Chad - Update 1

Well, Chad's last deployment is currently underway. He has arrived in Afghanistan (specific location classified), but not to his final destination yet. He should arrive there in the next couple of days. He has been traveling to this location now for 5 days now. He is extremely tired and ready to get on a routine. I've not spoken to him personally, but thank goodness he has been able to contact Katie and she has been wonderful about making sure I know what she knows. He will be deployed for 7 to 9 months and once he returns to CA he should only have about 3 to 4 months left on his contract. At this time their plan is for him to get out at the end of his contract and for them to settle down in or near NW Arkansas. That time can't get here fast enough for me. Those who are family and/or have been in our lives since Chad was born it's amazing to see the transformation of this little curly headed baby boy to the fine young Marine he is today. He has made us so proud and continues to amazes us at this dedication and commitment. I guess all that training in boot camp and SOI is truly showing through. Most days when I think of him or see or talk to him I still see that little curly headed boy. I totally get the commercials where the dad is handing car keys to his daughter and she is around 6 or 7 years old when he looks at her and she is really 16 or 17. I so see that with Chad every time I see him. I guess as parents we always will no matter what. Imagine how cute he looks at 6 years old wearing his dress blues. :) I know, right? I really am that ridiculous with him. Regardless where he is or what he is doing, like most parents, he is constantly on my mind. Not always with worry, just never absent from my thoughts. He has done amazing things with his short life and had major milestones. I was reflecting back that he turned 21 years old in Iraq and will turn 23 years old in Afghanistan. That certainly doesn't make for the best birthday, but he is doing a wonderful job and no one can ever take this experience and training away from him. He will be in Afghanistan for at least 7 months and then return to CA where he will then finish out his 3 to 4 months remaining on his contract and then finally home. It's fun to listen to him making plans and talking like such a mature adult. I have to remind myself many times that he isn't that little curly headed boy or the teenager that face planted off stairs while wearing roller skates or the pre-teen that felt a fish (in his defense he thought it was a snake) tickle his leg while fishing with BoBo and ran out of his shoes and left all his fishing gear floating in the water, but rather a young married man who happens to be a Marine. I love you Chadman and you make me proud every day. My prayer for you has always been that I hope you dance. No matter what son, dance when you get the chance. Love, Mom

Somethings the news doesn't tell...

My son, along with many other Marines, have deployed to Afghanistan. There seems to be very little news being reported these days on what these men go through and that is actually really sad. Unless you have a loved one over there I think for many the war is just out of their minds. I receive emailed military news articles all the time and this one really touched my heart. I would love for everyone to reach this article and really pay attention to the words and what it really means for these young men. http://www.military.com/news/article/marines-in-marjah-war-by-the-numbers.html?ESRC=eb.nl. Can you imagine being in your early 20's and going through the riggers of war and only doing laundry twice, not getting baths, sending 5 letters back home and only receiving 2 letters back? I can't and I hope my son and bonus sons receive more letters than they ever send out. I never want these young men to think I have forgotten for one second that they are over there and working so hard. I am on a mission to make sure that all the young men I have addresses for receive a letter on a regular basis from me and it's my hope and prayer that everyone who reads this also does the same thing for any military person out there. Let's not allow one more soldier/Marine send more letters out than he/she receives. Thank you for reading.

Being Married... according to me...

