Letters to Chad

I've been struggling with something that seems a bit odd to me and probably sounds crazy to others, but there were very few days throughout Chad's life that we didn't at least speak every day.  It might have been some text messages, but mostly phone calls unless he was training or deployed.  So I find myself truly missing telling him little things like a football score, or deer his buddies may have (or haven't) gotten, or just went on that day.  It doesn't have to be important (and usually isn't), but it is still things I would just normally call and tell him and now I can't.  Going to the cemetery can give me a little peace and get me through the remainder of the day, but it wasn't always enough.  I had to think of something to do that would help get these thoughts out of my head.
I took something Tebo's mom does every day and decided that might be a good option for me.  She writes letters to Jesus every morning.  She normally writes them in a journal (some of which I've even had made for her) and others might just be in a spiral notebook.  Either way, she writes these letter to Jesus every day.  We don't know what these letters say, but apparently she has one for each of her kids and some of her grandkids so when she is gone we will each get one.
So I have started writing Chad a letter each day of things I would normally tell him.  Some days I might just tell him how hard this is without him and other days it might just be what happened that day or talking about his buddies or telling him I think Katie is doing really well.  It could be a host of things, but at least it is a way to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper that no one else has to read.  It's just for me and clearing my head.  I'm early enough into this new routine that I can't tell you if it is making a huge impact or not, but I do know that it helps at that moment.  I usually write at the end of the day so hopefully my mind will be clear before I lay my head down at night.  That seems to be the worse part of most days because then I am 100% totally alone with my thoughts with very little distraction and that can be so difficult. 
There are nights I struggle to lay in bed with those thoughts running through my mind and I have determined of late that the best thing for me to do with nights like that is to just get up and go to Chad's room and write.  I did that not long ago and wrote him a letter and then looked through a scrapbook I made for him when he was younger and then looked through his baby book.  I may have been up at this ridiculous time in the morning and didn't return to bed, but it did help clear my head so I could get through my day at work.  I guess that is the main thing, right?
Let's hope this continues to help get through the tougher days.  All the days are hard and all the days feel like I might not be able to face the world, but I do.  I don't know how I do each day, but I guess when you don't really have a choice it makes just doing it a little easier. 

WOW! Really only thing I can think about this right now

I actually had a completely different blog I was working on, but when I came across this article I completely changed my direction.  I will go back to my original post later, but to me this hit me so hard that it really needs to go viral in my opinion.

I'm sure most of you have already seen this, but honestly I feel it needs to be talked about as much as possible so that our men and women in the military understand and know that this is NOT the opinion of our great Nation as a whole.

A Manhattan woman posted a status comment on Face Book regarding her personal opinion of our men and women in uniform.  I personally feel it is the most disgusting and disrespectful thing an American can say.  I also understand that we live in a country where we have freedom of speech and I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  I'm shocked that someone would have the audacity to post something like this woman did on a social network at all, but while we are still fighting a war?  Really lady?  If you haven't seen this article yet you can see for yourself at http://www.wibw.com/home/headlines/Manhattan-Woman-Loses-Job-Over-Facebook-Post-225354712.html and come to your own conclusion.

Personally, I would like to thank the company who fired her, Carmike Cinemas in Manhattan, Kansas, for standing behind our troops.  So, THANK YOU!

We are a Gold Star Family.  My only biological child was KIA in Afghanistan while in combat.  Yes, he chose to enlist and he even chose to go to Afghanistan when he didn't have to since he was an only child, but he did it for two reasons... One, he didn't want to stay behind and his brothers deploy when he was their radio operator and two, because had he not gone he would not have been able to live with himself if something had happened to one of his brothers.  My son was the only one that died on that deployment from his unit, but there were several wounded and their lives are never going to be the same, but they are still loyal to each other and the Marine Corps.  They are there fighting for America and for our freedoms and this is the way this woman chooses to use her freedoms?  Amazing.  

I actually feel sorry for her, because I have to believe that the majority of Americans believe like we do and they love and support our military.  I could easily be bitter and upset with the military, but I'm not.  I love the Marine Corps and all branches of the military and I have the utmost respect for each and every one of them.  

The things this woman said on her Face Book page makes me physically sick and while I wish no harm to her I do hope she has difficulty sleeping at night.  

This is for all our military men and women past, present, and future...  THANK YOU for your service and the sacrifices you make daily and whether you are still active or have fulfilled your contract, you deserve so much more than what you actually get and I know that daily you continue to sacrifice.  There are so many of you that are hurting daily from losing a brother in arms or from what you experienced over there and struggling with your own demons and you certainly do NOT deserve what this woman said.  

To the woman in Manhattan, Kansas, this is one of the only ways we can see our son and thank God there are those that continue to honor his chosen sacrifice he made for even people like yourself.  May God have mercy on your soul.

Fallen HERO CPL Chad S Wade... Always a HERO!

Sentimental as usual...

As usual when there are significant dates I get all sentimental and usually pretty weepy.  Well, yesterday was no exception.  It was what would have been Chad and Katie's 4th wedding anniversary and I couldn't help but be transformed back to 9/18/09 almost instantly. 

Poor Trevor has to share his birthday with this date forever, but the two are so separate.  I'm excited and proud of him for turning 18 years old (WOW, his dad is getting old) and what a fine young man he has turned into.  He is smart and artistic and seems to just love life.  I love that about him. 

However, on 9/18/09 as we tried to make Trevor feel special on his birthday it was over-shadowed by the wedding day.  I will say that most teenagers would have probably had a huge attitude about this, but we were fortunate enough that Trevor didn't feel that way at all.  He was totally a good sport about it and I know Chad and Katie were grateful to him for that and I know his dad and I were.

