Continued Pics of my boys & a surprise

So the dog in the pictures is Zoom.... He is Seth's IED dog and he was deployed with my boys and he really took a liking to Chadman. Everyone knows I'm not a critter lover, but I have to say the fact that this sweet Zoom takes care of my boys I have to hold a place in my heart for him too.... Yes people, I just put a DOG in a place in my heart. (don't get use to it)

Heheheheheheee... yepper, more

Yep, more...

I would apologize, but I'm not. I love these boys....

Even more pics of my boys...

More pics of my boys...

As promised here are more pictures of my boys (courtesy of my BFF Sis).

My Boys!

Well, in about 45 more days my boys will all be back in the states from Afghanistan. I know they will be so glad to be back state side, but I don't even think they will be as glad and relieved as I will be. Okay, maybe their "real" moms will be, but I think I'm right up there with them. I want to celebrate for a moment what these boys mean to me. I've been writing and talking to these guys for almost 4 years now and they truly are my boys. I love them all so much and always will and cannot imagine my baby boy having any better young men to serve with and to have his back than these guys. Seth has attempted twice now to save Chad's life. The first time was in Bridgeport when he got hypothermia and the beginning of frost bite and the 2nd was in Afghanistan. I will never be able to repay or thank him for what he did. He is so precious as are all those boys. Seth, Zach, RoRo, Chip, Spratt, Schmidt, TJ, and the list goes on. They will always be our family. I have to say that a very selfish piece of me hopes they get out of the military when their contracts are up just so they can be in a safer environment, but this country will certainly loose some amazing Marines. Just in case you were wondering, I definitely plan to continue supporting and keeping in touch with each and everyone of them regardless if they stay in the Marine Corps or get out. They may rethink letting me into their hearts, but I certainly won't. They have been amazing about calling me from Afghanistan since Dec. 1st to check on me and make sure we were ok. Seth is planning to buy Chad's motorcycle when he returns and he wanted to make sure I was okay with him asking to do that and I said only if you don't get hurt. See, a momma bear's job is never done. :) Zach has truly just been like my other son for so long that it's hard for me to remember at times that I really am just his bonus mom. He even flew to AR to be here for Chad & Katie's wedding. It was amazing. I got to meet Seth, Zach, RoRo, Salvedore, Spratt, Neal, and TJ for the first time face to face in December 2009 when Tebo flew me out to CA for my birthday. Let me set the stage and explain how our first meeting went. I had been so anxious to finally get to meet these bonus sons of mine that I had been writing and sending packages to for so long so Chad, Katie, and I went to the store and I bought food to grill out and Chad fired up the grill and we invited them to come over to eat. Each time one of them walked in they greeted me with "Hey Mom!" and I got a huge hug from each one of them. You know, there is really no better feeling in the world. I was one happy momma. We got pictures and ate and just sat around laughing and having a good time. They were all so wonderful. I hated for the night to end, but it just made our bond that much stronger and I loved that. Those boys just accepted me like I truly was family (of course I am now) and never thought twice. Even Salvedore whom I really didn't even know that much other than he was RoRo's best friend and so therefore by default I loved him too. Of course he got a hug too because in our family there are no hand shakes. Only hugs! I cannot wait for these guys to get home and for us to see them in CA (and some are coming to AR). I will get and give huge hugs like they've never had before and of course there will be tons of pictures taken (so you might as well get ready guys). Please enjoy some of these pictures of my boys. I will probably have to add another post of just pictures to make sure you get to enjoy as many as I can share on here, but you will see as soon as you see these faces how easy it is to just fall in love with each and every one of them. Once you get to know their hearts you will truly see how easy it was. Probably the very best thing about every one of these guys (and their wives) is they LOVED my baby boy and that has been so obvious over the last almost 4 years. I'll tell you a couple quick things... Gladys and Robert (aka Schmidt) should have probably taken Chad off their taxes because that boy lived at their place for the longest time after SOI and Lindsey and Shawn Spratt were in the same boat. That boy loved those two couples and talked to me about them all the time. Now Zach, RoRo, and Seth were his buds. There was never a chat that Chad and I had that these names were not brought up. Yes, sometimes before he could mention them I was asking how they were, but that's how I roll. :) I wanted to badly to be at Zach & Ashley's wedding, but for whatever reason we weren't able to attend, but as soon as their pictures were available I went out and ordered me a copy. She is just a doll and my Zachy couldn't have done any better. I'm a proud momma bear and boys, you better look out, because you have one heck of a hug coming your way so you better bulk up a little before I see you in CA! :) Love each and every one of you.... Love, your momma bear (always)

