Monday, January 24, 2011
Blue
I love the color blue, but I sure don't like feeling blue. All day today I've felt so blue. I've not really cried (yet), but I feel like I'm on the edge of tears all day. I can't really explain it other than I miss my baby boy so badly that if I could just somehow jump into heaven I would do it right now. I can't explain my heart. Like several people who have lost a child have told me, there is no other pain like this. I believe it. There are times during the day that I feel like for a second I can't breath. I'm scared to take a step forward and I'm scared to stay in one spot. I don't want to sleep, because if I ever happen to wake from a deep sleep my mind goes to places I don't want to be and I can't rest and then I'm overcome with sadness again. At times I will be hungry and ready to eat and the food touches my lips and I feel like I'm going to be sick and I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there. I don't, of course, but that's what I want to do. I hate mornings! That use to be my favorite time of every day and when I was the most productive, but now I just want to stay asleep (if I'm lucky enough to have finally fallen asleep and stayed asleep) and not get up to face the day. I especially hate the thought of going into the office. It's not the people themselves, it's me. The people are amazing, but I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. I know this will most likely pass and get somewhat better for me, but until that time I don't know how to function like this. I want to go to CA to go through Chad's stuff and potentially get some things that I would like to keep and then another part of me is terrified to do that, because it's like it is truly final. I want to feel happy, but if I laugh I feel guilty, if I complain I feel guilty, if I feel sad I feel guilty so how does a person sort all this out? I just hate this. I wish I could wake up from what feels like a horrible nightmare. I just really need a do over and have my son back with me. I'm not sure I have what it takes to do this. I really don't. I have always considered myself a strong person, but I may have over estimated myself.
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I love you as big as the sky. Just sayin.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're feeling is normal Tami. It sucks. It hurts. The guilt can be overwhelming and irrational yet it's real and it's there. It will pass eventually. I promise. Every day will get a little easier and you won't even realize it. It's been less than two months. You're nowhere near the end of this ordeal. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly but I know what I'm talking about. What you need to know is that everything you're feeling is normal and expected. And everything you're feeling will eventually ease up to a bearable level. Of course, you'll feel guilty about that too. That's the goofy part of all of this. You hate feeling the way you do but when you start feeling better you feel guilty for feeling better. As I said - it sucks.
ReplyDeleteHere any time for you sweetie. I know you know that and I know you'll call when you're ready. We'll talk one day. in the meantime - my heart and prayers are with you. We both love you very much.
LT