So for those that may not have read about my new project earlier here's what it is. Tebo and I felt it was terrible that the military doesn't pay for our soldiers to go home before and after deployment. That money comes out of their pockets or family/friend's pockets if they come home. Not all soldier's families can afford to help them get home so if they can't pay for it themselves then they just don't get to go home. That broke our hearts. Chad was lucky that if we couldn't afford a ticket from time to time that either family or friends had ways of getting him points or buddy passes to get home. Well, I knew after Dec. 1st that I couldn't imagine not having that time with Chad before he deployed to Afghanistan and I was so thankful to have that time and just soaked up every minute with him I could that I told Tebo that it is my mission that no soldier/family had to ever worry about that again. In our opinion the military (our government) should be the one to foot the bill for them to go home before and after deployment. I understand if they want to go home at other times to hang out with friends or just be home for a long weekend that they should pay their own way (that teaches them responsibility anyway), but pre and post deployment leave should be the exception. With that in mind I told Tebo I wanted to start a Charity to raise money to be used for these soldiers to go home before and after deployment. So today I had a meeting with someone I have trusted and admired at Tyson Foods for a long time, Russell Tooley (I don't think he would mind me telling his name) and shared my idea with him. He got as excited as I did and just started brainstorming all these great ideas and even apologized a time or two for taking over. I said that's why I brought this idea to you to help me get started because I knew you would jump in with both feet. He felt this was indeed a need that was not being met and he is all in. He will start with making some contacts and finding out what we do first to get things started and then who knows. This thing could take off like wildfire and our soldiers may never have to worry about a pre or post deployment plane ticket ever again. Wouldn't that be the most amazing thing and I can think of no other way to honor our Chadman than to make sure every family is as lucky as we were to soak in every second they can with their loved one. This is for you my baby boy. Love, mom
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Nice unepected surprise
Yesterday was a rough day. All I could do starting around 4:00 PM was cry. I can't explain it and there wasn't just one particular something that started it, it just happened. My precious neighbor came over and just sat and cried with me for several hours and I told her I would love to get a call from Chad or at least from Afghanistan to know the guys were all ok. It wasn't an hour later and my cell phone rang and the number that popped up was labeled "Chad Afghanistan"! I was so excited. I didn't know which of my bonus boys was calling, but I knew it was one of them. It was Chip! We talked for about 15 minutes (so it seemed) and it was a great chat. We talked about Chad and he caught me up on how they were doing over there. They were safe and doing ok. Fortunately they are starting to get back on a somewhat regular schedule (if that's possible over there) so that was good to know. These boys just can never know what it does for my heart to hear from them and know they are doing ok. Thank you Chip.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Blue
I love the color blue, but I sure don't like feeling blue. All day today I've felt so blue. I've not really cried (yet), but I feel like I'm on the edge of tears all day. I can't really explain it other than I miss my baby boy so badly that if I could just somehow jump into heaven I would do it right now. I can't explain my heart. Like several people who have lost a child have told me, there is no other pain like this. I believe it. There are times during the day that I feel like for a second I can't breath. I'm scared to take a step forward and I'm scared to stay in one spot. I don't want to sleep, because if I ever happen to wake from a deep sleep my mind goes to places I don't want to be and I can't rest and then I'm overcome with sadness again. At times I will be hungry and ready to eat and the food touches my lips and I feel like I'm going to be sick and I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. I don't, of course, but that's what I want to do. I hate mornings! That use to be my favorite time of every day and when I was the most productive, but now I just want to stay asleep (if I'm lucky enough to have finally fallen asleep and stayed asleep) and not get up to face the day. I especially hate the thought of going into the office. It's not the people themselves, it's me. The people are amazing, but I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. I know this will most likely pass and get somewhat better for me, but until that time I don't know how to function like this. I want to go to CA to go through Chad's stuff and potentially get some things that I would like to keep and then another part of me is terrified to do that, because it's like it is truly final. I want to feel happy, but if I laugh I feel guilty, if I complain I feel guilty, if I feel sad I feel guilty so how does a person sort all this out? I just hate this. I wish I could wake up from what feels like a horrible nightmare. I just really need a do over and have my son back with me. I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this. I really don't. I have always considered myself a strong person, but I may have over estimated myself.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I miss my whole heart



I know I promised myself I was going to start blogging on my good days as well, but so far I've not had enough good days for long enough to have much to blog about. I'm just missing a huge piece of my heart right now. I'm so very proud of him and all he has done throughout his life. Some pictures of him from Afghanistan have started surfacing and I'm so thrilled to see them. I love to see pictures of him. It makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. I know, I make no sense at times, but that's okay, I never have.
I feel so disconnected right now and not sure how to reconnect right now. I'm so thankful I have such a patient and loving husband to be by my side right now, because I'm certain I would just die of a broken heart right now. I love the Vince Gill and Dolly Parton song "I will always love you" and right now listening to it on my iPod makes me think of my sweet baby boy. We loved a song when he was little called "A Groovy Kind of Love" and when he first heard it on the radio (he must have been 3 or 4) he said that's our song mommy. I haven't heard it in forever and if I did right now I would probably just fall to the floor crying and laughing. Crying because I miss my baby so much and laughing because we would sing it to the top of our lungs when it would come on. I love those memories. I love you Chadman. You will always be my baby boy with the curls and I will never stop missing you. Love, mommy
Thursday, January 20, 2011
My new Project!