On that beautiful day of 9/18/09 the weather could not have been more perfect and we had family and friends there to help us get set up and prepared.  I was a total hot mess, but it wasn't because I wasn't happy that Chad was marrying Katie, I was a hot mess, because my baby boy was getting married, period.  It was very emotional for obvious reasons, but you add to the fact that he was getting married to the fact that he had just arrived home from Iraq (his first deployment) and that is a whole lot of emotion going on in one place.  I won't lie, in the middle of getting my hair fixed at the hair dresser I had a total melt down.  Thank God I had my best friend and sister with me to get me under control and the poor hair dresser (who at the time was also a neighbor) just let me melt down.

We get back to the house and Chad had gone to Stacy and Leckey's house to get ready with the guys and Katie was at our house getting ready (P.S. that was so much fun.  I would have loved to watch my son get ready too, but not having had much experience with getting to dress up like that with a daughter made it fun). 

Once we got all dressed and ready to go we start heading to the wedding location (which was at Bogle Gardens outside and gorgeous) and it started becoming real.  Up to that point I had been so busy with details of the wedding and making sure everything was taken care of that I really didn't give a lot of thought of how hard it would be to watch my son get married.  I had never had to share him with another woman before and he had never really dated anyone so I was his number one lady all his life.  I was scared to death that I would be a terrible mother in law (I pray I wasn't, but I really don't think I was).  I didn't think anyone would ever be good enough for my son and that I would be like the movie "Monster-In-Law".  I really don't think I was, but Katie may have a different view on it if you asked her, but I pray not. 

Anyway, we get there and as Chad is escorting me down the aisle to my seat I could not have been more proud and excited for him.  I could see love in his eyes like I had never seen before and at that moment I knew I would love Katie and always love her.  She gave him that look of love and happiness and who couldn't love a girl for doing that for her son. 

They got married and we all returned to our house for the reception (I have to give kudos to my amazing husband who prepared the food and set the entire backyard up for a beautiful reception).  Chad and Katie had their first dance and Katie and her father had their dance and then it was mine and Chad's turn.  I had no idea what song he chose for our mother/son dance, but turns out he chose Lee Ann Womack's song "I hope you dance".  It was the perfect song.  I had always said I wanted it played at my funeral so he would know to live life like that and he chose it for our song.  I couldn't have asked for anything better (of course it would have been nice for someone to remind me I had no shoes on as I am having this dance, but I guess it wouldn't be me if I had them on).

One year and seventy four days after that beautiful day, Chad would lose his life in Afghanistan while deployed.  Our lives would never again be the same.  I knew something wasn't right that day.  I had talked to Katie every day until that day and for some reason I couldn't get her.  When I finally did at the end of the day I just knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what.  Then the doorbell rang and our lives as we knew it was over just like that.

I miss him more than words could ever express and what I would give to be tranformed back to 9/18/09 again even for just one day.  I would squeeze him even tighter and hang on even longer.  We just never know what life has in store for us.  We don't know what tomorrow may bring.  My heart will never recover from that day on December 1, 2010, but I am fortunate enough to have had the honor to see my son find love and get married.  There are many parents out there that don't get that chance with a child and I got that.  The Lord knew what he was doing first by putting Tebo in my life when he did and he certainly knew what he was doing when he put Katie in Chad's (and my) life when he did.  With Chad being my only biological child I cannot imagine not ever having the chance to know what it felt like to watch my own flesh and blood walk down the aisle and find true love.  I'm so glad I had that chance with him. 

Some people might find it odd that in my heart Katie is still my daughter, but to me she is.  I still and always will love her.  I don't get to see her (as I am sure this is normal) and she has found love again and I am so thankful for that I can't even put into words how happy it makes my heart for her.  She has done amazing things to make her life happy and as whole again as she can and I believe with all my heart that Chad has a helping hand in that.  He would never want her to be alone and sad.  He would want her to find love and be happy and live a full life and one day raise a family.  That is also my prayer for her.

I can't help but miss her a little more on days like yesterday and when I do I am compelled to reach out to her in some way or another and she is gracious enough to just indulge this crazy mother in law she had.  I pray when she does get married again that she is blessed with the best mother in law a girl could ask for.  She deserves it and whoever becomes her mother in law will be gaining a great daughter.

I will continue to live my life the best I can and do good as much as I can and I will probably always reach out to Katie on special dates until she blocks my number or changes hers and doesn't give it to me.  :)  I'm sure that won't happen and I know if I am ever overboard with reaching out she will let me know (at least I hope she will).  I will continue to love her and be happy for her in all the good things that are coming her way and I will always love my husband for helping me through this tragedy.  He puts up with a lot from me and he never complains. 

I am blessed to have him along with an amazing family and friends that continue to encourage me and lift me up when I need it the most and even better, they know when I just need alone time and they allow me to have that without feeling guilty. 

I chose to blog today rather than yesterday for a very personal reason.  So in light of yesterday, happy what would have been your 4th year wedding anniversary Chad & Katie and may God bless you, Katie, with nothing, but love and happiness and all of your hearts desires and thank you for giving me that memory on 9/18/09 and showing my son love and happiness while he was here on this earth.  After all, as parents, that's all we want for our children. 

Sept. 9, 2009

They did it!

My boy

Hilarious!  I love that they took this

I just love him

How handsome

Here we go Tebo!

Our Dance

What an amazing moment! (see, no shoes, ugh)



Not your ordinary blog

This will go in a completely different direction and actually I hope to address a completely different crown than normal (not that, that particular crowd reads my blog or any blog for that matter), but maybe, just maybe, a parent will read this blog and read it to their child/teen.

I had the utmost honor of seeing my son (my only biological child) honored on the Nancy Grace show last night https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10200552832008295&set=vb.1383426044&type=2&theater and it made me so proud and sad at the same time.  I know that sounds crazy, but it's the only way to describe the feeling I had.

