it was ready.  In the meantime, Tebo goes to the store and gets snacks, soft drinks, and wine to hold us over until cocktail hour and dinner.  Their room was ready and we all start getting dolled up for our big night.  Of course, if the invitation says cocktails and pictures at 1700 (5:00) then you can bet I'm going to be there at 1700.  We get their at 1700 and we are the only ones there for quite some time.  Oh well, what else did we have to do anyway?  So we get in line and get our pictures taken and once we are seated (at the head table) we can just watch as a flood of dress blues with their stunning dates in tow file into the ballroom.  It was a sight to behold let me tell you.  Being at the head table like we were we were right in front of the dance floor so we had the best view for the entertainment all night.  It was great.  The food was good and the company was even better.  I did get my dance with daddy and it was quite funny.  The first dance we were dancing to you couldn't hear the music at all, but we had already gone to the dance floor and started dancing so we just decided to go with it.  I guess you could say we were dancing to our own beat of the drum (in our heads).  Ha!  Then the music started up and we could actually hear the song (bonus for me, cause I got me 2 dances)... Heheheheheheee...  Then as luck would have it, just as we finish our slow dance one of my favorite (I know it's old people) songs came on "Apple Bottom Jeans/Boots with the Fur"!  Oh yeah baby!  I'm not so sure that it wasn't that particular song that caused my ribs to dislocate again, but I guess that's always a possibility.  Anywho... It was fun.  Tebo and I had our fair share of our dances together and I can tell you, I don't think I could ever get tired of that for sure.  I love to dance (although I have no ability and apparently I like to lead) and I could have danced with my honey all night long.  The parents left to return to the hotel around 10:00ish and we stayed about another 45 min. to an hour and then headed back.  Truth be known we may have made it back to our room the same time the parents did as they got lost (which I will say was not hard to do in that crazy hotel).  Below are a few of our pictures from Saturday night.  I truly felt like Cinderella at the ball. 

Me and my sweet husband

The parents

The four of us

This was us dancing to no music!

Awe, they still go it

Okay, this was the real music

Tebo and me with our guys

YMCA!

A Marine proposed... she said yes!

MIA

I know I've been MIA lately, but I've been trying to recover from some minor surgeries I had and I am ashamed to say, they have kicked my "arss".  Two weeks ago on Wednesday I had some dental surgery.  Un-be-knownst to me it took 6 hours from start to finish.  Then the next morning I had my gallbladder and quite a bit of scar tissue removed.  If that wasn't enough, the Tuesday/Wednesday following surgery I got what we now believe was a stomach bug.  I was throwing up for hours and had had very little to no food so I'm not sure where it was coming from, but I was some kind of sick.  I've always been able to pride myself in the fact that very little gets me down and I am usually bouncing back from anything like surgery really quickly with little to no pain.  Well let me tell ya, I don't know what in the world is going on, but that has been the furthest from the truth on this one.  I really could probably blame my sweet hubby on this, because I tell him all the time the older HE gets the more I fall apart.  Well, if he would stop getting older maybe I would have recovered a little better.  :) 
In all seriousness though, I don't know how I would have come through like I have if it hadn't been for him.  He is definitely my rock when I need him.  He has taken such good care of me and I will admit (only to you) that I've actually been a bit on the scared side at how sick I got with all this.  I don't know that I've ever known me to be this far down and struggle to bounce back before. 
I came back to the office (although I did work several days from home) on Thursday and can I tell you that it was probably the longest most brutal day I've had in a long time.  I finally did get a little rest last night so I felt some better today, but I've still been terribly uncomfortable and just not felt good.  I had to cancel plans with one of our bonus sons and his wife this weekend, because I just need another weekend to recuperate and I know if they were here I would want to be dipping in their kool-aid and I would not rest. 
I hope to be back to 100% by next week or as close to it as I can get.  Maybe with lots of rest this weekend and just focusing on that I will see a huge difference.  I hate feeling like this and more than that I hate feeling like such a wimp, but honestly I can say, there is nothing I can change about that.  It has actually really kicked my butt.
Check out http://www.wingsforourtroops.com/ to see the latest and greatest news about our foundation.  Had I not had this set back we would be further down the road, but hopefully we will begin to make up some ground next week. 
Please remember me in your prayers as I still have a ways to go to feel 100% yet, but I'm eventually getting there.  Thank you in advance for those prayers.