Christmas is a time for kids and celebration, but if you are unfortunate enough to be a parent that has lost a child, you know this is a very difficult time of year. It's hard to know you will never see your child (regardless how big or small they are) open a gift you worked so hard to be sure it was perfect for them or see their eyes light up when you love something they gave you. You don't feel like celebrating, but you feel guilty if you do. For me and others that only had the one biological child, this time of year stings a bit more I think. I won't try to speak for others as we are all very different in the way that we grieve and handle the sadness in our lives, but I can at least share my heart or at least how it is this year (as I'm sure every year will present itseslf in different ways).
Christmas was a little different for Chad and I when he was growing up. He really wasn't as into a Christmas tree as I was for him. He liked the fact that we had one up, but he never really got into the putting it up and decorating it. Once he was old enough to help get it out of the attic and put it together for me, he considered that his part and he was done. I would always put his favorite ornaments on first and fill in the rest with the ones I loved and most of those were ornaments I had bought him over the years marking all the special moments of his childhood. The only time I didn't put a Christmas tree up was when he was deployed or having field training and could not be home for Christmas. I had already decided not to put a tree up for Christmas 2010 and thank goodness I didn't. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that would have been to take that tree down after he had passed away.
I'm trying to force myself to get to the point where I don't feel like I have to leave town for Christmas and can feel like putting a tree up again, but that wasn't the case this year. I think rather than make a commitment on when that will be, I will take it one year at a time and see how things go each year. I know my family wishes I could stay in town or come see them during Christmas again and maybe one day I will, but right now this feels like the only way I will be able to push through this time of year.
We are taking a cruise this year and taking Tebo's daughters and our son-in-law on the cruise with us and I will do my best to make sure this is a great cruise for them and do my best to keep my emotions in check, but I might need extra prayers to make that happen.
For those parents that have children (regardless how big or small), love on them and soak up every moment you have with them and not just at Christmas. There is a song that talks about wanting this time back one day and it is so true. I would take the fighting in the mall over expensive tennis shoes or telling him over and over to pull his pants up so I didn't see his boxers showing or telling him to stop gagging just because I made some boiled eggs. There are so many moments I would love to have back and even more important, there are those moments I would love to have the chance to have like, watching him buy his first home, have a child of his own, watch him put toys together on Christmas Eve and coming to our house to show us something new or just to hear him gag over my boiled eggs. I would give anything to have that again so soak it up and don't have regrets. Be grateful for every moment no matter how big or small and bad or good. It's still a moment you cannot get back.
I'm lucky, I did soak up every moment I had with him and I cherished our date nights and every chance I had him all to myself. I enjoyed every moment of watching him play sports and roller blading. I'm lucky to have no regrets with him and just have to deal wtih the grief. I know how crazy that sounds, but I know those that are living with grief and regrets and it must be a horrible way to live. I'm thankful to the Lord that I don't have to live that way.
My heart is sad and heavy and most likely always will be, but I can cherish my memories I have and one day I might be able to put that tree up again and include some of his childhood ornaments and remember all those precious years again.
Merry Christmas and I pray that you are blessed with precious memories and comfort.
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