Well, I'm still trying to find my "new normal" or whatever life without my only child will be, but I am trying to heal each day in my own way. Therapy for everyone is very different and for whatever reason mine tends to be cleaning and organizing. I've found some comfort in doing that throughout the house, but oddly enough I also find a little healing in just sitting and letting my mind basically think of nothing. Then suddenly while I'm sitting there I see my baby boy's face and start remembering different things. I will either think of something funny he did or his laugh, smile, messed up little knuckle from a fight where he was defending a girl. I will think of what he did or didn't do that would make me smile and then the tears start again. I know I will forever miss him and I hope I will be okay one day, but right now it sure doesn't feel like it. I know I am fortunate to have bonus kids all over, but the truth is they have moms. Their moms have their kids. Some days I don't feel like a mom anymore. I know, I will always be Chad's mom, but I will never get to "mother" him again. I won't be able to get that phone call where he just needs to bounce things off me or get some advice or tell me something that just happened or to find out the score of the TN game. I won't be able to wash and iron his clothes anymore when he comes to visit or make sure his sheets smell like Downy (the original scent) ever again. That breaks my heart. I miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. That is never going to change. I hope my heart heals some and I'm able to enjoy life again, but right now I hurt too much to want life to be enjoyable again. I have an amazing husband who is doing everything possible to help me through this. My family is being so wonderfully supportive and trying hard to do whatever they can to help. My bonus kids are doing all they can to help, but honestly, I just want to cry. I don't want to be made to feel better right now and I don't want to speak with a counselor right now. I just want my baby boy back and that isn't going to happen and I know this. All I ever knew how to really do was be Chad's mom. How do you go from being Chad's mom to nothing. Yes, I'm still a wife, daughter, sister, aunt, bonus mom, cousin, and friend, but I want to be his mom (real mom) and I'm not. I hate this. I hate it more than I ever thought possible to hate something. I know, it is suppose and most likely will get a little easier or hurt less, but today, that's not the case.
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ReplyDeleteI want to say that we love you so very much! I'm at a loss for words and I hate that. I've always been a great listener but never much in the "right" word department even when words spoken could help. I wish we lived closer so that we could just hold you. You could cry on our shoulders for as long as you need to. We think about you constantly, we talk about you constantly, and we love you more than you'll ever know. We pray everyday that God will give you the strength that you need. The strength that you are use to. You are so beautiful inside and out and we hate to see you so sad and hurting. I wish we could take this pain away from you. I promise you that we would if we could. We love you so much!
ReplyDeleteHey sis. I know how you feel. I felt the same way and it took me quite a while to realize that no matter where Christopher is, I am still his dad and he is still my son. Nothing can change that fact, even death. I can't hug him. I can't mess up his hair or hear his voice in my ear, but he's still a part of me and I'm still a part of him. And I can hear his voice in my head and feel his love in my heart. I hope one day you can reach this same place. I know you don't feel like it now but I think you'll get there. Regardless of the circumstances, you can still love Chad with all your heart and know he loves you back. Love you dear Tami. Here for you whenever. LT
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