I was so fortunate.  There was rarely a day that I didn't hear from Chad either via phone call, text, or a quick email.  If there was a day that went by it was typically because he was working with the USMC or deployed.  That was pretty much the ONLY time I would not hear something from him daily.  I know there are parents out there that don't get that.  Maybe it was because he was an only child and felt the need to take care of his momma or because we were just used to talking in some fashion every day. It might be a quick phone call from Iraq or Afghanistan (when he could make a call) or when he was state side it might be a quick phone call on his way home from work or on a break.  I was the lucky mom that got that much communication from her son.  I feel blessed by that every day.

So here is the twist to this blog.  I find it actually odd/funny that our kids are actually more connected today then ever before.  They have text, Face Book, Twitter, Instagram, etc. that they can reach out to parents or anyone, yet I hear from more and more parents out there that go days without hearing from their kids and these are not kids that are deployed or in the field training with the military.

We got so excited tonight when Tebo's son called him and chatted for a good 15 to 20 minutes.  I know for teenage time that was forever.  For us, it was like heaven.  I say "for us", because I had the privilege of seeing Tebo's face when he saw his name pop up on his phone and watch his face as they chatted.  Ok, there weren't just a ton of words exchanged, but here is the kicker, there don't have to be a ton of words.

My best phone call (which turned out to be my last one) from Chad was when he called me from Afghanistan and because I can't stand to have a surprise for him and not tell him, I told him about his birthday present that I intended to give him when we went to CA for his homecoming.  It was an autographed picture of Peyton Manning.  His last words to me (in a very excited tone) was "that's crazy, that's just crazy"  "how did you do that" and then suddenly our call was dropped.  Now, as mom, my first thought was, I didn't get to tell him I loved him.  I bawled like a baby, because I didn't get to tell him I loved him before the call dropped.  I had even told Tebo and my daddy that the next time he calls me I am telling him I love him first just in case the call gets dropped before I get the chance.   Well, by now you know that not only did I not get another phone call from him, but the next time I knew anything about my baby boy was when Marines in full dress blue uniforms rang our doorbell to tell us he would not be coming home.  I was NOT going to get to tell him I loved him again (other than the MOTO mail I sent him literally on the day he lost his life).  My heart was broken.

Here is my message...  If you are a child/teen/adult that still have the privilege of having your parents on this earth make the effort to call them.  Call them when you have nothing to say at all, but I love you or just call to let them know what is going on with your life no matter how big or small.  We care.  It might not seem to you like we would, but it turns out we care about everything from how you slept the night before to how school was and how your job is going and how your relationships are.

We care more than you know and if your parents aren't calling or texting you enough, TELL THEM!  We want to know if you want to hear from us more.  There is a good chance parents aren't reaching out on a regular basis because they don't want to invade your privacy or push themselves into your life too much.

Well, Chad never had the chance to say that to me, because I pushed and I made myself ever so present in his day to day life.  Were there things he did that I didn't know about?  Of course there were, but it wasn't because I wasn't calling, returning text messages, or stalking him on Face Book.  I was doing all of that.  However, I was fortunate enough that I did hear from him if there was any physical way for him to reach out in any way.  If you are doing that with your parents...  GOOD FOR YOU!  I know there are more kids out there that do like Chad did with me and I'm so proud you do that and I know your parents are proud.

I know for me my parents probably wish I would give them a break.  Well, guess what?   Not going to happen in this life time.  :)  I check with my parents every week and sometimes daily.  If they are sick I wear their phones out.  Bug them, drive them crazy, and above all else, don't just call because you need something.  They want to hear from you even if it is silly things like, I had a good night's sleep and I have a crazy busy day today and how are you doing.  That's really all they need.  You don't have to talk long and if you are lucky enough to have techie savy parents (like our kids do) you can just text us and we will respond.  If we text you, you should respond.  As most parents, we are probably paying you cell phone bill.  :)  I would respond if I were you and you aren't.

I'm blessed to have 4 bonus kids thanks to my amazing husband and they are good kids.  Could we hear from some of them more and could we make the effort to reach out to them more, yes, but they are good kids and we consider ourselves very lucky.

I know most kids say, I'm just so busy.  Really, because we (as parents) know that you have your phone in your reach 24/7 and usually even when you are in bed.  You probably don't miss much your friends have to tell you or that FB post or that Instagram, but somehow you didn't see your parent's text?  Really?

I have a challenge for all kids (all ages) if your parents are still on this earth.  I dare you to reach out to them on a regular basis even if it is just to say hey and I was thinking of you and wanted to make sure you were ok.  Are you up for the challenge?

Remember, we are never guaranteed tomorrow.  Don't take today or any day for granted.  Love those that are still with you and make sure they know it.

To my bonus kids, Candi, Nathan, Tia, Trevor, and my bonus kids from Chad's friends from school and the USMC, and my nieces and nephews, and cousins, and sisters, and brothers, and all my parents, and aunts and uncles.  I love you.  I will do a better job of reaching out.

"Boots" Really?

I'm really struggling, not only as a mom of a Marine or the "bonus" mom of probably 150 other Marines, but also as an American with the President referring to "No Boots on the Ground" in Syria.  Really Mr. President, these boots are filled with the feet of sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers.  They are sacrificing not only their lives and families, but their future.  I know he probably doesn't really know what else to call it to still get his point across, because he is too busy trying to say "the right things" to win people's approval.  Here is a suggestion, try using, our preference would to have no troops on the ground or something like that.  I don't believe you anyway.  My guess is that we will stick our nose into Syria regardless what the majority of Americans think or want and before it is all over it will cost far more than 2 Billion dollars a day.  It will cost a family to lose a child, a child to lose a parent, and grandparents and aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends to lose someone they love.  You can't put a dollar amount on that. 
When do we stop fighting every war that comes up?  When do we get to truly bring our troops home?  I'm saddened, because I truly believe we will be at war somewhere from now on.  I guess the "new norm" for Americans. 
I chose to rant about this on my own personal blog as I would never want to offend anyone, but I'm struggling with us sending any of our military to Syria.  We still have fighting going on and lives being lost in Afghanistan and now we are considering sending our men and women to Syria to help fight a Civil War.  Their own people are leaving the country.  That should tell them something there!  Don't send our men and women over there so they take the chance of not coming home.  Don't continue to put your Americans in the position of having to bury a child, parent, or spouse.  Really?  When is enough really going to be enough?