You know, I've done this once or twice and I will say I do believe I've learned a thing or two from past mistakes that has lent to feeling I have finally done it right this time. Tebo and I have both been married before and I have one child and he has three. I was single close to four years before going out with him, but had been alone (completely alone in the marriage) for most of my married life. I felt, since Chad was born, that I was a single mom and that's how we lived our life and that was okay. It wasn't what I would call ideal, but Chad and I made it work. One thing I do believe is that as we get older we do learn to be more patient and appreciative and maybe that also comes from being alone for so long and hopefully reflecting on where I failed in the past, but whatever IT was/is, I do believe it has helped us have a wonderful marriage now. Marriage is definitely compromises. It can be easy to get caught up in the "tit for tat" (keeping score) nonsense that exist in a lot of marriages. There is a lot of give and take and if you ever start focusing on who is doing more taking and giving you will find yourself caught up in the "nonsense" of marriage and before you know it you could be facing the next few years alone or wishing you were. Some times it is just tolerating and respecting the people in our partner's life that either we may not be a huge fan of or they aren't a huge fan of us, but you do it out of love and respect for your spouse. I know Tebo and I both have been put in those types of situations thoughout our relationship that (at times) could really test us, but we both did it with as much grace and respect as we could for the other one. That's just what you do when you love someone. I do believe something that could help everyone is to understand the other's personality. Over the years I have learned more about my personality than I really ever cared to know and we have and are taking a Birkman assessment at work and we are going to compare them between Tebo and I to see how we align at home with our own personalities. I think it will be interesting, but for each of us there should be no surprises. We are both very aware of our quirks and personalities and I think for the most part aware of each others, but what I hope to learn from this exercise is the best way to approach the tougher situations and not provoke my husband or push him in a direction that would give me the opposite solution to what I am looking for. Sometimes it is easier to expect someone else to just respond to us the way we feel on the inside or like we think they should when sometimes it could be our approach with that person that actually provokes a negative response from them. I do believe mine and Tebo's personalities compliment each other very well. We are best friends first. He is the love of my life and I enjoy doing things for him. You know, he is perfectly capable of picking up his clothes, shoes, dishes, etc., but I enjoy doing those kinds of things for him so he doesn't have to (and I'm usually already up messing with something else so why not). He is also capable of doing laundry and other household chores, but I do it and I enjoy it. It is kind of weird actually, there are lots of things that I enjoy doing and just instinctively do for him that would make you think we are living in the 1950's, but I don't see it like that at all. I do our laundry and I make sure I iron all his clothes (pants and shirts) before hanging them up. It isn't because I just love to iron, it's because I know when he pulls his clothes out for work in the morning he likes them to already be nice and pressed. He likes to open his drawers each morning and have enough clean clothes (socks, underwear, etc.) to get him through the week. That makes me feel like I am taking good care of him when he has that and it gives me great joy. He loves to cook. He knows I hate to cook. Even on my two days a week that I am "suppose" to cook, he will usually end up throwing something together or we go out. I know he does that because he knows I don't enjoy it (although I would do it for him) and he likes to do it. I do the cleaning and he does the cooking. Sort of the Ying and the Yang of it all. We don't get caught up in the silly things that can get some couples in a mess. I don't worry if he plays video games or watches TV all day. That is his relaxing time. I go about my business of cleaning or whatever I happen to have on my list that day and I don't give it a second thought. It doesn't upset my apple cart if I am sweeping and mopping and running around the house cleaning while he is watching TV, because I know if I needed his help I could ask for it. I'm doing what I like and what relaxes me and he is doing the same. At night, I don't get upset if he doesn't want to watch Dancing with the Stars and I do. I just go to the bedroom and watch it in there while he watches his 3 shows in the living room. Now he might have an issue with me running into the living room every time I think there is something news worthy happening on the show (the celebrity I dislike is still making it to the next week, etc.), but he never says a word and he pauses his show to hear what I have to say and then I return to the bedroom. That's all I wanted anyway is to tell someone and know they heard me. Right? Right. I do my dead level best to put his needs and desires before my own. That might mean that I visit friends and family without him at times or go places I might not necessarily feel like going to make him happy and show him I love and respect him just as there are many times he goes with me places that he doesn't necessarily want to go just because he knows it makes me happy. He also puts up with a lot from me. I constantly offer to babysit for others and I really am all over the house 24/7 cleaning, reorganizing, arranging, scheduling, etc. and he just goes with the flow. I'm not the easiest person to live with at times. There is no yelling or fighting, but there is lots of cleaning with lots of Pine Sol and I am constantly reorganizing things (not necessarily out of need) making it hard to find things from time to time and I am so ridiculous about being on time (everywhere/anywhere) and I have certain schedules that I do not like to mess up (bedtime being the biggie). So you can see when he has moments when he can play a video game, or veg out in front of the TV that he deserves that "me" time. I'm super okay with that. He is a wonderful shopper. If it were left up to me I would still be wearing the same clothes I wore in high school (and I mean that literally). He will buy me nice clothes (very stylish) and makes sure I look nice when I leave each day. I don't put near the effort into how I look and I'm so thankful he does. There are those that don't always get us or they tend to find things to criticize him or I or both of us about and that is certainly okay, but it would be really nice if folks would take the time to get to know us both and understand what makes us tick (Birkman is a huge help if you ever get the chance to take this) and then some of the little things that get nit-picked might just go away. Marriage is not easy by any stretch and you add children and/or bonus children to the mix and sometimes it can really get stressful, but if you can always remember that marriage is not a competition and it isn't about what you can get out of it, but more about what you can contribute, I believe there would be more happy marriages out there in this world than there are today. It would have been nice if I had learned this early in life and not had to go through the pains of divorce, but maybe this is something I finally learned through maturity and experience and I do know had I learned all this before and had he learned all this before we would have never found each other and I can't imagine my life without this man in it. I love you babe and I'm so thankful for every day that I can make you feel loved and cared for and like the man you really are.

Now I lay me down to sleep...