So those who know me best know that I have to have a project and when I go through anything remotely like losing my precious Jessica and now my baby boy I tend to throw myself into a project. With Jessica I started research on the Canton, NC papermill that I am still convinced caused her cancer. With losing my baby boy, Chad, I've decided I am going to throw myself into working on a charity to help these young men and women not have to pay for airline tickets to come home before and after deployments to see their families. I don't know how I'm going to get this started or the name of it yet, but this is what I will be really focused on (yes, my baseboards will thank me) until I see it grow to the point that our babies never have to pay out of their pockets to say bye to their famililes or hug them when they return home when they go off to war ever again!!! This is a much needed leave for these soldiers and it's as much for the soldier as it is the families and the last thing they should have to worry about is paying for these sometimes very expensive tickets. I believe there are a lot of people out there that believe they get everything issued to them and the military/government takes care of them while they are enlisted. Let me shed some light on that (only from a Marine Corps perspective of course). They are issued very little. They get very little pay and they get rent taken out of their check each month even when they live on base if they are not in a barrak. That being said, there is a misconception that they soldiers have all this money and they don't. They even have to pay to do their laundry (even on base) so life in the military is far from easy financially not to mention physically and emotionally. I'm clearly speaking from the experience of my son and his band of brothers in his company so other branches may do a better job of this, but this has been our experience. I will say, Chad was fortunate enough to have family and even a total stranger that helped us out when he nor we could pay for a ticket from time to time and we were able to get him home whenever he needed/wanted to come home or we flew out there. I know for sure there are at least 2 guys that are very close to Chad that don't have that privilege and that breaks my heart. I never want another soldier to have to not see their families because they can't afford a plane ticket. Don't be fooled about the airlines giving these men and women discounts. The discounts we have found are not enough to make a difference and more times than not even with the "discounts" we found tickets cheaper ourselves without the "military discounts". You know, actually if I owned an airline and I had any active military personnel traveling home before/after deployment there would be NO charge to them at all and their meals and drinks would be FREE! I mean really? Isn't that what they are over there fighting for (even though they volunteered) so we could be FREE? This is a very strong passion of mine and Tebo's and we intend to do our part and all we can to make sure this changes or we have a fund that will allow tickets to be paid for so they don't take this money out of their pockets anymore. Okay, I think I'm done with my soap box (for now). Love, Proud Marine Mom!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
WIP
I'm pretty sure for a long time to come my heart will be WIP (work in progress). Don't get me wrong, I'm not just continuously sad 24/7, but there is a sad place in my heart constantly. I have better moments in the day than others, but for the most part it is still just sad. That's the best way to describe how my heart feels. Tebo commented that I am slower (walking that is) and he is correct. I feel like I am in slow motion at times and still in a fog. I'm not sure when this fog will lift, but I feel like I am constantly aware of this state I'm limbo in and some days it drives me crazy. I'm very fortunate that I do have Tebo in my life to help me navigate these waters and I'm so thankful that he has the patience he does with me. I'm not sure anyone else could walk through this with me besides him.
I'm not going to say I don't have moments here and there when I feel I can laugh and not feel guilty or finally fall asleep without crying, but those are very few and far between. I was missing him already, but knowing I could either get a phone call and hear his voice or get a call from Katie letting me know she talked to him and he was ok or that I would see him at the end of May first of June was enough to get me through. Now, knowing none of that is ever going to happen again or at all just keeps me in this state of sadness and a pain I've never experienced even though I thought I had experienced with Jessica. When it was Jessica I thought I had died in side and I know a part of me did, but I honestly could have never been able to truly understand the true meaning of that and what Paige was going through until I had to experience it first hand. I can tell you now that there truly is no other pain like losing a child. I have no doubt that losing my precious husband (especially as long as we've been together, shared, and as close as we have become) that I would hurt, but even with that I cannot imagine it ever being as heartbreaking as this is. I truly feel some days that I may actual die of a broken heart. I know, for me, I always thought that was just a figure of speach, but I truly believe it could be possible. I will continue my "Heart WIP" as long as the Lord plans to keep me on this earth, but I can say that right now, today, it sure doesn't feel like I will actually accomplish it. I love you Chadman and I miss you so much! Love, your momma bear.
I'm not going to say I don't have moments here and there when I feel I can laugh and not feel guilty or finally fall asleep without crying, but those are very few and far between. I was missing him already, but knowing I could either get a phone call and hear his voice or get a call from Katie letting me know she talked to him and he was ok or that I would see him at the end of May first of June was enough to get me through. Now, knowing none of that is ever going to happen again or at all just keeps me in this state of sadness and a pain I've never experienced even though I thought I had experienced with Jessica. When it was Jessica I thought I had died in side and I know a part of me did, but I honestly could have never been able to truly understand the true meaning of that and what Paige was going through until I had to experience it first hand. I can tell you now that there truly is no other pain like losing a child. I have no doubt that losing my precious husband (especially as long as we've been together, shared, and as close as we have become) that I would hurt, but even with that I cannot imagine it ever being as heartbreaking as this is. I truly feel some days that I may actual die of a broken heart. I know, for me, I always thought that was just a figure of speach, but I truly believe it could be possible. I will continue my "Heart WIP" as long as the Lord plans to keep me on this earth, but I can say that right now, today, it sure doesn't feel like I will actually accomplish it. I love you Chadman and I miss you so much! Love, your momma bear.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Hidden blessings & Confirmations
This is dedicated to some dear friends I just met a few years ago at my husband's class reunion and they just adopted me as part of their class and family and I never knew why, but today I know. They sent us a beautiful picture (shadow box really) of an angel with beautiful wings with the scripture from Psalms 91:11 below it. The card was signed by: Cindy, Rhonda, Melba, Kim, Celeste, Stephanie, & Tami. They sent this because we lost our son, Chad. First of all ladies, thank you from the bottom of both our hearts, but you have done two amazing things with this gesture. First you gave us both comfort and a warm place in our hearts today just knowing you were thinking of us. Not only is it beautiful, but it is something that was created by Kenneth Wyatt (one of Terry's favorite artists). We will treasure it always. The second thing this did for our family today was give us confirmation that while we were helping a family member get to a better place today and feeling some doubts at moments if we were doing the right thing or not this box showed up at the house. I am home alone today due to the weather and had been talking back and forth to family all morning to take care of this most precious/delicate situation and once I opened the box I felt a certain amount of confirmation that this is exactly what family does when there is a loved one in need. I shared this scripture that is on this picture "For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways" with that family member and the ones helping today. I had instant peace that we were being her angel wings today just as each of these precious ladies are being mine and Terry's (Tebo) angel wings for us. Thank you ladies from the bottom of our hearts and I can't wait to see you all again. Much love, Tami & Terry
Monday, January 10, 2011
Don't feel like mom anymore...

