WooHoo!!! Seth!

I heard from one of my boys today! Seth is in a safe zone and will be back in CA in no time. He sounds amazing! He got to eat cookies and cream today and loved it. I'm so excited to finally hear his voice again and know he is safe that all I want to do is cry (happy tears of course). Now I just need my other boys to get to the safe zone and then back to CA and I will be able to relax a little (okay, maybe not your kind of relaxing, but for me). Welcome almost home Seth! I can't wait to get my hug!

The Band Perry - If I Die Young (Thank you Jorden)

My precious little niece wanted me to listen to this song. I have heard the song before, but she gave me a new perspective when I listened to it. If you have ever just listened to the lyrics of this song and picked up on the "rainbow" statement you will have a new outlook of rainbows just as she did. I know I do now for sure. You know, the words "the sharp knife of a short life" are exactly right. We are never ready to say good-bye to anyone we love, but it does feel like a sharp knife when it's a young person you love so much. Thank you Jorden, this was perfect. I love you so much and I appreciate this song in a whole new way thanks to you. Love, Ammy

What a difference 2 weeks makes

Our Chad tree has changed so much in two weeks. I guess it's like our babies... They always change so quick that if you aren't with them 24/7 they change way too much! I was a little worried last night with our weather and was scared we were going to loose our Chad tree, but once again, we were protected... I can't wait to see it get even bigger and fuller. I will soon be adding a yellow ribbon to our tree to support our troops! I can't wait. I will take another picture then. Have I mentioned that I love our "Chad" tree!

Easter 2011

As I think about Easter tomorrow I have very mixed feelings. At first I was truly dreading it and maybe in the morning I will feel that way again, but for today it seems better than I was thinking it would yesterday. We've had horrible storms and last night was one for the books. We had a tornado wall cloud (very large) go right over our house, but didn't touch down or do any damage at all. The rain has been crazy and so has the wind. I told Tebo last night that I wanted to go to the cemetery this morning and make sure the flowers I put out for Chad were still there and doing okay if the weather would permit. Well, of course, I'm awakened around 5:00 this morning to more rain and wind and it sounded like it was going to be another bad storm and of course I thought I heard the tornado sirens again so I pop out of bed and come to check it out (like I was really going to take on mother nature). The hail started (only pea size this time) and the wind really picked up. No siren was sounding, but our Chad tree was really blowing over hard. At one point it looked as if the top of the tree would touch the driveway, but it never did. My BFFSS across the street text me and said breath it will be okay, your tree is going to fight hard and stand strong. She was right. I finally took all I could by myself so I went to the bedroom and tapped on Tebo's arm with my finger until he woke up :) and I started telling him about the weather. He knew right away I wasn't going to stop or relax until he got up, so he did. Any who... (back to my story) I started cleaning and reorganizing baskets in closets and little things like that and I noticed the rain had really slacked off. I asked Tebo if he thought I had enough time to get to Fayetteville and check out the flowers before it started up again. He thought it would be okay so I jumped in my truck and took off. I didn't even get to I-540 yet when here came the rain. I was tempted at first to turn around, but I really had to check on those flowers and it was Easter. I wanted to visit my baby boy's resting place before Easter came and went so I kept on trucking. It rained all the way to Fayetteville and at times really hard. I thought, oh well, it's not like I have to worry about how I look and I had my rain boots in the truck with me so I really didn't care. I turned onto Government street when all of a sudden the rain stopped. I pulled down and parked in my usual spot and not one drop fell the entire time I was there. I noticed that some flowers were blown around and I thought to myself, I sure hope I find all Chad's so I can put them back. Well, let me tell you, it was as if Chad had laid his cover (aka his hat) over his headstone and flowers because not even his TN orange ribbon/bow was moved. Everything, including the flags, were just as I had placed them earlier in the week. I had to laugh out loud for a moment. As I picked up some flowers belonging to others and returning them to the places I knew they belonged I still just felt amazed and still not one drop of rain had fallen. I made my way back to the truck and just as I was getting back on I-540 the rain started again and it rained all the way home. Things that make you go hmmmm... It was at that moment that I remembered his first Easter in 1989. He would have been a year old soon after and I was so excited to watch him hunt Easter eggs with all the other kids in the family, but apparently the hunt took place just as he was ready for his nap. There was nothing going to get in the way of his nap time, not even Easter, so he missed the big hunt with all the other kids. Of course, it just so happened that the hunt took place when it was BoBo's nap time too so they just napped together while all the festivities took place outside at grandmother's house. I will say that although he missed the hunt with all the other kids, I have truly loved looking back at this picture many times. Once he got up from his nap I hid some eggs for him and he hunted them on his own and he was a happy camper. He didn't really care as long as he got to hunt a few. We did make BoBo stay with him since he too napped during the first hunt. Ha! Anyway, as much as I hate this first Easter in 22 1/2 years without my baby boy, I am so blessed to have so many wonderful memories and 22 Easters to remember and every one of them brings a smile to my face and my heart.