Thank you Stacey Barnes

Sooo... what might seem like a little thing to one person can be a huge thing for others. Stacey Barnes is a dear friend we work with and while she will only admit she loves TN Vols for the Lady Vols (not sure I totally believe it) she did an amazing thing for me and Tebo. She knew Chad and I were huge TN Vols fans and more than that we love Pat Summit. Well, Chad even did his senior paper on her and when she learned all that she reached out to Pat's assistant and gave her a short version of the story about Chad and they invited us to attend their practice when they were here playing AR. We went to practice and got lots of pictures and one of my favorite parts was when we entered the gym at the university Pat herself was singing Rocky Top! I loved it. After practice Pat called Tebo and I over and invited us to come to the locker room the next day before the game. OMG Becky! That was awesome. Pat is awesome and that entire team and staff were freaking amazing to us. They were so down to earth and so caring that it just really made my heart smile. Of course I am sure the Lady Vols would have won the game anyway, but for me I would like to believe that my baby boy had a hand in that wonderful win that daddy and Stacy ended up surprising us at and we just had a ball. None of this would have been possible had it not been for an amazing friend I have in Stacey. Thank you Stacey for a perfect memory and for doing something so selfless as making this happen for us. You are a great friend.

So many wonderful surprises...This one is for Kayla

This is one of a series of thank yous I plan to create. I've been a bit slacking whether due to sadness or just letting life happen, but I have failed to show thanks to some very special and unexpected precious things that have happened since Dec. 1, 2010. So here goes. My sister's BFF "Rose" (Connie) daughter, Kayla, made me the sweetest blanket. She has always been like a little piece of me and Tebo and I just love her so much. She is just one of the sweetest people I know (that has to be the part that is so much like me, ha!). Anyway, she has known Chad most of her life and they spent several summers together (the families) and just always felt like family. I will always cherish this precious gift she sent me. She picked some of the best pictures to put on this blanket and the other night I pulled it out to let Myka cover up and to show Kristin (my BFF neighbor across the street) and Myka kept naming us all in the pictures and she came across one of Chad by himself and said, here is Chad without "Ammy". :) I thought that was too sweet. Thank you sweet Kayla for such a precious gift and one that will continue to give every time we see it.

Sometimes I've wondered...