Well, I'm still trying to find my "new normal" or whatever life without my only child will be, but I am trying to heal each day in my own way. Therapy for everyone is very different and for whatever reason mine tends to be cleaning and organizing. I've found some comfort in doing that throughout the house, but oddly enough I also find a little healing in just sitting and letting my mind basically think of nothing. Then suddenly while I'm sitting there I see my baby boy's face and start remembering different things. I will either think of something funny he did or his laugh, smile, messed up little knuckle from a fight where he was defending a girl. I will think of what he did or didn't do that would make me smile and then the tears start again. I know I will forever miss him and I hope I will be okay one day, but right now it sure doesn't feel like it. I know I am fortunate to have bonus kids all over, but the truth is they have moms. Their moms have their kids. Some days I don't feel like a mom anymore. I know, I will always be Chad's mom, but I will never get to "mother" him again. I won't be able to get that phone call where he just needs to bounce things off me or get some advice or tell me something that just happened or to find out the score of the TN game. I won't be able to wash and iron his clothes anymore when he comes to visit or make sure his sheets smell like Downy (the original scent) ever again. That breaks my heart. I miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. That is never going to change. I hope my heart heals some and I'm able to enjoy life again, but right now I hurt too much to want life to be enjoyable again. I have an amazing husband who is doing everything possible to help me through this. My family is being so wonderfully supportive and trying hard to do whatever they can to help. My bonus kids are doing all they can to help, but honestly, I just want to cry. I don't want to be made to feel better right now and I don't want to speak with a counselor right now. I just want my baby boy back and that isn't going to happen and I know this. All I ever knew how to really do was be Chad's mom. How do you go from being Chad's mom to nothing. Yes, I'm still a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, bonus mom, cousin, and friend, but I want to be his mom (real mom) and I'm not. I hate this. I hate it more than I ever thought possible to hate something. I know, it is suppose and most likely will get a little easier or hurt less, but today, that's not the case.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thank you to our Family & Friends & even total strangers
Before I completely sign off Face Book for some time to heal my heart and just get in a better place I wanted to send a formal thank you to my family and friends since this is a great way to reach so many people. First of all, I do plan to continue my blog and you are welcome to view it any time you wish and comment if you want and not if you don't want to. Either way it is just a way for me to express some thoughts and feelings I may be experiencing at certain times. As a precious friend reminded me, I need to also document some "blessing journals" and not only my low points so it is my commitment to work on doing just that.
That being said I hope that everyone gets the honor of having the kind of family we have. Some use to say we were too close a family. Well, I would like to say to people who have ever said that, that you couldn't have it more wrong. Yes, we are a super close family. We are the type of family that may not talk every day or even see each other more than once or twice a year, but we always (and I mean ALWAYS) know we are there for each other no matter what life throws at us and that was more than proven when we lost our precious little Chadman. We had family that traveled from all over to be here for us. Most people know what a burden just taking time away from work, life, and the financial strain traveling can be so for so many of our family that traveled to do just that for us has touched us, but didn't surprise us at all. For each of you that did that for us thank you will never be enough, but please know that it made a very difficult time a little easier to walk through just knowing you were here. For our friends that we have held so close to our hearts for as long as they have been in our lives (and you know who you are) also either traveled from near and far to be with us and those who couldn't make the trip made sure they did something (cards, donations, calls, etc.) to let us know that they were with us from right where they were. They still took time out of their precious little time with their families to make sure we knew they were thinking of us. Our hearts are forever touched and changed by the outpouring of love and support we have felt. Tebo and I do try to live our lives making sure those we love and care about know how we feel, but fortunately for us we haven't had to experience many times in our lives where we had to be on this receiving end of this love and support and it has been amazing. We can't forget those friends (now) that we had never met before all this. Some (most) were/are Marines and other military personnel/families that will forever be in our lives. There was a local artist that we have never met and didn't know us or Chad, but was commissioned to do an art piece for another TN Volunteer fan and just before completing the art piece she learned of Chad and of his passion for TN and she felt compelled to do an art piece for us (her name is Robin Loveless of Rogers, AR). She created an amazing piece of TN Volunteer art piece for us at no charge and had it delivered to our home and when she signed it she stated "in memory of Chad Wade". We will always be appreciative and hang that artwork in our home with much pride. These are very little gestures that we have received since Dec. 1, 2010 and words just don't seem enough to thank so many people for so many huge acts of love they have shown us. We are fortunate to work for a company (Tyson Foods) that not only tell their team members that we are important to them and work so hard on our culture and core values, but live them. That was so evident throughout this process with us. We did not have to worry about food, paper products, anything throughout this sad time, because not only did they make sure we were taken care of, but they made sure anyone who happened to be in our home were taken care of and they even had committees and communication teams in place to make sure when an inventory was taken and anything needed to be replaced it was suddenly right there. We don't know how to say thank you. We can't express our gratitude to all these people without making special mention to our wonderful neighborhood (Oxford Ridge, Bentonville). They not only made sure meals were provided when needed, but they opened their homes (you know who you are) for friends and family to sleep without paying for hotel rooms (even my family members arranged with Lindsey Properties to make sure family and friends had a free place to stay) and they have been a continued source of support and encouragement throughout all of this. I have to mention that most of our family and friends have been supporting Tebo, myself, and Katie since deployment started to make sure we were doing ok with this 2nd and final deployment so it is really no surprise that they have stepped up like they have. There is a particular neighbor that I won't mention his name because just understanding the kind of man (Veteran in the Army) he is he would not want his name mentioned, but he has gone above and beyond to take care of us in ways only he could. He has made sure that we, as parents, are shown how important our son is and for that I am certain we will never be able to thank enough. Every day we continue to have our breath taken away by the love and kindness we are shown. It has been a renewed faith in human kind that I guess in some way we needed to be reminded of. We are profoundly changed from this