WIP

I'm pretty sure for a long time to come my heart will be WIP (work in progress). Don't get me wrong, I'm not just continuously sad 24/7, but there is a sad place in my heart constantly. I have better moments in the day than others, but for the most part it is still just sad. That's the best way to describe how my heart feels. Tebo commented that I am slower (walking that is) and he is correct. I feel like I am in slow motion at times and still in a fog. I'm not sure when this fog will lift, but I feel like I am constantly aware of this state I'm limbo in and some days it drives me crazy. I'm very fortunate that I do have Tebo in my life to help me navigate these waters and I'm so thankful that he has the patience he does with me. I'm not sure anyone else could walk through this with me besides him.
I'm not going to say I don't have moments here and there when I feel I can laugh and not feel guilty or finally fall asleep without crying, but those are very few and far between. I was missing him already, but knowing I could either get a phone call and hear his voice or get a call from Katie letting me know she talked to him and he was ok or that I would see him at the end of May first of June was enough to get me through. Now, knowing none of that is ever going to happen again or at all just keeps me in this state of sadness and a pain I've never experienced even though I thought I had experienced with Jessica. When it was Jessica I thought I had died in side and I know a part of me did, but I honestly could have never been able to truly understand the true meaning of that and what Paige was going through until I had to experience it first hand. I can tell you now that there truly is no other pain like losing a child. I have no doubt that losing my precious husband (especially as long as we've been together, shared, and as close as we have become) that I would hurt, but even with that I cannot imagine it ever being as heartbreaking as this is. I truly feel some days that I may actual die of a broken heart. I know, for me, I always thought that was just a figure of speach, but I truly believe it could be possible. I will continue my "Heart WIP" as long as the Lord plans to keep me on this earth, but I can say that right now, today, it sure doesn't feel like I will actually accomplish it. I love you Chadman and I miss you so much! Love, your momma bear.