You know, I told myself last week when I saw the previews for "Army Wives" not to watch it. I even told myself that all day yesterday and told other people I wasn't going to watch it, but what is it about us as human beings that when we know something isn't right for us to watch, we do it anyway. Well, of course I watched it and you know, whether I were in the shoes of Denise or not I would have still cried and hurt for this character as she lost her son in Afghanistan. Needless to say I bawled all night, but as I was watching the show I observed that she stayed very close to her young baby girl that was born just a few months earlier. I had to wonder for a moment if I had another child would some of my grief be transferred to care taking of this other child? Would I have less time to sit with my sad thoughts and just stay focused on caring for this other child? I don't know if I would or not. I do believe that it would help me from just wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear at times, but I wonder. Would it? Would it make me feel stronger or just that I have to feel stronger, because that's what is expected? I do feel like I have to be strong now not having any other children (biological) and some days it's hard to be strong. I do it, because I know that's what I'm suppose to do, but it's not easy. This weekend I found myself not wanting to leave the house (and I didn't) and feeling a bit frustrated when the "Blue Star" mom group came to present us with the Gold Star banner. For some reason I didn't want to hear that her son was blown up by an IED to discover he just had minor memory loss and not enough that he couldn't work. He is alive and well working at Camp Pendleton. That was my first glimpse of anger that I have really felt and then I felt completely and utterly guilty for feeling that way. I can tell you this, I do not like the different stages of grief that we go through. I don't like feeling sad, I certainly don't like feeling angry, and I never want to feel jealous that someone else's son is coming home when mine isn't. That is SO not me. I want everyone to be happy and to see their baby's face so I really hope this feeling leaves as quickly as it has appeared, because I would never want to hold on to that feeling. I did it to myself with the show. I shouldn't have watched it and I knew better, but a part of me just couldn't turn it off. I started watching the "Coming Home" show in Texas on vacation and while it is such a great story and the things they are doing for these families is amazing, but honestly, I find it makes these bad feelings and selfish feelings come up and that's what I don't like. So I've made a promise to myself that I will stop watching both of these shows until I feel I can watch them and truly be happy for the families of these troops coming home and as for "Army Wives", I just need to say no. I've watched the show since it started and I just need to stop. My days are hard enough to muster up the good attitude and energy to go to work and make it through each day with as good a heart as I can without adding negative things to trip me up. That is so what I did last night. I'm sorry for doing that and I am really sorry for the feelings that I had coming up in my heart and mind while I watched them. I will say that they did feature (on "Coming Home") a Marine that was KIA in Afghanistan and showed another Marine that flew a plan that the one that was killed was directing (on the radio) who flew a plane and (just as a Marine would do) he walked from the cemetery to the parents' home of the Marine that passed away to deliver to them the American flag that flew in the cockpit with him as he flew over where their son was killed. It touched my heart. There are very few stories of the parents in these stories because they mainly seem to focus on the spouses and kids (as they should), but it is nice to know these parents were remembered and that Marine went to great lengths to pay respects not only to his parents, but to him. He went to the cemetery first and then walked to the parents' house and it warmed my heart. There is something so amazing about the bond of these band of brothers and these two Marines had never met and he only knew this Marine that died by his call name over the radio. Chad was a radio operator. See why it's hard not to watch some of these shows? It just draws me in, but I have to stop. I don't like the feels that are stirred up when I do watch them. I'm so thankful to have seen the part about the Marines, but I need to make sure I am through feeling a little anger when others go home before I watch much more. I know it's awful. Trust me, I feel worst for feeling these feelings than it might even sound for you to read the words and there is nothing anyone can say to me that will make me feel worst than I already do. Anyone reading this blog has the right to say whatever they want, because I would deserve it. Not only did I feel those feelings for a brief moment (I made myself erase them as quickly as they arrived), but I also post it for others to read so I deserve what I get and I can take it, but trust me, whatever someone may say, I've said it first and probably many times over. I don't have an ugly heart (really I don't), I just have a sad heart right now and maybe for a very long time to come, but I'm working on it. I just pray a lot. That's all I can do.... So until I forgive myself, please forgive me for feeling so selfish. It's not right and I know better.

Happy Birthday Peanut!

Today is a very special little girl's 8th birthday. Just two more years and she will be two hands old. :) Talk about a blessing. That little girl not only could not be more like our Jessica than Jess was herself, but Chad loved that little girl like no body's business and she loved him. I just loved watching them together and looking through old pictures this week I found several with the two of them together and he was just so good with her. She is probably one of the most loving and caring child at 8 years old (today) than most kids I have ever known since Jessica and Chad. I wish I could be with her today, but I was fortunate enough to give her a big birthday hug and kiss Tuesday and Wednesday and once Nana and BoBo return from Memphis we will have a family birthday party for her so there is more to come and the bonus is she gets to celebrate for several weeks. :) I'm sure Stacy will love that part. Heheheheheheeee. When I called to tell her happy birthday this morning I told her to go jump in mommy's bed and say "It's my birthday, time to celebrate!".... She did! LOL.... Sowwwyyy sis, but I couldn't resist. Besides, it was late enough that it qualified for time to celebrate. Of course, Stacy's immediate response was you weren't born until noon so it's not really your birthday yet. LOL! Of course that didn't fly so she got up to start the party! Yeah.... Happy Birthday Peanut. Ammy loves you so much.

Yesterday & Today

Sooooo.... The last 2 days I've felt so sad. I've just had a sad heart. I know why, I just don't know how to make it feel better. Went through some of my photo albums of Chadman from birth to about 6 years old. He was absolutely the more precious little boy there ever was (sorry all other parents, I have to say that, 'cause it's true).... :) He was loving, fun, sweet, caring, and just a joy to be around. I look at the pictures of him and BoBo and I am reminded of how long and strong their bond is and then with all his family, with aunts, uncles, granny, papa, nana.... all of them. He was just a precious little man. I sure miss him and my heart hurts tonight. Don't worry about me, I will be fine. I just had to get these feelings out of my head so hopefully I can sleep or at least rest tonight. My heart has been so heavy and sad the last two days and I didn't want to share so much because I just needed to feel it. Tonight, however, I really need to rest my heart, mind, and body so I can do well tomorrow.