day forward, but it is our mission to make sure that every active military young man/woman never again has to pay out of their pockets for a plane ticket to come home before and after deployments to love on their families and friends ever again. Sadly, that is what our young men and women have to do. They have not all been as fortunate as our Chad to have family, friends, and parents who could help them get home before and after deployments and it breaks our hearts to know this happens. We will be committing the rest of our lives in making sure that if our Government isn't going to provide free tickets for these young men and women to visit their families before and after their tour of duties then Tebo and I have committed to figure out a way to get those paid in full for them. We don't mean if they just want a weekend or time home to hang out with friends or whatever. We are talking about precious time they get to come home and tell their loved ones "see you when I return to the states" or love on them when they've been gone 8 months to a year, then we want to do all we can to make sure they get home without having to take what little money they have to do it themselves. Okay, I'm off my soap box for now, but again, I know thank you isn't near enough to express how we truly feel about all of you and our new Marine bonus sons that helped us through this journey, but that is truly all we have, but it is felt from the depths of our souls. Love, Tami & Tebo
That being said I hope that everyone gets the honor of having the kind of family we have. Some use to say we were too close a family. Well, I would like to say to people who have ever said that, that you couldn't have it more wrong. Yes, we are a super close family. We are the type of family that may not talk every day or even see each other more than once or twice a year, but we always (and I mean ALWAYS) know we are there for each other no matter what life throws at us and that was more than proven when we lost our precious little Chadman. We had family that traveled from all over to be here for us. Most people know what a burden just taking time away from work, life, and the financial strain traveling can be so for so many of our family that traveled to do just that for us has touched us, but didn't surprise us at all. For each of you that did that for us thank you will never be enough, but please know that it made a very difficult time a little easier to walk through just knowing you were here. For our friends that we have held so close to our hearts for as long as they have been in our lives (and you know who you are) also either traveled from near and far to be with us and those who couldn't make the trip made sure they did something (cards, donations, calls, etc.) to let us know that they were with us from right where they were. They still took time out of their precious little time with their families to make sure we knew they were thinking of us. Our hearts are forever touched and changed by the outpouring of love and support we have felt. Tebo and I do try to live our lives making sure those we love and care about know how we feel, but fortunately for us we haven't had to experience many times in our lives where we had to be on this receiving end of this love and support and it has been amazing. We can't forget those friends (now) that we had never met before all this. Some (most) were/are Marines and other military personnel/families that will forever be in our lives. There was a local artist that we have never met and didn't know us or Chad, but was commissioned to do an art piece for another TN Volunteer fan and just before completing the art piece she learned of Chad and of his passion for TN and she felt compelled to do an art piece for us (her name is Robin Loveless of Rogers, AR). She created an amazing piece of TN Volunteer art piece for us at no charge and had it delivered to our home and when she signed it she stated "in memory of Chad Wade". We will always be appreciative and hang that artwork in our home with much pride. These are very little gestures that we have received since Dec. 1, 2010 and words just don't seem enough to thank so many people for so many huge acts of love they have shown us. We are fortunate to work for a company (Tyson Foods) that not only tell their team members that we are important to them and work so hard on our culture and core values, but live them. That was so evident throughout this process with us. We did not have to worry about food, paper products, anything throughout this sad time, because not only did they make sure we were taken care of, but they made sure anyone who happened to be in our home were taken care of and they even had committees and communication teams in place to make sure when an inventory was taken and anything needed to be replaced it was suddenly right there. We don't know how to say thank you. We can't express our gratitude to all these people without making special mention to our wonderful neighborhood (Oxford Ridge, Bentonville). They not only made sure meals were provided when needed, but they opened their homes (you know who you are) for friends and family to sleep without paying for hotel rooms (even my family members arranged with Lindsey Properties to make sure family and friends had a free place to stay) and they have been a continued source of support and encouragement throughout all of this. I have to mention that most of our family and friends have been supporting Tebo, myself, and Katie since deployment started to make sure we were doing ok with this 2nd and final deployment so it is really no surprise that they have stepped up like they have. There is a particular neighbor that I won't mention his name because just understanding the kind of man (Veteran in the Army) he is he would not want his name mentioned, but he has gone above and beyond to take care of us in ways only he could. He has made sure that we, as parents, are shown how important our son is and for that I am certain we will never be able to thank enough. Every day we continue to have our breath taken away by the love and kindness we are shown. It has been a renewed faith in human kind that I guess in some way we needed to be reminded of. We are profoundly changed from this day forward, but it is our mission to make sure that every active military young man/woman never again has to pay out of their pockets for a plane ticket to come home before and after deployments to love on their families and friends ever again. Sadly, that is what our young men and women have to do. They have not all been as fortunate as our Chad to have family, friends, and parents who could help them get home before and after deployments and it breaks our hearts to know this happens. We will be committing the rest of our lives in making sure that if our Government isn't going to provide free tickets for these young men and women to visit their families before and after their tour of duties then Tebo and I have committed to figure out a way to get those paid in full for them. We don't mean if they just want a weekend or time home to hang out with friends or whatever. We are talking about precious time they get to come home and tell their loved ones "see you when I return to the states" or love on them when they've been gone 8 months to a year, then we want to do all we can to make sure they get home without having to take what little money they have to do it themselves. Okay, I'm off my soap box for now, but again, I know thank you isn't near enough to express how we truly feel about all of you and our new Marine bonus sons that helped us through this journey, but that is truly all we have, but it is felt from the depths of our souls. Love, Tami & Tebo
Family Angered by Marine's Death at Hospital
This makes my heart sad all over again. No family, especially a military family should every have to go through something like this when it could have been prevented. God bless this family and so many others that may have gone through the same thing. This is courtesy of Military.com.