Bonus vs. Step

Most of you know that as Tebo, Trevor, and I were coming back home from our cruise the first year Trevor lived with us we started calling our kids "bonus kids". This is how that came to be (not that I wouldn't love to take the credit, but that would be wrong). We were going through customs and the security lady helping us out asked Trevor if I was his mom. He said no, it's my step-mom. That lady said, don't you mean "bonus mom"? Isn't that a much nicer way of saying it? Trevor said, yeah, I guess so. Of course I jumped on that and knew right away we would adopt that term. Each time he would forget we would remind him. Not step, bonus. :) It took a little while, but he finally got it and now we use it for any extra "bonus" person/child in our lives. This applies to our (what use to be called in-laws) and our military boys. If you stop and think about it, it really is a bonus to have these new lives in your world. We sadly get divorced and blend families and we refer to them as "step" this and "step" that. No wonder we have so many blended families struggling to get along and make it. We start our lives together on a negative note. I encourage anyone and everyone to adopt this new term "BONUS". You will find that not only does it sound better, but I think it makes everyone feel better. "Step" is just a negative kind of ugly word when referring to family members. I challenge each of you reading this to start using "bonus" rather than "step" and see if you don't first feel better and then see if you don't get a better more positive response from people. I bet you do... I double dog dare you to give it a try.

Francesca Battistelli - Angel By Your Side

Well, you can blame my sister, Stacy, for this added post today. Thank you sis. I did need this song today. It was perfect. Love you!

Today...

Today has been a sad day so far. I don't really know what triggered it, but it is. I am missing my boy big time, my bestie is having surgery and I guess it's just all just weighing heavy today. My BFFSS (BFF Sister Stealer) didn't know this today, but she sent me a little video of my girl, Myka, and it was just the perfect timing. I wanted to upload it on here, but being computer challenged at times I can't figure out how to load it, but it's Myka saying "Good morning Tami, I love you". It really made my heart smile. :) The picture I was able to add is her doing my favorite thing, cleaning! I think she may have spent too much time with her "Ammy"... LOL!

It's funny how when you need that little pick me up, there it is. It's even more special when that pick me up comes from someone that wasn't even aware you were having a sad day. Thank you my BFFSS.... :) Your the best! I hope we can have our PJ girl time this evening.

Thank you Katie & Chad!

So this may sound crazy, but there were two things that I felt I needed of Chad's almost immediately after he passed away. It was his TN t-shirt and his Titleist ball cap (we called it his tittless hat). I don't know what it was about these two items that I felt I needed to have close to me, but I did. I'm sure it would have nothing to do with the fact that my child wore these two things all the time. Katie was gracious enough to not hesitate to bring those to me and I cannot say thank you enough for this. There are many days that I just pick them both up and smell them and just hold them. It feels like he is right there every time I pick them up. Thank you Katie so much for this precious gift and thank you my Chadman for leaving me with so many memories with these items (especially your school picture in 11th grade with this t-shirt on). Yes people, he wore this t-shirt for his school picture and when I first saw it I was like, really son? You couldn't have found a better t-shirt? But when I pulled the picture out of the envelope and saw it was his TN shirt and he favored Peyton Manning so much I instantly forgave him.