These "Boots" were filled with my baby boy's feet!

Here are the faces of some of those "Boots" you refer to so loosely

Still proud Marines after losing one of their own!  Yep, again, they are filling "Boots"

No parent, spouse, child or loved one should have to experience this kind of pain and then hear you refer to their loved one as "Boots"... 

MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE SPEAK WITH YOUR SPEECH WRITER AND ASK HIM/HER TO BE MORE CAREFUL IN THE WORDS THEY CHOOSE FOR YOU TO READ!  THOSE WORDS MATTER!

Mommas and their boys

Since I became a mom on May 25, 1988, I knew there was a special bond between a mother and her son.  I was very fortunate to have a very close relationship with Chad.  I know many moms that have that kind of relationship, but I can only speak for mine.  We were so close I'm sure in part because I was a single mom for most of his life and we only had each other for most of that time when we lived away from family.  That certainly brings people together for sure.  However, he was a good boy and I believe with all my heart that he loved me and he knew I loved him.  We just really clicked.
I'm a daddy's girl and I won't lie, I was actually scared I might have a daughter and she would only want her daddy.  I guess the Lord knew I would need that little boy one day more than he would ever need me and he made sure I had him regardless of how long.
I was sent a song by one of the wives of one of Chad's Marine brothers this past week and I can't get enough of it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNoLJy68ZcE is definitely a song you need to listen to if you haven't already.  It actually brings me smiley tears, because I would love to say these exact words to Chad if I were given the chance.  What makes it even more special is because my song to him was always "I hope you dance" by Lee Ann Womack (which is the song he chose for us to dance our mother/son dance at his wedding to).  So this song just adds that much of an impact to me for him.
I don't want to take anything away from a mother/daughter relationship, because I know they are special as well and I would never want to take anything away from a father/son relationship either, but there is just something extra ordinary between a mother and son (at least in my case) and it is something that will never be replaced or replicated for me.  I wouldn't want it to be either.
All I ever wanted for Chad was to have all his dreams come true.  I was so lucky so see him build the best friendships with his school friends and then his Marine friends and then I was lucky enough to watch him fall in love and marry her and watch him walk down the aisle.  There are so many parents that don't get that privilege and that breaks my heart, but I was lucky enough to get that opportunity.  I had always wanted a little girl and in perfect Chad fashion he gave me a daughter.
There are days I don't know how I can put one foot in front of the other, but on those days someone always seems to find a way to show me that there are different ways for me to remember him and reflect.
I do wonder every minute of every day what he is doing in heaven.  I imagine he and Jessica together with him playing his guitar and her singing their little hearts out.  I'm certain grandmother and granddaddy and grandmother Causby swing by to make sure they are behaving and reminding them to do things or just loving on them.  I am certain Janet gets in on some of the singing every chance she gets or better yet, she is writing the words to their songs.  I so know that my bonus kids' "MeMe" is picking up after them and just laughing along with them and he is probably telling Ednan to keep  up as she is finally running on those legs again, and I have no doubt that Billy Earl and Chad are fishing every chance they get.  These are the things I imagine he is doing daily.  That makes me smile.  I know he isn't hurting and he isn't sad and he isn't seeing us be sad.  These thoughts give me comfort.
There are other fallen Marines, Soldiers, Seamen, and Airmen that are sitting around with him and sharing stories and remembering the tough times and remembering all the good times shared.
I know Chad's family and friends miss him terribly and I know they wonder how he is and what he is doing just as I do.  That's why this song is so perfect.  Thank you Lindsay for sharing this with me.  I have it on repeat on my phone and I listen to it over and over all day at work.  Last week, that is what got me through the week and it helped me get through this crazy Monday.  I will get my first chance in two weeks on Wednesday to go to the cemetery due to all the rain and I will be playing this song while I sit at his spot and just cry if I need to and smile while doing so.
He is probably thinking I am such a dork, but it wouldn't be me if I weren't and he knows that.
Momma loves you baby boy and there will be a day when I can see for myself what you are doing up there.

I could squeeze him now so tight!

He surprised me for Mother's Day!  I was shocked!

Me & Chad

His senior year

What a little doll

Little Fish (who would have ever thought)

At his wedding

On one of his leaves

Before church

Yeah, I know, he was probably over the pictures

Our dance "I hope you dance"

Someone could have told me I was barefoot...  :) Love that he did this!

Oh those curls (thank you Stacy for capturing one of my favorites)

Oh that t-shirt...  I have it now and I love it!

Chad and Jessica... Imagine them singing and playing the guitar

I love him

Smile little buddy

Oh that bike...  I'm glad Seth has it, but hate he has it at the same time.  Danger!

Having to hunt Easter eggs alone, because he and BoBo napped...

Marine in training (head resting on a log)

His high school graduation party

He was so cute

PTSD, Suicide, And OUR Military...

I'm actually taking the title to this post from a very special blogger (and Gold Star wife) to help bring awareness to a very big problem and one that is very close to my heart. "A Little Pink in a World of Camo" states this issue very well so I don't want to take anything away from her so please visit http://alittlepinkinaworldofcamo.blogspot.com/2013/07/ptsd-suicide-and-our-military.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ALittlePinkInAWorldOfCamo+%28A+Little+Pink+in+a+World+of+Camo%29 and read her words.