December 29, 2010Virginian-Pilot
-->
PORTSMOUTH -- Lance Cpl. Ezequiel Freire got out of Afghanistan alive, but a stateside hospital stay proved fatal.
The 20-year-old Marine's death from a prescription drug overdose at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center has left his family reeling, outraged and frustrated by what they see as an absence of accountability for those charged with his care.
Freire died of a toxic cocktail of powerful narcotics and sedatives as he was awaiting chemotherapy treatment for cancer. The case underscores the dangers inherent in the many potent painkillers on the market today, which have helped drive an alarming rise in overdoses.
Overdose deaths from prescription drugs now exceed those from illegal drugs.
The Freire case also leaves unanswered the question of what, if any, consequences there were for the doctors involved in his care.
There were ample warnings available on the drug labels and in the medical literature about the risks of the multidrug therapy that was used in Freire's case.
But there is no record of any public disciplinary action against any of the doctors by the Virginia Board of Medicine.
A hospital official said the case has prompted several ongoing investigations that have resulted in corrective actions.
The final insult, in the eyes of Freire's family members, is that they have no legal recourse against his caregivers. That's because of a 60-year-old legal precedent known as the Feres Doctrine, which prohibits lawsuits when military service members are injured or killed by negligence.
"We trusted them, and they killed him," said Federico Freire, the dead man's older brother and a fellow Marine. "It just sickens me."
The Freire family moved to Bradenton, Fla., from their native Argentina when Federico was 10 and Ezequiel was 4.
From an early age, both brothers were attracted to the military life. They were fond of dressing up in camouflage gear and playing with paintball and BB guns in the woods.
Ezequiel Freire, the baby of the family, joined the Boy Scouts, a local rescue team and the Bradenton police explorer program.
"He was a good kid," said his sister Julie Freire. "He never had any enemies. He was always the mediator. He was always trying to help everyone."
Following his brother's footsteps, he joined the Marines in May 2008, going straight to boot camp from high school. Federico Freire, an infantry rifleman now stationed at Camp Pendleton, Calif., went to Iraq. Ezequiel, an anti-tank missile gunner, drew Afghanistan.
Ezequiel Freire was in more than 50 firefights during his six-month deployment in 2009, his brother said. Ambushes, roadside bombings and rocket-propelled grenade attacks were commonplace.
"He was knee-deep in it," Federico Freire said. "He had to pull buddies out of Humvees with their bodies cut in half."
Every day, he and his fellow Marines thought they were going to die, Julie Freire said, but he counseled his buddies not to be afraid, telling them: "You shouldn't fear death, because what we're living right now is hell. What better place to be than in paradise?"
When he came home at Thanksgiving in 2009, the combat clearly had taken its toll. He suffered flashbacks and blackouts. When he picked up his car, he kept making sudden stops on the drive home as if scouting for bombs.
When the family went out to dinner with his girlfriend's family, he repeatedly stepped outside, gripped by anxiety attacks. He told his sister: "Julie, I can't go in there. There's too much noise. They're starting to ask me questions. I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm going to go crazy."
When the family lit fireworks to celebrate the New Year, he locked himself in his room and put pillows over his head to muffle the noise.
"Nothing made him happy," his sister said. "He just wanted to be alone."
Back at Camp Lejeune, N.C., he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
There was something else wrong, too. Increasingly, he was troubled by chest pains.
His sister had noticed it over Christmas. When she joked with him, he'd say "Julie, stop making me laugh. My heart hurts."
X-rays at the base clinic revealed a large mass in his chest. He was taken by ambulance to the Portsmouth naval hospital, where a biopsy led doctors to suspect Hodgkin's lymphoma, a type of cancer.
Federico Freire arrived at his brother's bedside five days later after a 12-hour trip from California. It was after visiting hours in the evening, and after 20 minutes he was told he had to leave. He refused.
At that, "a gang of four security guards escorted me out of the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm," he said. "Then my brother had a panic attack. He thought I'd been kidnapped by the Taliban. He unhooked himself from his IVs and wandered the halls looking for me."
The doctors later apologized and let him back in, Freire said.
A port was placed in Ezequiel Freire's chest in preparation for chemotherapy. The plan was to deliver the first round of chemicals in Portsmouth and then transfer him to a medical facility near his home in Florida for the rest of the treatments.
By then, Freire's chest pain had become chronic. He was given a series of high-powered drugs for the pain -- first morphine, then oxycodone and its time-release variant OxyContin, supplemented by Dilaudid. Simultaneously, he was receiving a series of sedatives for anxiety -- first Ativan, then Xanax, and finally Klonopin -- plus Ambien and then Lunesta for insomnia.
"He had so many doctors, and every one had a different opinion about his treatment," Federico Freire said. "Every day, it became more frustrating."
As many as 20 doctors were involved in his care over the three weeks he was in the hospital, according to his medical records.
Around midday on Feb. 12, the doctors switched his pain medication again -- this time to fentanyl, a narcotic 100 times more potent than morphine, delivered directly to the bloodstream via a patch placed on the skin.