Chad Tree!

We got a very special gift this week. Mark Rockwell (of Rockwell Nursery in Bentonville, AR) gave us a tree in memory of Chad. We like to call it our Chad tree. We are so excited! It is a Maple and I believe the name is October Fire. It is suppose to turn really red just before Fall. I can't wait. When we met Mark at the nursery we asked him to give us his expert opinion on which tree to get and he picked this one out. His description of the tree gave us confirmation that this WAS our Chad tree. He described this tree as strong, resilient, sturdy, and could withstand any wind or weather. Well, it's obvious once you hear that description that we had to pick that tree. That was our boy. Thank you Mark and Rockwell Nursery for a precious gift that will be here forever. Of course, being a picture freak (as Chad called me several times) that I am, I will be taking lots of pictures of the growth progress and especially when it turns that vibrant RED!

Speaking from the heart

You know, I've really had something on my mind lately (right along side my baby boy) that has caused me lots of sleepless nights so I thought I would write down my thoughts on here and maybe it will help me put it to rest and get some rest myself. If you already know me you know this (so you could skip this part if you like). :) When I love, I really love and I love big and I love forever. I'm a bit (not sure the best word to describe this) overbearing when it comes to my family. What I mean by that is I want to know they are all okay. I want to know when they have arrived safely wherever they might be going (home, work, vacation, etc.). I want to make sure they are happy and if there is something I can do to help them be happier or just fulfilled, then I want to do whatever I can to help them with this. I'm not one that can turn my back on someone no matter what. I am a very forgiving person and I really do try each and every day to live my life in a way that when I do lay my head down at night I have no regrets about how I treated someone or acted that day. I don't always achieve this, but I do strive to do so each day. When someone says good-bye, it hurts. I know some times in life it is necessary to bid good-bye, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I'm adjusting and I'm continuing each day to just be okay with decisions like that, but I have to say that I am slow at accepting them. Change is never easy for anyone really, but it tends to be especially hard for me at times. I guess this is one of those times. I guess sometimes it's the good-byes that help us with the next hello. I don't know, but that seems a much more positive way to view the situation and I would much rather see the positive side of things than the negative. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself into be okay with things, I'm not really sure. I just know that a hole in my heart got a little bigger and I was really hoping for the opposite to happen. Hmmmm... could this be yet another learning experience for me? Another way to teach me to be patient and have faith (true faith)? Makes me wonder. I know I can't dwell on the negative things or things that really don't make a lot of sense to me so I'm working on not doing that, but I have to say, some days it's easier to do that than others. There is one thing that does come to mind when I get to that place where I find myself trying to figure it all out that the bible does teach us that we are not to be a stumbling block for others. Could it be that I was a stumbling block? Hmmmm... that certainly could make sense and also put another positive spin on the situation at hand and if that is the case I'm glad for this outcome. Thank you self for making me see things from a different perspective. I've been dwelling too long now on what I may have done differently, better, less, etc. to have maybe gotten a different outcome, but maybe this is the results that needed to happen to help someone else out. Okay, I can potentially live with that. We may not always like or understand how things end up in life, but one thing is for sure, we can't control it. We can only control how we react/respond to it. I would like to think I do a decent job of responding rather than reacting to uncomfortable things. I'm not great at it, but I do work hard each and every day to do better about pausing and responding rather than knee jerk reacting. I am still very much a work in progress in this area, but I continue to try and that's really all any of us can do. Sorry for the "babbling" today, but I really needed to get my thoughts out of my head. Ahhhhh... I think I might feel a little better already. :) I still don't completely understand it all, but I am feeling a bit better.

Another thank you from a dear friend...