On a bright note it was a good day today, even with a sad heart. Went to the doctor with daddy for a echo cardiogram and did some work at Stacy's house (although not much). Daddy will be fine. I really think it was just to make sure the doctor's office isn't missing anything important, but he is good. It was just nice to be able to go with him and just ride together just me and him. I think I needed it more than he did actually. Thank you daddy. Even if it's just a doctor's appointment or a test, you always have good timing. :)

I will stop at nothing....

So, most people know that Chad is a huge Colt fan and TN Vols fan (that is certainly no surprise), however, a lot of people may not know that I wrote several letters to the Colts organization and to Peyton Manning directly to request permission to send something to them to have Peyton sign for Chad's 23rd birthday. Well, about a week after sending the letters we received an 8x10 picture of Peyton Manning (in my favorite color jersey) autographed by the man himself! I was over the top thrilled. We received it on a Tuesday and I was determined (for about 16 hours) not to tell Chad and just surprise him when I flew to CA in May when he returned from Afghanistan and I met him as he got off the bus (after Katie got her hug and kiss first of course, I wouldn't be that selfish) and hug him and give him his birthday gift. Well, like I said, I was determined, but not successful. He happened to call me the very next night (Wednesday, November 23, 2010). I said guess what.... I got your birthday present yesterday, do you want to know what it is? Of course he said yes (not that it would have mattered, because I am sure I would have told him anyway). I told him I got him an autographed picture of Peyton Manning. He said at least 4 times, "That's crazy, that's just crazy". Then he said "How did you pull that off?" and just then our call dropped. So the next morning I took a picture of his picture and wrote him a moto letter (a moto letter is basically an email that you can send and it gets printed off and someone physically takes it to him. This gets to them a little quicker, but still takes up to 2 to 3 weeks to arrive to the guys) and attached the picture of his picture to it and sent it on it's way with the complete explanation of house I got it. Well, of course as most of you know he never got his moto letter and that was the last time I got to hear my baby boys voice, but what an amazing last phone call to ever have with your child. He was excited and surprised. My bonus boys have told me a couple of times that after he got off the phone with me he told them about his signed picture. Heheheheheheeee... momma bear really got him on that one. I would have loved to be able to see his face as I was telling him what I got him. I can truly see the smile, but the selfish side of me wants to see it anyway. I guess that will just have to wait until I can get to heaven. Anyway, I had started my thank you letter to Peyton the same day I sent Chad's moto letter, but got distracted and didn't get it finished. I wanted to make sure number 1 that he knew I received it, but I also wanted to make sure that I knew for sure he would love that birthday present and tell him how excited he was. Well, it is very uncharacteristic of me not to finish something I start, but I had placed my thank you note to Peyton in my bag I take back and forth to work and had forgotten about it. Then of course December 1, 2010 happened (exactly 1 week almost to the hour that I had my last phone call with him) is when the doorbell rang and we got the devastating news about our boy. So needless to say my thank you letter was rather late getting to Peyton. I explained what had happened and thanked him for the best last call a mom could ever get and I even included a couple of pictures of Chad (mainly so he would know I wasn't some crazy person stalking him (yes we know I am capable of stalking my kids), but to also let him see the person he made so happy). I never was sure if he received the thank you or not and I did not want this precious deed of kindness to go unnoticed so I reached out to the Indianapolis Star paper to hopefully write a letter that they might publish so that even if Peyton doesn't read that particular paper his community will know what a great thing he did. I know they love Peyton there and they know the kind of man he is and the family he came from, but I wanted to make sure that without a doubt there are just normal people like us that appreciate the kind of man he is. Okay, I know what you are thinking... Tami, they have people that print these pictures off in bulk and they probably stamp his signature on the picture. Well, that may be, but it really did look like his handwriting on the return address. Maybe it wasn't, but I'm ok with my fantasy idea. :) They can't promise it will get published, but the fact that they were even interested enough and willing to call me and get my verbal commitment to publish it just in case they did meant a lot. If this doesn't work I know there are many more newspapers in the Indianapolis area that just might write it and as most people know (especially my kids) momma bear doesn't give up easily. Just so ya'll know that I am really not as crazy as all this sounds I have even attached a picture of Chad's picture so you can see too. Now, close your eyes now that you have seen the picture and think about mine and Chad's last phone call and I dare you to tell me you don't have a smile on your face knowing how excited that baby was. I am pretty sure I just won that dare.... Love you all!

Oh my sleepless night...