What I will mention in this post is that my heart aches for these men and women that return from combat and struggle with this silent "killer" and/or silent disease that truly takes over and controls their worlds. Many times they don't even realize that is what they are dealing with until they have struggled for months and even years. Typically what I am understanding from those I'm the closest to is that it is the families that notice these signs/symptoms first, but most don't know how or if they should confront their loved one.

The worse thing any of us can do is turn a blind eye to this epidemic (and I truly believe that is what it is now based on the number of veterans we have re-entering the civilian life). If we choose not to acknowledge or embrace these young men and women they will get lost and potentially even worse end their lives as a result.

What I'm learning about PTSD is that our men and women that have it are either feeling or being treated (or both) like it is a bad thing and negative. The only time I believe it is bad or negative is if we choose to ignore it and do nothing. We want to educate the world so that these young men and women get the help they so desperately need and deserve without putting a negative stigma on them.

In doing some research of my own (very elementary I might add), I came across a doctor that really shed light on this epidemic. Her name is Dr. Heidi Kraft and she is a clinical psychologist and former Navy Lieutenant Commander and she saw the effects of war on service members first hand during a tour in Iraq. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis. It is an anxiety disorder that is based on a person haivng lived through or experienced a trauma and then at some later point experiencing some symptoms based on that traumatic memory "Dr. Heidi Kraft". Please take a moment to check out this interview with her on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofs9np3yraQ and you will understand much more than I can tell you here.

I do believe my fellow blogger from "A Little Pink in a World of Camo" said it very well when she said this is OUR problem as a Nation and WE owe it to these service men and women to do all we can to help them and in a small way re-pay them for their service and tremendous sacrifices they have given for all of us.

As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, this is very close to my heart. My son served right along side some amazing young men in the USMC and I know these men are struggling. I know they must suffer from some degree of PTSD. Some will acknowledge it and seek help and others will not. I do believe that they are trained not to show weakness, but I'm here to tell them now, seeking help for this is not a sign of weakness, but just the opposite. It takes tremendous courage and bravery to admit you need help and then see it through to get the help you need. After finding the YouTube interview with Dr. Heidi Kraft and reading more about her I sent each of these guys that I knew how to reach a letter explaining that if they were experiencing any of these symptoms or feelings to please not ignore them, but seek help for it. I pray they are all doing just that. They owe it to themselves, their families, and their fellow and fallen brothers to live the best life they can live and they can't do that if they refuse to seek help for this.

This is real and this is nothing to be ashamed of. You will read her words, but "A Little Pink in a World of Camo" said, "If you aren't shaken by war and what you see there, then that is crazy" (I paraphrased that to a point), but she is correct. You cannot see and experience what these young men and women see and experience and not be effected by it. With that being said, why is it that there tends to be such a negative connotation linked to that diagnosis? It shouldn't be. This is the very least we can do for these men and women that sacrifice so much and some that sacrificed all for us.

Please, stand with us America! Let's take care of our own as they are and have and will take care of us! I challenge you to be a part of the solution! Are you up for the challenge? If you are, don't merely talk about it, but do something.

You might wonder what you can do. You can start by educating yourself on the signs and symptoms of PTSD and encourage a military member to seek help, but more than that, make sure they know and believe that it is ok to seek help and there isn't anything "wrong" with them for coming forward. Then just love and support them every chance you get and above all else, pray for them! These young men and women are amazing people and they know loyalty and sacrifice. Why let that character and all that goodness go to waste when they can offer so much to society, employers, and communities. Let's not let this happen.

To all our service men and women, past, present, and future, you ARE appreciated and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and you can reach out to me any time if you need someone to talk to. I owe you at least that much.

God Speed to each and every one of you and for our Gold Star Families!

The most amazing...

I truly believe I have the most amazing husband a girl could dream of.  He never ceases to amaze me and on a regular basis.  We started dating in 2001 and continued dating until we got married in 2005 so we truly were marrying our best friend.  I know we both feel that way and I think that is a huge piece of why we have been able to weather some pretty rough waters since we got married.  He has had to deal with a lot more than I have especially with losing Chad.  I am convinced if it weren't for him I would most likely not be here on this earth today.  He has helped me in ways I can't truly explain and most times it is without uttering one word. 
When we sold our house and bought a new one I never dreamed it would be that hard.  In 24 years I had never moved that Chad wasn't with us (on this earth) so I felt like I was abandoning him or leaving memories behind or something.  I can't really explain how I felt, I just knew it didn't feel good.  What does my amazing husband do?  Well, he decided we needed to pick out a room for Chad, so we did.  I never wanted it to be like a shrine and there are times I fear it has become that, but I have to say, each day it feels more like a room he would be proud of.  I have little pieces of Chad that I still had in there and while I wish it were more, I've made the best of the few things I do have and they do give me comfrot somehow. 
Memorial Day weekend falls on his birthday week/weekend so it is so bitter sweet.  There are many who just don't understand why I don't feel like celebrating and joining in on different activities, but I can't.  I feel I need that time to be alone with my thoughts and just make it through as that time is typically very emotional for me and I would rather be emotional alone than with anyone else.  All I can do is hope they understand and don't take it personally.  Most holidays make me feel that way right now and while that might get better, it's not there yet so I can only manage through them the best I can right now and I don't think I'm doing too shabby, especially with Tebo by my side and the family and friends I have that surround me.
This week he showed me yet again how much he is in tune with how my heart feels.  I was having a tough week and the only thing I can chalk it up to is the fact that Tuesday, July 2nd marked the anniversary of when Chad signed his official paperwork for his enlistment.  I've never been affected like that in the past, but this year it seemed to bother me more and for the first time I had become overcome with guilt and sadness.  I didn't mention anything to Tebo (or anyone), but I did send him an email on Tuesday and told him what day it was.  I didn't expect anything to come from it, I just wanted him to know.  He replied back with "lunch?".  I said, that would be nice.  We went to lunch and didn't say a whole lot, just sat mostly and chit chatted about nothing much.  We did discuss a few ideas for the foundation, but nothing serious went on during that hour.  Wednesday we got off work a little early for the holiday and went by the grocery and headed home.  We were unloading the groceries and he asked me to check the front porch.  I went to look and there was a box.  I assumed he just ordered something for the house or whatever.  I went back to unloading groceries and when I turned around he was holding out a Blue Nile box.  I opened it and it was a beautiful Garnett and silver ring.  The Garnett was the shape of a heart and when I asked what it was for he just simply said, I knew you were having a hard week and now you have a piece of my heart on your finger.  At that moment I knew it was ok for me to just deal with my emotions the best way I can and I know I will be taken care of.  I don't require jewelry or anything like that.  It has nothing to do with the material things, it has everything to do with how he just instinctively knows when I need him to show that he is understanding and not upset with me for getting super quiet or stand offish.  That's love people.  I  know he loves me unconditionally and that means more to me than any gift he could ever buy for me.
I know he won't read this blog, because, well, he just doesn't.  However, some day I will finally be able to show him how much I appreciate him and all he does for me and the fact that he continues to just be patient while I work through this "new normal" if you will. 
Thank you babe and you are loved always and forever.

