This Thursday,Dec. 1st will mark one year that my only baby was taken from this earth. I decided to blog today because I want to allow myself to cope Thursday the best way I can and that may mean most of my day is spent at the cemetery or walking around or just sitting quietly somewhere. Either way I wanted to make sure I captured how I feel now in hopes that I will be able to revisit one day should I want to.
I won't lie. I'm sad. I'm a kind of sad that I knew existed but never wanted to feel like this. There is truly not one moment of my life since last Dec. 1st that I don't miss and long for my son. Many have told me that while these feelings won't go away it will get easier. I'm not sure I truly believe that but I will humor the masses and say ok and thank you. For me I don't have another biological child to focus my energy into. I won't ever have the option of having another child. All I'm left with are those precious memories and the knowledge that I will be reunited with him again one day. Unfortunately I've been physically sick for a few months now and cannot seem to get better. I don't doubt that the grief I feel play a small role in my health, but if I did feel better I believe I could manage through this horrible dates a bit stronger. Either way it is what it is and apparently it is meant for me to go through this and while I certainly don't know the reason yet I can only hope and pray one day I will.
I am blessed to have 4 bonus kids with Tebo and they have all in their own ways made sure I know they love me and are here when I need them. I also get that from my bonus Marine kids as well and they make sure they check on me regularly and I'm so grateful for that. My family and friends have been amazing and want to do more but I don't know what that is. I don't need or want anything and prefer to just do this on my own. I'm lucky enough to have a husband that truly loves me unconditionally and allows me to feel what I feel without question. I wish it was enough to take the sadness away or bring my son back but it can't but it does help.
Don't take this blog as me wanting sympathy or anything like that. That is not what this is about. It's simply about me missing my son and feeling sad for losing him. With every breath I take I think of him and miss him. I believe some days are so bad that I might truly die of a broken heart but that would probably be too easy for me. I will continue to live life and do my best and work our Wings for Our Troops foundation, but it will all be with. A broken heart and some bittersweet moments as well. It sure is hard to know the only way I will ever see that crooked smile or that lean strong body and that sense of humor will be in heaven.
Those who have ever lost a child knows how that feels and sadly unless you are unfortunate enough to be in this group it's truly hard to explain. Oh I'm grateful. Don't get me wrong. I got more time with my son than others have had and it's been good quality time with him. I was lucky enough to watch him grow, graduate high school, join the Marine Corps and graduate from boot camp and become an amazing Marine and see him get married. There are many parents that didn't get that so I'm grateful but I'm selfish too because I wanted more. I wanted to see the man and husband he would have been after the Corps. I wanted to see him as a daddy. I know he would have been an amazing daddy. That's not going to happen and I get that but it doesn't mean I don't still long for it.
Until the day the Lord sees fit to take me I will live and miss you Chadman and will anxiously await our reunion. All my love, mom
Tami I know you are broken hearted and am so sorry. There are those of us that you have never met and may never meet but our sons crossed paths. I want you to know that I will never forget Chad nor what you are going through. I count down the days to this anniversary and am praying for you and Katie every step of the way. Know that you are loved by so many and others are broken for you.
ReplyDeleteStaring down the barrel of the day now aren't we? Does it feel like a year? It probably feels, simultaneously, like a hundred years and just last week. I know I've been one of the masses that has said, "you never get over it. The best you can hope is to get through it. And one day, you will not think about him 400,000 times a day, it will only be 400." And for me, that has been true. But then, I haven't been down this dark and lonely road you're on....so I don't think I should be advising or assuming. But I can love. And read your words. And pray for you constantly. And be on the other side of that text message or email. You're right...if you haven't walked this path, then you don't fully understand. And we don't get it, love. That doesn't mean that our hearts don't break for you, that we don't cry tears over the deep, deep sacrifice you are experiencing. I love you to the moon and back. Let us support you and let yourself grieve. You have a lot to be thankful for, but you have so much to be sad about too. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm typing this through tears, of course! I love you so much & I wish I could take this pain away from you. I'm not good with words, especially when words cannot heal. Just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers every single day. Even though I have no words.. I have an ear, a heart, and arms that would love to hold you right now and always. We love you so very much and even though that can't take the pain away, don't ever forget it.
ReplyDeleteTami,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family today.
Mrs. Tami,
ReplyDeleteI've had you and your family in my thoughts and prayers for the past year, and especially today. You are such a strong woman,Just know Chad is always with you where ever you go in your life. He forever lives in your heart ♥ Chad Wade you were a very noble, strong, and brave man. You're a hero to many. May your name live long and people remember you for the good man you were.
-Melissa