Well, I was so glad that finally after almost 3 months I could go to sleep and when I would wake up during the night I wasn't having all these visions running through my mind keeping me from continued rest at night, but that was short lived. :( Now it has begun again... I fall asleep and when I wake up (as I usually do every night), I can't fall back asleep or have a restful sleep for all the crazy visions in my head. Mostly to do with Chad, but then my mind wonders to all my bonus boys still over there and then I start worrying. I try to pray myself back to sleep and that doesn't seem to be helping much. Then someone from work suggested I play a song I like in my mind and let that put me back to sleep. Well, I tried that one and (if you know me will find this completely hilarious and know why) and when I couldn't remember all the words it drove me nuts and then I was wide awake (sigh). If you have suggestions that are different from these two I've already tried please feel free to share. BTW, those who know me really well know that I usually rock myself to sleep with my foot.... Yeah, all these years that has worked and not even that works (that one actually irritates me more now... Ha!). I know this will eventually get better, but right now my body is screaming (SLEEP/REST) and I'm having no luck at all with my tricks. I will say that I must have the most patient and understanding husband that ever lived, because he never complains about my resltless nights and my up and down out of the bed (and it's obvious I'm not the quietest person in the night or early mornings), but he never says anything (other than joking around of course). He certainly has put up with a lot over the last 3 months and 21 days and continues to do so in a loving way. I don't know what I ever did to get so lucky to have him in my life, but I sure am glad I did it. IF you are reading this Tebo, I love you and appreciate you more than I will ever have words to express appropriately. I'm very fortunate to have you in my life and my family is forutnate to have you in their lives as well. Just love how much you are loved each and every day even if it's not verbilized.

Project Update! 2

Yeah!!! We are one step closer to seeing this actually take off! I'm so excited. I got an email back from Captain Martinez USMC today and the Marine Corps gave us approval to offer this gift to our boys! There are, of course, some guidelines we will have to adhere to, but that's okay by me. We can certainly handle that. We are still waiting on the okay from the USMC on whether they can hand out information about our charity on base and what that looks like. Hey, a win is a win and this my friends, is a WIN! I hope to have more information and updates over the next couple of weeks. Tebo and I will be on vacation visiting my wonderful bonus mom in TX next week so there won't be much going on from my end next week, but I wanted to get this information out there as quickly as I could. I just got my email from Captain Martinez today and you were the first I've told.

In true momma bear fashion here is a picture of my inspiration. Much love to you all and thank you for all your encouragement, support, and love.

My Bestie!

Yeah! My bestie (Traci Davis) finished her last round of chemo yesterday! I have to say that she is one of the strongest and most positive people I've ever been around. When she could have stopped everything and just had a pity party, she didn't. She dug her heels in and said "I got this". I may have cried more than she did in the beginning and once I saw her strength shining through I decided I better put my big girl panties on and be there for her. We have actually had a little fun with everything throughout the start of this journey. She said she wanted smiling and laughter, no sadness, so given a mission I worked very hard to make sure that's what we did as much as possible. We had cute pink chemo buddy shirts made up and each buddy wore them with her during treatments and every chance we got to make fun or laugh at either her hair (or lack thereof) or just her diet or whatever it might be that's what we did. We kept our promise to have lunch together at least once a week (we always try to squeeze in an extra each week) and of course argued over whose turn it was to pay (she was usually wrong). :) More than anything though we just encouraged each other. I know you might be thinking, encouraged each other. Well, let me explain. Just as she found out she had stage 3 breast cancer (freaking cancer, I hate you) was when Chad just left on deployment to Afghanistan. Tebo said I needed a project for at least 7 months so I decided my bestie would be my project. Well, less than 6 full weeks later I lost my only child in combat so now suddenly we were each other's project. She has helped me as much if not more than I have helped her. She already had a wonderful husband, amazing sister in law and brother in law and countless family and friends so I was pretty insignificant in the scheme of things anyway, but I was determined to do my part. We truly helped each other. I still went to chemo treatments with her every chance I got when her other buddies couldn't be there and she was so inspirational to me and here I was suppose to be helping her. The great thing about us is we don't keep score so I still have a chance to catch up to her giving since I don't have a clue where we stand now (thank goodness)... HA! I plan to continue to be right by her side through surgeries and anything else she has that comes along with this dreaded disease. I continue to grow as a person every time I see someone (especially someone close to me) go through trials and tribulations and come out seeing the sunshine in it all. That's what Traci does. She finds the sunshine where most others just see black skies. I want to be just like her when I grow up. I love you my bestie!