July 2, 2007

July 2, 2007 is a very significant date for me.  That marks the date that Chad "officially" signed his enlistment papers for the Marine Corps.  I was struggling yesterday for the first time on that date and for the first time I felt guilt.  I had not felt guilt on that date before and why it hit me like that yesterday is still a mystery to me.  I may never know why yesterday hit me like it did, but it was a very off day for me.  I sent Tebo an email and told him what the date was and he asked me if I wanted to do lunch and I said that would be nice.  We didn't discuss it or spend the lunch hour crying or anything like that.  In fact we didn't even discuss the date or Chad enlisting at all.  Instead we had a fairly quiet lunch and discussed new ideas and options for the Wings for Our Troops "In loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade" foundation.  It was just comforting to be sitting next to him and know that if I needed to cry I could.
Just before lunch I received a text message from a number I didn't have saved in my phone and it was 3 pictures of the Marine Memorial Hotel in San Francisco and there was a stone with Chad's name and information on it.  I replied with very nice and asked who it was.  Turns out it was one of his buddies in the Corps, Connell, and that made it mean even more.  I sent him a note and told him that they never cease to amaze me.  Just when I need to hear from one of them, boom, there they are. 
The day was sad for me all day.  I would tear up while working and just push through the tears and finished up my day and we bolted out right at 5:00 as we were meeting the builder to walk through our punch list at the house and I told Tebo once he was gone and we had dinner I was going to my favorite room in the house (the patio) and relax. 
Well, the builder showed up and we did our walk through and Tebo and I ate a light dinner and I grabbed a glass of wine and turned on my music and went to the patio.  I don't know what compelled me to go inside and grab a book that a friend of mine wrote and start reading it, but I did.  I completed the book last night crying throughout a large portion of the book.  There were so many emotions I did experience while reading it, but the biggest emotion was hurt for him.  It is a true story about the loss of his only child, Christopher.  He dedicated his book to several people obviously to his son Christopher, but also to others and he also included Chad.  I read the book and to my surprise there was a very large section at the end of the book that was devoted to Chad.  He took what was his very personal sorrow and loss and incorporated Chad to have him immortalized forever right there with his own son.  It's hard to explain in mere words what that meant to me, but hopefully one day I will be able to convey just how much it touched me.
Not only has he written about Chad within his own personal story, but once he sells 1,000 books he plans to donate 20% of the investment as well as the future sale of his book to our WFOT foundation.  Again, mere words just don't seem enough.  This book was for him and to help grieving parents find some peace and he managed to include Chad.  I'm just at a loss for words about this.
I would encourage you to read this book.  If you unfortuante to be a member of this "club" of parents that have lost a child, you should read it, but even if you have never lost a child, but either know someone who has or would just like an insight into what a parent goes through when they lose their child, this book will do that for you.  I think everyone should read it and everyone will walk away from this book with something different.  If you would like to purchase this book please go to http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781625108135 and purchase it.  It is very affordable and worth every penny.  The author (and father) is Glen M. Clark (I refer to him as LT) and his words will touch your very core.  Thank you LT for not only sharing your painful story, but for being so kind to include Chad as well as the foundation.  I know you didn't have to do that, but you did anyway and we thank you for that.
I made it through another "date" yesterday and while it was a hard day, I made it through and today is a bit better.  Tomorrow being July 4th and all the celebrations that will be going on, it's my hope and prayer that we all remember that without young men and women (like Chad) we couldn't be free to celebrate and enjoy time with our families so remember them all as you are watching fireworks and cooking out. 
Many of these men and women are still on the front lines risking their lives every day and there are many of them that are living as civilians today that are struggling and there are way too many families having to live without their child, spouse, grandchildren, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. so remember them as well.  One more thought, if you are with a Veteran over the 4th of July, please stop and think that the loud booms of fireworks could potentially stir emotion and fear in them so be thoughtful and caring enough to respect that.  We will never know what they had to experience in the combat zone so stop and give pause for a moment and think what it must be like for them during this holiday weekend.  Please and thank you.

