For every parent who has lost a child

Christmas is a time for kids and celebration, but if you are unfortunate enough to be a parent that has lost a child, you know this is a very difficult time of year.  It's hard to know you will never see your child (regardless how big or small they are) open a gift you worked so hard to be sure it was perfect for them or see their eyes light up when you love something they gave you.  You don't feel like celebrating, but you feel guilty if you do.  For me and others that only had the one biological child, this time of year stings a bit more I think.  I won't try to speak for others as we are all very different in the way that we grieve and handle the sadness in our lives, but I can at least share my heart or at least how it is this year (as I'm sure every year will present itseslf in different ways).
Christmas was a little different for Chad and I when he was growing up.  He really wasn't as into a Christmas tree as I was for him.  He liked the fact that we had one up, but he never really got into the putting it up and decorating it.  Once he was old enough to help get it out of the attic and put it together for me, he considered that his part and he was done.  I would always put his favorite ornaments on first and fill in the rest with the ones I loved and most of those were ornaments I had bought him over the years marking all the special moments of his childhood.  The only time I didn't put a Christmas tree up was when he was deployed or having field training and could not be home for Christmas.  I had already decided not to put a tree up for Christmas 2010 and thank goodness I didn't.  I can't imagine how heartbreaking that would have been to take that tree down after he had passed away.
I'm trying to force myself to get to the point where I don't feel like I have to leave town for Christmas and can feel like putting a tree up again, but that wasn't the case this year.  I think rather than make a commitment on when that will be, I will take it one year at a time and see how things go each year.  I know my family wishes I could stay in town or come see them during Christmas again and maybe one day I will, but right now this feels like the only way I will be able to push through this time of year.
We are taking a cruise this year and taking Tebo's daughters and our son-in-law on the cruise with us and I will do my best to make sure this is a great cruise for them and do my best to keep my emotions in check, but I might need extra prayers to make that happen. 
For those parents that have children (regardless how big or small), love on them and soak up every moment you have with them and not just at Christmas.  There is a song that talks about wanting this time back one day and it is so true.  I would take the fighting in the mall over expensive tennis shoes or telling him over and over to pull his pants up so I didn't see his boxers showing or telling him to stop gagging just because I made some boiled eggs.  There are so many moments I would love to have back and even more important, there are those moments I would love to have the chance to have like, watching him buy his first home, have a child of his own, watch him put toys together on Christmas Eve and coming to our house to show us something new or just to hear him gag over my boiled eggs.  I would give anything to have that again so soak it up and don't have regrets.  Be grateful for every moment no matter how big or small and bad or good.  It's still a moment you cannot get back.
I'm lucky, I did soak up every moment I had with him and I cherished our date nights and every chance I had him all to myself.  I enjoyed every moment of watching him play sports and roller blading.  I'm lucky to have no regrets with him and just have to deal wtih the grief.  I know how crazy that sounds, but I know those that are living with grief and regrets and it must be a horrible way to live.  I'm thankful to the Lord that I don't have to live that way.
My heart is sad and heavy and most likely always will be, but I can cherish my memories I have and one day I might be able to put that tree up again and include some of his childhood ornaments and remember all those precious years again.
Merry Christmas and I pray that you are blessed with precious memories and comfort.

Not just during the season...

As most people do, I tend to reflect even more (if that's possible) during Christmas and the New Year on my life and the person I am (which is not always the person I want to be, sadly) and most importantly on my memories with those that are no longer on this earth with us.  I won't lie, since losing Chad, I find myself spending more of my reflecting time on my memories with him and missing him more and more each day. 
I've been reminded (sadly) this week that while missing Chad and reflecting on those memories will always be important and happen, I must remember to let those that I love who are still here that I do love them and how much they mean to me. 
We had a Tyson team member tragically killed in a car accident while she was riding back with her husband after leaving her husband's mother's funeral.  My heart breaks for this man I do not know and as a company we have been saddened and mourning the loss of a team member and just trying to understand how we might be able to help her husband who will be devistated once he is aware of what has happened.  He still faces many surgeries and miracles to survive himself, but it has to be one of the saddest things I've heard (so I thought).  Then today as most of Americans react I'm sure the same way I have, we have yet another senseless and tragic killing at (of all places) an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut.  Those families that are forever changed still have no idea just how changed their lives will be. 
Tebo and I received an email shortly after this story broke from Tia telling us that she appreciates all we do and that she feels she doesn't let us know enough how much she appreciates what we do and that she loves us.  It made me stop and think for a moment, have we been good about reminding the kids that we love and appreciate them? 
I'm ashamed to say that I don't think I've done a very good job of that, especially since December 1, 2010.  I have been so wrapped up in my own grief and saddness that I don't think I've shown my bonus kids how much they mean to me and how grateful I am to have them with us.  I don't think I've done a very good job of telling my family and friends how important they are to me and how much I appreciate them.
I don't want "the season" to be the reason I remember to show those that I love that I love them and how much they mean to me.  I want to leave this world one day and those in my life know just how much they mean to me.  I need to get a move on making sure this happens, because like Tia reminded us today, we never know when it could be our last day.
I'm usually not one that makes New Year's resolutions.  I simply say each year that I am going to try and be a better person than I was last year.  I think for the most part I do a decent job at this, but I do fail at times and sometimes more often than not, but I do try.  This year I will say the same thing, but I will try to do a better job of showing the ones in my life that I love and appreciate them and try to spend less time feeling sorry for myeslf for losing my son.  I'm a work in progress for sure and I truly don't see that ever changing, but I do need to do a better job of living rather than wishing I were with my son again. 
Together with Tebo we have 4 amazing kids still here and needing the parents they have to be there for them and stay strong for them and I'm certain now that they do include me in that as well.  Sometimes it is easy to lose sight of those things.  It's especially easy to lose sight of those things when we are consumed with "me" and "I" all the time.  I know I will make a promise not only to myself, but also to my husband, the kids, my family, and friends that I will do a better job of letting them know how much they mean to me and how much I love them all year and not just this time of the year. 
Hug your children, spouse, family, and friends more and know that you are not promised another day.  We have today to make sure they know just in case tomorrow doesn't come.
To my family and friends, I do love you and I appreciate more than my simple words could ever express the love and support and encouragement you have all given me over the last two years and how you continue to lift me up.  I promise to do a better job of showing you that starting now.  Thank you Tia for the reminder that I so desparately needed.