On the theory that the fentanyl would not take effect for 36 hours, Freire was also given his scheduled doses of oxycodone and OxyContin that evening.
Family members say they expressed concern to Freire's caregivers about the number and levels of drugs.
"My sister and I spent two hours with the nurses, telling them, 'You guys are giving him a cocktail of death,' " Julie Freire said. "And the nurses agreed. They said, 'You're right. One Advil will put him over.' He had so much buildup in his system. That fentanyl patch is what did it.
"His last text message was to his best friend. It said: 'Hey, dude, I just took a bunch of pills. I'm about to pass.' It was like he could feel that his time was coming."
Around 4 a.m. on Feb. 13, a nurse found Freire unresponsive and was unable to revive him. He died in his brother's arms.
The cancer was not the culprit. In fact, Freire stood a good chance of recovery. The five-year survival rate for Hodgkin's lymphoma is close to 90 percent.
In a meeting with the family soon afterward, one of his doctors acknowledged that an overdose was to blame, Federico Freire said.
Later, the autopsy report confirmed it: The cause of death was "multidrug toxicity."
Freire had a level of fentanyl in his blood and urine "within reported toxic ranges," according to the report. In addition, 10 other drugs were found in various levels.
The powerful combination of drugs caused him to stop breathing, the report concluded.
Capt. Darin Via, deputy commander of the naval hospital, said the staff was "very saddened" by Freire's death. He said the case prompted an ongoing quality assurance review whose goal is "to identify areas where we can improve health care delivery to all patients."
Already, he said, the hospital has taken steps to "ensure that all of our providers and patients are aware of the risks associated with the use of fentanyl patches."
There was a separate investigation by the Naval Criminal Investigative Service; its findings have not yet been made public.
The available warnings about multidrug therapy such as was used in the Freire case are explicit.
For example, the website of Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the fentanyl patch sold under the trade name Duragesic, warns that the simultaneous use of the patch with other central nervous system depressants, including sedatives and other opioids -- a medical term for narcotics such as oxycodone -- may cause respiratory depression and a coma.
"When such combined therapy is contemplated, the dose of one or both agents should be significantly reduced," the warning states. "Overestimating the Duragesic dose when converting patients from another opioid medication can result in fatal overdose with the first dose."
John Horn, a professor of pharmacy at the University of Washington and an authority on drug interactions, called the dose of fentanyl prescribed for Freire -- 75 micrograms -- "a fairly robust dose."
"The first thing that would occur to me is, is that too much?" Horn said. "Is that too big a patch?"
Even if it was, Horn suggested, Freire's death might have been avoided with better monitoring.
"Typically, people don't go from normal respiration rates to dead," he said. "They have slower and slower respiration rates until they get down to a rate that's not compatible with life. If you catch it early, it's pretty easy to reverse it. But all of that requires monitoring.
"Something like this is not supposed to happen in a hospital. It does, of course. It can happen anywhere. But it's much more common at home, where nobody's monitoring the patient."
Horn said an increase in narcotic-induced deaths over the past few years has prompted heightened scrutiny of hospital procedures by accrediting agencies.
Freire's relatives have consulted lawyers but have been told that even in a case of demonstrable malpractice, a lawsuit would be hopeless because of the Feres Doctrine, a legal precedent based on the ancient common-law principle of sovereign immunity -- the idea that the government can do no wrong.
The precedent bars lawsuits over injuries "incident to military service."
Critics say the doctrine has created a culture of impunity in military medicine, resulting in substandard care.
Attempts to repeal it have surfaced periodically in Congress for more than 20 years, but all have failed.
"There's no accountability," Ezequiel Freire's sister Julie said. "For him, the most dangerous place was the hospital."
© Copyright 2011 Virginian-Pilot. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
December 29, 2010Virginian-Pilot
-->
PORTSMOUTH -- Lance Cpl. Ezequiel Freire got out of Afghanistan alive, but a stateside hospital stay proved fatal.
The 20-year-old Marine's death from a prescription drug overdose at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center has left his family reeling, outraged and frustrated by what they see as an absence of accountability for those charged with his care.
Freire died of a toxic cocktail of powerful narcotics and sedatives as he was awaiting chemotherapy treatment for cancer. The case underscores the dangers inherent in the many potent painkillers on the market today, which have helped drive an alarming rise in overdoses.
Overdose deaths from prescription drugs now exceed those from illegal drugs.
The Freire case also leaves unanswered the question of what, if any, consequences there were for the doctors involved in his care.
There were ample warnings available on the drug labels and in the medical literature about the risks of the multidrug therapy that was used in Freire's case.
But there is no record of any public disciplinary action against any of the doctors by the Virginia Board of Medicine.
A hospital official said the case has prompted several ongoing investigations that have resulted in corrective actions.
The final insult, in the eyes of Freire's family members, is that they have no legal recourse against his caregivers. That's because of a 60-year-old legal precedent known as the Feres Doctrine, which prohibits lawsuits when military service members are injured or killed by negligence.
"We trusted them, and they killed him," said Federico Freire, the dead man's older brother and a fellow Marine. "It just sickens me."
The Freire family moved to Bradenton, Fla., from their native Argentina when Federico was 10 and Ezequiel was 4.
From an early age, both brothers were attracted to the military life. They were fond of dressing up in camouflage gear and playing with paintball and BB guns in the woods.
Ezequiel Freire, the baby of the family, joined the Boy Scouts, a local rescue team and the Bradenton police explorer program.
"He was a good kid," said his sister Julie Freire. "He never had any enemies. He was always the mediator. He was always trying to help everyone."
Following his brother's footsteps, he joined the Marines in May 2008, going straight to boot camp from high school. Federico Freire, an infantry rifleman now stationed at Camp Pendleton, Calif., went to Iraq. Ezequiel, an anti-tank missile gunner, drew Afghanistan.