Facing the hard truth

If your parents are still on this earth and you are an adult, I'm sure you will be able to relate to this post in some way or another.  My siblings and I are facing the hard truth that our parents are aging and becoming less and less like the person they were when we were growing up.  Things seem to be changing rapidly and some days it feels like overnight.
This past weekend me, Paige, Dawn, and Amanda were faced with our mom being diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  This is not a "patient's" disease, it is a "family's" disease.  It affects the entire family and takes a toll on everyone around the patient and as children and grandchildren of the patient, it tends to feel magnified at times.  We were thrown into this disease a bit by surprise.  I say surprise, because while we knew things were changing and days weren't quite right we never thought it could get this bad so quickly.  Paige had been sharing with us things that were happening, but quite honestly if you aren't there day to day you don't see it that drastic.  Well, now Amanda and I have seen it up close and personal.
This past weekend was the annual Causby family reunion in NC.  I decided that since I had not been there since 2007, I needed to go and I'm really glad I did.  It was a pretty low turn out and as it happened, I'm kind of glad it was as many more people and things could have been far worse for mom.  She was very confused and combative at times and things spiraled a bit out of control Sunday evening leaving us to believe she may have had a stroke (which I'm still not 100% convinced she didn't).  After spending Monday in the ER and Tuesday at the doctor's office, they diagnosed her with Alzheimer's.  We were shocked (well, I was more so than the others I think as I truly didn't think she had gotten that bad).  I never dreamed things could change so quickly, but they did.  She wasn't the mother that raised us and that can be quite the shocker.
We have much to learn and understand about this terrible disease and we are all committed to learn all we can and try to do our very best to be the best caregivers we can be.  Unfortunately the day to day care will have to fall on Don, Amanda, and Paige as well as mom's sister and friends.  Dawn and I living so far away makes it so hard for us to take some of the load off them, but I'm sure we will be the ones to take the biggest part of caregiving with Stacy when it comes to our parents here.  I guess that's why the Lord ends up taking us in different directions at times.  He knows there will come a time when we need to be divided to conquer in life.  I truly believe this is what we are supposed to do with our parents.
I do pray there is a cure or better treatment for Alzheimer's soon.  It is so hard to watch a parent (or anyone for that matter) deal with this horrible disease. 

June 2007

This was the date of the last "Causby Family Reunion" I attened.  I know, it's terrible that I have not returned, but life happens and it is a very far trip to make, but we went that year for a very special reason.  Chad was enlisting into the Marine Corps and would be leaving in October for boot camp so I wanted to make sure we attended both sides of the family's reunions before he left as we didn't know when he would have that much time off to attend again for at least four years.
This will be the first time I have returned since my baby boy was taken from this earth.  He didn't get to join the civilian world, instead, he entered his heavenly world on December 1, 2010 while on deployment to Afghanistan. 
I anticipated him not being able to attend another family reunion for at least four years, but I never anticipated that he would only attend another as each family member entered heaven's gates.  I guess that really isn't anything any of us anticipates, but never the less, when you expect something and it turns out differently, it does take a while (most likely the rest of my life) to get adjusted to and accept.
I will attend this reunion and I will make the best of it, but it will not be easy.  I get very anxious when I have to do things like this and especially traveling without Tebo, but I know I need to go and I need to see my mom and the rest of my family.
If you are reading this all I ask is you pray for my heart as I see some of my family members for the first time since Chad left us.
Please and thank you.

Where is the benefit?

Unfortunately there aren't many of us that don't know someone in our lives that live to create issues or hurt other people.  This post/vent has nothing to do wtih any family member, but rather a work situation.  Why are there people in our lives that are like moles.  They eves-drop on conversations and when they do (and they almost always do) repeat what they "think" they heard it is always done in a way that hurts innocent people and potentially their careers.  I do not and will not ever understand what people feel they gain from being this type of person.
I try to live my life each day being the best person I can be to those around me.  I am not always successful in this, but I strive for it each day.  I struggle with people that just have nothing good or nice to say about others and especially when there is literally no merit to what they say or do.
I work with many very special people and with true heart and there always seems to have to be those few that just mess it up for everyone.  I am truly struggling with even wanting to look at people like that and while I know that isn't the heart I'm supposed to have, I still have a hard time getting past that feeling at times.
I will make the best of the situation, but I can tell you I don't like it and I am so thankful it is finally Friday!
All I can hope for is people who do things like this sleep a little less soundly until they learn to be nicer people.  Ok, I'm done now.  Thank you for allowing me to vent so I don't say something out loud that I might regret.  :)

This momma's dreams

I think for the most part mom's have the same dream.  Raise healthy and well rounded children and teach them to be good people.  I had those same dreams and I do feel like I did a pretty good job of achieving that with Chad.  Obviously with him being an only child it probably made it a bit easier to dote on him and give my full attention (ok, he might have felt smothered at times), but there were still dreams I had beyond that. 
Like most parents, I wanted to make life easier for him than maybe I had (although my childhood was pretty amazing).  However, being a single mom with little to no support (financially), it made it difficult for me to give him material things like most of his friends had.  Yes, he had to buy his own vehicles, pay his own insurance, pay for his own cell phone bill (once he began working), and buy his own gas to run around.  I wish I could have given him those things in a way and in another way, I do feel like this built his character and taught him the appreciation of hard work and the value of money.  There is still a piece of me that wishes I could have done more in that aspect of raising him, but you can't go back and change history and I'm truly ok with the way things played out.
One of my dreams did come true.  I had always wanted a daughter and since I knew Chad was the only child I would have that made it a tad hard for me to fulfill that dream, but besides my bonus daughters from Tebo, Chad gave me a daughter when he married Katie.  I was thrilled.  I thought, ok, this will be my chance to see what it's like to have a daughter.  It was wonderful feeling that way, however, they moved so quickly to CA and then after a year he was gone that it as a fleeting moment, so it seemed.  I am fortunate enough to still have Tebo's daughters (my bonus daughters) and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  There is a huge part of me that still wishes I had that mother/daughter relationship with Katie, but she needs to move forward in her life and have a very happy and blessed future and I am afraid I would hold her back from that and I would never want to do that.  I'm tickled that I was able to experience that and watch my son get married.  There are many moms/parents that don't get that chance and I'm certainly blessed that I did.
I had dreams of him becoming a police officer one day and I know he would have been great at that.  He joined the Marine Corps and I couldn't have been more proud and more scared at the same time.  Once he made it through his first deployment in Iraq I thought, ok, we only have one more to go and then he will be completed with his contract and can move back to AR and start working as a police officer or whatever he chose to do and at some point begin having babies.  I dreamed of being in CA when he arrived home from Afghanistan and handing him his birthday gift of an autographed photo of Peyton Manning and just celebrating the fact that he would not have to deploy again and would be home very soon where I just knew he would be safer.  When the news came on Dec. 1, 2010 that he would not be coming home alive those dreams were crushed.  I would never have the chance to have those same dreams again.  There could be no substitutes or filling those with other dreams as they just would not be the same.
I don't really know what my dreams are today.  I know I have hopes and aspirations for my bonus kids with Tebo and their lives and the same for the bonus boys with the Marine Corps and school buddies of Chad's that I will hopefully be able to enjoy and watch from the sidelines.  I will be blessed to have those, but they won't be the same as it being Chad.
I don't really have anywhere speicific I was going with this post today.  I just haven't been able to clear my head lately and at night when I do close my eyes I see things and think of things that just do not allow my mind to rest.  Maybe just getting some of this in black and white will help this mind rest at some point.
I'm blessed beyond words in life so don't get me wrong there.  I have an amazing husband, bonus kids, family, and friends that help me get through each and every day as gracefully as I possibly can.  There are total strangers at times that support and encourage me many times over and that does warm my heart, but there is such a hole in my heart that will never be filled and there are days that it is harder to work around that hole than others.  I guess this month has been one of those months where that is just harder to do than others.