I am still trying to catch up to all my thank you's. I have a dear friend in NC that I've known now since Chad was about 4 or 5 years old. Her name is Darci and she had a daughter, Brandi, that was about 2 or 3 years old when we met. We've watched our babies grow up. We have remained close even though she is still in NC and I'm here in AR. She is married to a precious man (don't tell him I said that or his head will get huge) and she has two sweet boys, Hunter and Cason, that light up her world much like my Chadman always did mine. They drove all the way to AR for the funeral and check on me almost every day even when they have so much going on in their own lives. They sent me this build a bear and it is perfect. When you take one of his little boots off it has a gold cross on his little paw. When you squeeze it you can feel his little heartbeat. Any time I need to feel that I just go to the bedroom and hold him tight and give him a little squeeze and, well, if you are a mom there is no reason to explain anymore. Thank you Darci, Kenny, Hunter, Cason, & Brandi. I love that we are like family (heck we are family). I love you all so much and can't thank you enough for all you've done and especially for my Chad bear.

Walking for a Cure - Susan G Komen

Many of you know that my "Bestie", Traci Davis, is fighting stage 3 breast cancer. She is only 34 years old with two young boys and a husband that are fighting right along side her as well as lots of family and friends. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1996 and had her surgery and some treatment and she is now cancer free and doing very well. My precious bonus sister (Debbie) is a 19 year survivor of breast cancer too! It's my goal and prayer that one day we have a cure for this horrible disease. Let me share a little something about my "Bestie" that if you know her will be no surprise. She is the most positive and loving person I've known. She is beautiful on the inside as well as outside. She has kept a very strong faith through this journey. She has already had 8 weeks of chemo and will have her big surgery (double mastectomy) this Wednesday (April 13th) so please be praying not only for her, but for her husband, Brian and her family. She is so strong and I have no doubt that she will kick this cancer in the butt, but it's not be easy and I know it will most likely get harder before it gets better for her, but if anyone can do this she can. She continues to lift myself and other people up when it should really just be all about her, but that's how she rolls. :) I've joined our "Team Traci" for a 5K walk that will take place on April 30th so if you could make a donation for this cause I will greatly appreciate it. I know we have so much we support, but this is such an important cause that effects so many and I'm pretty sure there are very few reading this that haven't been impacted by this dreaded disease in some way or another. Let's do what we can to beat this thing together. I will walk if you can donate (no matter how big or small). If you click on the link below you can donate online and it is tax deductible.

http://ozark.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/FYV_OzarkAffiliate?pg=team&fr_id=2150&team_id=165111

You should be able to click on this link and find my name under "Team Traci" about midway through the paragraph.

Thank you in advance for anything you can do to help us out. Much love, Tami

Mumford and Sons - Timshel

One of my precious bonus daughters (happens to be the husband of a bonus son still in Afghanistan) sent this song to me and said when she hears it she thinks of me. It is so beautiful and while it made me cry they were happy tears, Linds. I can hear everyone of you singing this to me just from all your support, love, and encouragement throughout this entire journey and I love you for it. All my love, your bonus mom!