Ezequiel Freire was in more than 50 firefights during his six-month deployment in 2009, his brother said. Ambushes, roadside bombings and rocket-propelled grenade attacks were commonplace.
"He was knee-deep in it," Federico Freire said. "He had to pull buddies out of Humvees with their bodies cut in half."
Every day, he and his fellow Marines thought they were going to die, Julie Freire said, but he counseled his buddies not to be afraid, telling them: "You shouldn't fear death, because what we're living right now is hell. What better place to be than in paradise?"
When he came home at Thanksgiving in 2009, the combat clearly had taken its toll. He suffered flashbacks and blackouts. When he picked up his car, he kept making sudden stops on the drive home as if scouting for bombs.
When the family went out to dinner with his girlfriend's family, he repeatedly stepped outside, gripped by anxiety attacks. He told his sister: "Julie, I can't go in there. There's too much noise. They're starting to ask me questions. I just can't handle it. I feel like I'm going to go crazy."
When the family lit fireworks to celebrate the New Year, he locked himself in his room and put pillows over his head to muffle the noise.
"Nothing made him happy," his sister said. "He just wanted to be alone."
Back at Camp Lejeune, N.C., he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
There was something else wrong, too. Increasingly, he was troubled by chest pains.
His sister had noticed it over Christmas. When she joked with him, he'd say "Julie, stop making me laugh. My heart hurts."
X-rays at the base clinic revealed a large mass in his chest. He was taken by ambulance to the Portsmouth naval hospital, where a biopsy led doctors to suspect Hodgkin's lymphoma, a type of cancer.
Federico Freire arrived at his brother's bedside five days later after a 12-hour trip from California. It was after visiting hours in the evening, and after 20 minutes he was told he had to leave. He refused.
At that, "a gang of four security guards escorted me out of the hospital in the middle of a snowstorm," he said. "Then my brother had a panic attack. He thought I'd been kidnapped by the Taliban. He unhooked himself from his IVs and wandered the halls looking for me."
The doctors later apologized and let him back in, Freire said.
A port was placed in Ezequiel Freire's chest in preparation for chemotherapy. The plan was to deliver the first round of chemicals in Portsmouth and then transfer him to a medical facility near his home in Florida for the rest of the treatments.
By then, Freire's chest pain had become chronic. He was given a series of high-powered drugs for the pain -- first morphine, then oxycodone and its time-release variant OxyContin, supplemented by Dilaudid. Simultaneously, he was receiving a series of sedatives for anxiety -- first Ativan, then Xanax, and finally Klonopin -- plus Ambien and then Lunesta for insomnia.
"He had so many doctors, and every one had a different opinion about his treatment," Federico Freire said. "Every day, it became more frustrating."
As many as 20 doctors were involved in his care over the three weeks he was in the hospital, according to his medical records.
Around midday on Feb. 12, the doctors switched his pain medication again -- this time to fentanyl, a narcotic 100 times more potent than morphine, delivered directly to the bloodstream via a patch placed on the skin.
On the theory that the fentanyl would not take effect for 36 hours, Freire was also given his scheduled doses of oxycodone and OxyContin that evening.
Family members say they expressed concern to Freire's caregivers about the number and levels of drugs.
"My sister and I spent two hours with the nurses, telling them, 'You guys are giving him a cocktail of death,' " Julie Freire said. "And the nurses agreed. They said, 'You're right. One Advil will put him over.' He had so much buildup in his system. That fentanyl patch is what did it.
"His last text message was to his best friend. It said: 'Hey, dude, I just took a bunch of pills. I'm about to pass.' It was like he could feel that his time was coming."
Around 4 a.m. on Feb. 13, a nurse found Freire unresponsive and was unable to revive him. He died in his brother's arms.
The cancer was not the culprit. In fact, Freire stood a good chance of recovery. The five-year survival rate for Hodgkin's lymphoma is close to 90 percent.
In a meeting with the family soon afterward, one of his doctors acknowledged that an overdose was to blame, Federico Freire said.
Later, the autopsy report confirmed it: The cause of death was "multidrug toxicity."
Freire had a level of fentanyl in his blood and urine "within reported toxic ranges," according to the report. In addition, 10 other drugs were found in various levels.
The powerful combination of drugs caused him to stop breathing, the report concluded.
Capt. Darin Via, deputy commander of the naval hospital, said the staff was "very saddened" by Freire's death. He said the case prompted an ongoing quality assurance review whose goal is "to identify areas where we can improve health care delivery to all patients."
Already, he said, the hospital has taken steps to "ensure that all of our providers and patients are aware of the risks associated with the use of fentanyl patches."
There was a separate investigation by the Naval Criminal Investigative Service; its findings have not yet been made public.
The available warnings about multidrug therapy such as was used in the Freire case are explicit.
For example, the website of Johnson & Johnson, manufacturer of the fentanyl patch sold under the trade name Duragesic, warns that the simultaneous use of the patch with other central nervous system depressants, including sedatives and other opioids -- a medical term for narcotics such as oxycodone -- may cause respiratory depression and a coma.
"When such combined therapy is contemplated, the dose of one or both agents should be significantly reduced," the warning states. "Overestimating the Duragesic dose when converting patients from another opioid medication can result in fatal overdose with the first dose."
John Horn, a professor of pharmacy at the University of Washington and an authority on drug interactions, called the dose of fentanyl prescribed for Freire -- 75 micrograms -- "a fairly robust dose."
"The first thing that would occur to me is, is that too much?" Horn said. "Is that too big a patch?"
Even if it was, Horn suggested, Freire's death might have been avoided with better monitoring.