Happy Golden Birthday

Like I've said before, Memorial Day weekend is a hard one for me for obvious reasons, but also because Chad's birthday is today (May 25th). Talk about an ocean of emotion.

I was a single mom for most. Of Chad's life on earth. His father and I divorced before he was four years old and while I did remarry at one point before Tebo, I was still very much a single mom with no help from either man with anything.  It was always just me and Chad. I was lucky to have great friends and a wonderful family so if I needed something they were there, but raising him, it was all me. Turns out, I wouldn't trade that for all the money in this world.

Chad and I were very close. I could be suffocating at times (I can own it), but I spent every moment of every day trying to protect him and make sure he had the necessities and most importantly I wanted him to feel loved and be a good person.

I'm lucky enough to be witnessing just how good a person/friend he was to so many. I could try to give you examples and even tell you how that makes my heart feels knowing this, but there just aren't enough adjectives to do it justice.

Today Tebo and I went to the cemetery. I bought a bouquet of flowers yesterday to take with us and babied them all day to make sure they looked as beautiful today as they did yesterday. We get about 10 minutes down the highway and I realized I forgot the flowers (really?).  Of course my husband never bats an eye and we stop to get more flowers. Te bouquet I bought yesterday wasn't exactly what I wanted, but they had orange flowers in it and I knew it would be close enough. Well, the ones we found today were perfect!  I have no clue the type of flower it is but I didn't care. They were the perfect TN orange flowers. As soon as I saw them I smiled and said. these are perfect. We headed to Fayetteville National Cemetery to Chad's final resting place (on this earth) and the cemetery and I'm sure lots of volunteers had already. Put all the flags out and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We had our time there and just stood quietly to reflect a few moments and went on our way. This is obviously how I would like to celebrate his birthday, but The Lord needed him and this will just be the new way to celebrate the most amazing child I could have ever been blessed to raise for 22 years. For those 22 years and the memories we made and shared will be cherished forever and there is no enemy foreign or domestic that can ever take that away. I would like to thank The Lord now for honoring me with being his momma. He wasn't even supposed to ever be so I'm luckier than I even realize at times.

I would have laid my life down for his to continue and given a do over that is what I would do, but as we all know, we aren't given that option in life and while it sucks big time, we can't change that.

I have to say that out of all the sadness and pain, I've been blessed. I have approximately 150 Marines and some have spouses that have become our "bonus" kids. They make sure they check on us on a regular basis. They each honor Chad in different ways. Some get tattoos, some keep his pictures all around them, some name their children after him (probably the most flattering thing I can imagine), and others either purchase things in his memory or help us with our Wings for Our Troops "in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but the biggest thing these young men and women do is make sure they reach out to me often. They will either call or text or send flowers for Mother's Day or his birthday or special occasion. Theses men and women do not have to do this, they want to do it. You always know the difference and this I know to be their true hearts. I will never be able to repay them for how they have honored and continue to honor Chad by taking care of his/their momma bear.

I'm also fortunate enough to have Tebo's kids in my life.  They each have their own special relationship with me each unique to them and it does give me a lot of happiness knowing they are there.  Even if we don't see each of them every day or even once a week or more, if I needed them, I know they would be there.  There is a lot of comfort in knowing that.

With Memorial Day on Monday, I hope everyone helps others understand the true meaning of this Holiday. It is to remember and honor those fallen heroes. However, here is my take on this Holiday. Yes, remember and honor those fallen heroes and take time out of the celebrating to truly do that and thank them for their ultimate sacrifice. In addition to this, I would ask/encourage you to make sure any veteran (regardless of age) knows your gratitude. There are many that don't think about our military until some dramatic event takes place. I'm ashamed to say that before Chad enlisted I was one of those people. I would thank them (especially my dad who is also a Marine) on Veteran's Day, but the rest of the year I didn't give it a lot of thought until 9/11 and it only magnified once my only biological child enlisted during war time.  Now I have such a heart and passion for our service men/women and I feel that I personally cannot do enough to show my gratitude.

So remember and honor those fallen heroes and their families that will never get over their loss and include those that are still with us while they can appreciate your thanks.

Happy Memorial Day and Chad, not a moment when I am breathing am I not missing you.  You have always been my heart, you have always been my hero, now you are my angel.  Love, momma bear.  To all our veterans currently serving or not, THANK YOU for all you do and sacrifice for all of us and to Chad's fellow Marines (and school friends), THANK YOU for loving him so much and loving us in his place.  We will be forever grateful.