Project Update! 3

Oh my! We are getting so close. I met with Russell yesterday and it was a fabulous meeting. We just have a few more "To Dos" to get done and we will be off and running. We are thinking big here people! We need to make sure no one military member misses out on seeing their families before or after deployment. It is mine and Tebo's dream/vision that this goes global and every US Armed Forces gets to love on their loved ones and they love on them on pre and post deployments. I've said it many times and will continue saying it as long as I have to... I cannot imagine not having had those 9 precious and wonderful days with my baby boy before he left for Afghanistan. Now, the biggest thing on my heart right now is making sure everyone of my bonus boys from Chad's unit/company gets the chance to go home after deployment. If you can only imagine how much these boys need this right now. If you can't, just think on this for one moment. I don't know if you read the Wall Street Journal article about what these young men went through when Chad was KIA. I chose not to read it at this time, but if you did, then you will have to know that the band of brothers is an amazing thing all in itself, but I don't believe their "true" healing will begin until they are home with their families and loved ones and can wrap their arms around them. That's when the truly healing and grieving for these young men will begin. Can you just imagine one or many of them not being able to go home because they can't afford it? That breaks my heart! I don't know about you, but just imagine how lonely and sad they would be on top of all they've just been through if they couldn't go home. It makes me want to cry right now, but if we all band together much like this band of brothers do everyday and put a little hard work and money of course together what a difference we can make in their lives? Many people are unaware that they have to pay for these tickets out of pocket and I do think there is a false idea that our military make all this money. Let me tell you (from the Marine Corps perspective at least) that they really do not make that much money. Yes they have to pay for their rent, utilities, etc. so they are not living for free. They have to pay for much of their uniforms and accessories that are required. Yes, some of this is tax deductible, but really? Do you think it truly helps them in the here and now? Not so much. We have been so blessed (mainly directly contributed by my precious husband) to be able to help Chad get home, but these other guys don't all have that kind of support and privilege. They are also too proud. How do I know this? Well, there was one of Chad's buddies that didn't think he was going to get to go home before deploying to Iraq so we offered to pay for his ticket. He wouldn't accept that offer, because he was too proud to take a hand out. This will be a way to have an avenue for these young men and women to accept some help without feeling like they are taking a hand out and trust me, there won't be one military personnel that would take advantage of this service and not give back! That's what these guys are made of. They might take the opportunity to receive some help, but they will give back 3 fold! This is paying it forward folks. We need to do this especially in the wake of a potential government shut down. Can you imagine our men and women fighting in this deadly war and finding out that their paychecks my not come? Really? That's what we want them worrying about while they are fighting while we sleep in our nice comfy beds, take vacations, eat a nice meal every day, and go to work freely? I don't know about you, but this keeps me up at night and the thoughts of anyone in the military in the midst of combat/war not getting paid makes Tebo and I want to go to Washington and fire everyone up there if they truly do shut down. They do NOT want me coming over there! It will not be pretty. Spread the word and help us with this! Help our fine men and women of this country get home! Also, if you are truly interested in having a role in this project let me know. There just might be a place on a committee that you could fill and we will be happy to have you. Thank you and much love to all and above all else, pray for our troops for their safe return and that they never miss a paycheck. Hoorah!

And then they surprise you...

If you are a parent then you know that every time you think you have your kids figured out or you think they don't care or aren't listening to you they do something that just totally surprises you. My BFF Sis' daughter, Jorden, sent this to her today and just made her day. She is a freshman in college and sometimes when our babies take that next step in their almost adult life we tend to think they just forget about us or don't care. If you have kids that age or had kids that age, you know what I'm talking about. It is so funny (not that this is the case with Paige and Jorden right now), but usually when you are the most frustrated with your kids or really think oh my, I just don't know what to do with this stage they pull something amazing like this. Listen up all you parents with kids that have either just graduated high school, getting ready to graduate, or is in college... It will get better and there will come a day that you will wish you had these days back (yes, even the rough ones). You will wish for them to be back when they are grown and have families of their own or heaven forbid they pass away. You will want them all back. That's just human nature. Enjoy, love, use tough love when you need too, but always relish in some of these precious gifts that come along when you least expect them. I don't think Jorden reads my blog (I'm sure it is so 10 minutes ago for college girls), but if by chance you have stopped by, you are a good girl and you did a really sweet thing for your momma today. Love you big, "Ammy"

Had I been on DWTS last night....

Had I been on Dancing with the Stars last night I know the song I would have chosen to dance to. It would have been "I Hope You Dance" by Leanne Womack! From the very moment that song came out I told Chad and anyone else who would listen that I wanted that song played at my funeral for him and all my bonus kids, nieces, and nephews, because that was my message to them. I always just wanted nothing but happiness and joy for my boy. So what does my precious little man do for me? He played that song for our mother/son dance at his wedding reception. It was the most amazing dance to date.