"Typically, people don't go from normal respiration rates to dead," he said. "They have slower and slower respiration rates until they get down to a rate that's not compatible with life. If you catch it early, it's pretty easy to reverse it. But all of that requires monitoring.
"Something like this is not supposed to happen in a hospital. It does, of course. It can happen anywhere. But it's much more common at home, where nobody's monitoring the patient."
Horn said an increase in narcotic-induced deaths over the past few years has prompted heightened scrutiny of hospital procedures by accrediting agencies.
Freire's relatives have consulted lawyers but have been told that even in a case of demonstrable malpractice, a lawsuit would be hopeless because of the Feres Doctrine, a legal precedent based on the ancient common-law principle of sovereign immunity -- the idea that the government can do no wrong.
The precedent bars lawsuits over injuries "incident to military service."
Critics say the doctrine has created a culture of impunity in military medicine, resulting in substandard care.
Attempts to repeal it have surfaced periodically in Congress for more than 20 years, but all have failed.
"There's no accountability," Ezequiel Freire's sister Julie said. "For him, the most dangerous place was the hospital."
© Copyright 2011 Virginian-Pilot. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
BoBo/Daddy


Most anyone that knows our family, knows that "BoBo" is one of the most important people in Chad's life. BoBo for those that don't know is my daddy. He was more of a father to Chad all his life until the last 5 years when Tebo came into the picture and allowed daddy to just be a BoBo and enjoy the BoBo role 100% versus splitting between BoBo and father. Every time I would speak to Chad or he would write me he would always (without fail) tell me to make sure BoBo was okay and ask how he was, really. The biggest reason Chad chose the Marine Corps was because BoBo was/is a Marine and he said if he was going to do this thing he might as well be a bad ass (sorry) and be the toughest of the toughest. I couldn't have agreed more. Regardless why he joined this branch or any other branch, we were all so very proud (still am) of what he accomplished. His biggest goal was to be the same rank BoBo was when he got out and he achieved that goal within 2 weeks of being at his final destination in Afghanistan and that was picking up Corporal and NCO. That was the first thing he told me was that he was final the same rank as BoBo. What better compliment to a man than to have your grandchild or anyone for that matter want so badly to be just like you. I'm so proud not only of Chad, but of my daddy who apparently lived the life that my only son wanted to mirror. Thank you daddy for that. I hope and pray that I have that affect on someone one day. What a legacy. It is so hard for all of us to make sense of all this, but one thing makes perfect sense to me (at this moment anyway), my baby boy loved his BoBo so much and with all his heart that he would have done anything to make sure he was ok and he was proud to walk in his footsteps. It is my prayer that my daddy doesn't spend one second of his life ever regretting being a Marine or Chad walking in his footsteps, because I wouldn't have had it any other way. We have been blessed in our life to have two sets of parents to be so proud of and to have a huge family that I would have been proud for him to have mirrored his life after, but trust me when I say that I can think of no better man for my son to follow footsteps of than my daddy. I love you daddy and I am so proud of you and I'm proud of the example you were to my baby boy. I will forever be grateful for that and I know how proud Chad was to be just like you. There is a country song that (of course) I can't remember the name of or who sings it, but it talks about a son following his "father's" footsteps and joining the military and how proud he was. Every time I hear that song I replace "father" with "Grandfather/BoBo" and I know that song was written about you and Chad. I'm so very proud and honored for that and I want you to be as well. All my love, your daughter.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Good-Bye Face Book
For now, at least, my plan is to delete my Face Book account. I can't really explain in full right now, but I need to take time for my heart to begin the healing process and for whatever reason I feel unable to do that and continue to keep up on Face Book. I'm not saying that at some point I won't return, but for now those close to me will continue reading/following my blog (and I will do my best to continue updating this) or via email. Thank you all for the support and encouragement you've shown us during this difficult time and who knows, I may return to Face Book down the road. All my love, Tami
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sadness
I feel so sad. I feel more sad than I thought would be humanly possible and wonder at times if this will ever get better. I know in my head that it will and I know others (my sister for one) that has gone through the loss of a child and she got better and continues to get better each day, but right now I feel so terrible helpless in controlling my sadness that I actually feel guilty at times for feeling so sad, but I don't know how to feel any other way right now. As odd as this is going to sound I don't feel like a mom anymore. I know everyone says I will always be his mom, but I can't check on him, call him when I need to just hear his voice, or text him during our football games. None of that anymore and it breaks my heart. I know I can talk to him whenever I want, but it's not the same. I have lots of bonus kids, but that's not the same either. It doesn't mean I don't love them all, because I do, but they have a mom. I never could nor would I want to take their real mom's place so it will never be the same. I know I have profoundly been changed forever and I want so badly to have that spark for life back and maybe one day I will get some of it back, but right now it's really not there and I don't want to be in the hussle and bussle of the world carrying on like normal right now. I would rather be at home where it's quiet and just be in my controlled world for a while. I've really had a hard time dealing with the fact that when you give birth to a baby you get anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks paid time off. When you have surgery you can get up to 6 to 8 weeks paid time off, but when you lose your child at any age, but imagine 22 years of being mom to this precious little boy (ok a man, but to me always a little boy) you get 3 days paid time off and anything more you have to use vacation or take unpaid leave. Really? I'm struggling with not being bitter and frakly pissed off about this, but since it's out of my control to change I have to figure a way to deal with it so any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm not accustomed to feeling this kind of bitterness and sadness. That's just not like me at all. I am truly struggling with how to process these feelings and I really don't think speaking to a therapist would be the right avenue for me. I tend to work through my feelings better on my own and through cleaning so I guess that's what I will do, but it sure it hard today. I hope today is just a bad day and tomorrow is better. Thank the Lord I have my wonderful Tebo and family and friends to help me. I don't know where I would be without them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)