I got to see him accomplish so much in his short little lifetime. I wish I had more opportunities to look forward to, but now I have a fabulous reunion to look forward to. Until then I really think it's only fitting that I live what I preached to him and learn to "Dance" for him. You know, I got to witness my son graduate high school (there are many who don't get that chance), I got to see him finally buy his first "big" truck, I got to see him fall in love and marry his first love and I got to be a big part of all that (most mom's of sons don't get that honor, but I did). I got to laugh and sing to the top of our lungs in the car and watch him mimic Bob Segar in the car playing his air guitar (fabulous!) I got to watch a very talented boy play some amazing baseball and we just had a ball. I watched him turn into an amazing Marine and find a bond with other Marines that will never be broken. I may have a very sad heart, but I also have the most joy a heart should be allowed to have just for having had him as my son.

If Heaven Wasn't so Far Away-Nick Garrison

Baby Noahh Stafford Honeyman!

I got to meet Chad and Katie's god-son yesterday and his daddy for the first time face to face. It was amazing. Oh how Chad would have loved that little boy. He has the prettiest blue eyes and when he smiles big his little face almost disappears. He (Noahh) told me he LOVED all his TN stuff we got him and TX outfits and he also whispered to me that he would be a TN fan despite his mommy being a FL Gator fan. :) I did promise her I wouldn't turn him into a Gator Hater, but it would be hard. LOL!

They truly are just precious parents and you can tell they are so in love with that little man. I plan to do all I can to make sure what Katie doesn't tell him about his uncle Chad that his "Ammy" will tell him. I shared lots of pictures with him to take home of uncle Chad and made sure he knew how much Chad loved TN. :) Okay, that might have been more for Emily than Noahh, but like I said, he whispered to me that he loved it so I take that as he is our future TN Vols fan. :) Hey, an "Ammy" can dream you know.

They stayed several hours and had dinner with us and then we took lots of pictures (thank you BFF Sister stealer across the street HA!) and just loved on him and shared all sorts of stories. I can't wait to see him again and just hope to goodness it's not too long before that time comes. Trust me, he will receive lots and lots of love (and TN stuff) through the mail and I can't wait. He will always know that 2 TN Vols fans and 1 TX Longhorn fan love him very much. Love to you Maxx, Emily, and baby Noahh Stafford. Your bonus G'parents. (aka Ammy & Tebo)

Thank you... BFF Sis

I know most times with family you don't expect or even want a thank you when you are just doing what families do, but I have to say a special thanks for a precious blanket I got. My BFF Sis, Paige, made this TN blanket for me with the sweetest pictures of my baby boy. Obviously eveyone knows that Chad and I are huge TN Vols fans so having a TN blanket with my baby's face all over it, well, who could ask for much more than that. She has always been really good with gifts and has the best most unique ideas (which at times ticks me off), but this time she really did good. Thank you seester... Also, she has given me words of wisdom and just comfort. Unfortunately she has been where I am today and while we were already close this is not exactly the bond I would have wanted for either one of us, but God had his own plan. Thank you sis for my blanket and everything else. Love you big as the sky.

Another Thank you... from a stranger

So here again is another thank you and this time to a total stranger. One day the Captain and 1st SGT came to the house and handed us a beautiful pencil sketch of Chad. It was from a Gold Star Dad who had lost his son in Iraq. He didn't know us or Chad, but as a service he does pencil sketches of fallen soldiers for Gold Star parents. Words can never express what it felt like when I saw this sketch and realized what a gift this wonderful man has. He truly captured Chad perfectly. He did this sketch off a photo the Marine Corps took of Chad and he incorporated his Corpal bars to make it as updated as he could. We have offered to send him money for supplies and IF he responds I will make sure I pay it forward for the next Gold Star parent that is unfortunate enough to join our group. Just take a look at this sketch and if you knew Chad personally you will see just what an amazing job he did. I happen to be on the phone with daddy when I picked it up from being matted and framed and I said "Oh daddy, it looks like he could just raise up and give me a hug and a kiss". It really did. We created this wall in our office at home around this sketch and to just display our family and our love for our family and it just looks like it was suppose to be there. Thank you Gold Star dad for a gift that will be cherished a life time.