I've often wondered if everyone thinks like this, but I try to make a conscious effort to live my life each day so when I lay my head on my pillow at night I can rest with no regrets. I have not always been able to do that, but for the most part I can say I have. I will never understand how people in this world can be so rude and disrespectful to others we come in contact with and let alone any family or friends we have. I guess there has been so much in our lives and with our family that have given me reason to feel life is way too short to live in ugliness and I try (although I fail and fail often) to be the best person I can be and even when people in our lives or who cross our paths make it difficult at times, I still try to hold my tongue and keep my opinions to myself as much as I possibly can. I'm usually pretty easy going and it takes a lot to really ruffle my feathers, but it does happen from time to time and I hope I've never failed to apologize if I allow the human side of me to show it's ugly side. I'm far from perfect and I've never claimed to be, but I do believe I am more tolerable than the average bear and I do have a very forgiving heart. I know not everyone can get along all the time, but it sure would be nice if we could. Since we can't and there will always be those that cross our paths that may make it difficult to be the best person we can be, it's my hope and prayer every day that I do all within my power to look past that and continue trying to be the best person I can be so I can always lay my head down on my pillow each night and know I can sleep well and hopefully with no regrets.

Something on my mind

As my son and bonus sons begin their departures for their deployment to Afghanistan I can't help but feel a little sentimental. I know they will be safe. They are too trained not to be, but just knowing he is there and we don't have instant access to talk to him when we feel the need makes it difficult. It's hard as parents to lose the control of knowing where your kids are all the time and that they are safe, but you certainly get a crash course in it once they move out and certainly when they join the military. While I wouldn't trade this experience for him, it has sure been quite the journey. This will be his last deployment before his contract is over and I know he and Katie have to be counting down the days, but so am I. You know, there are many things people don't tell/warn you about when you are thinking of having kids and knowing how to let go and be ok with letting go is certainly one of them. I never knew this could be as hard as it has been, but if I must say so myself, I think I've done a pretty dang good job. I've had my moments, but hopefully never really let him see or know about those moments. I've tried to deal with any of that within myself and of course (bless his heart), my sweet hubby. He has certainly been a rock for me over the last few years with me adjusting to my "new normal". He has done it with grace and compassion and more understanding that I thought possible. He hasn't even really complained about the overdose of Pine Sol at times. He just knew that there was therapy in session and just let me work through it. It is just truly amazing the strength you end up finding in yourself when you have no other choice. Thank goodness I found I had more than I thought I did. Tebo might have had his doubts a time or two, but being as wonderful as he is, he never let me know it. I know there will be more adjustments once he is out of the military and settles somewhere and we begin the next chapter of a "new normal" and they start planning to have kids and me finding my place, but I know that with wonderful children like they are and my precious husband it will go as smoothly as the last few years go. I won't say that my baseboards won't have to be repainted again and there won't be a time or two that we overdose on Pine Sol, but one thing I do know for sure, we will get to the next stage with grace and love and will be better for it. That's really all I had on my mind today.

Life

You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (I do that often and probably shouldn't), but I've been wondering a lot lately about why it is that negative people can influence the actions of normally positive people the way they can. An example, we have a cousin that is living in the past so much so that it is truly eating away at her. The only way it would appear that she can deal with this is to lash out at one of my sisters. I don't understand it really, but I have come to the conclusion that the reason this cousin can get to my sister the way she can is because I believe when you have a loving person who only wants to be a positive impact on others that negative people upset that person so much is because they feel they have failed in helping that negative person. There must be people in this world that are just destined to be bitter and if they are bitter and miserable they are only happy if they make other people feel as they do. It's really sad. They are wasting so much of their life living like this and how exhausting it must be. I for one do not want to live my life like that. Yes, I want everyone to be happy and I would do anything for anyone if they needed me, but I do not want to allow someone else's bitterness and unhappiness to bring me down. I think life has enough of that all on it's own that it doesn't need the additional negativity and sadness to consume our space. I believe if my sister weren't such a loving and caring person this wouldn't bother her. This cousin has decided to attempt to make my sister's life as miserable as her own and while my sister's heart is bruised right now from all the hurtful things she continues to say, she isn't broken and she won't be. Once she realizes that this is a waste of good energy and time she will bounce back again. She won't let this rob her of her joy and happiness. Misery loves company. Don't give it company sis. Let it go and love your life and continue to enhance your life. You are in a different place in life now and it can and will be amazing. Just don't allow the negativity and misery of someone else define your day or your life. It isn't worth it. I do pray that our cousin finds happiness again one day. That's the only thing that will make this bad dream disappear. Until that time comes, just let it go and pray that she finds that happiness and love in her heart so she can move on. You don't want to be in her place in life and I know that. I love you and the ones that love you know your heart and know what you stand for. Those who seem confused or even give her comments a second thought don't love you and you don't need that poison in your life. So there, that's my take on it and that's how I feel. Enough said. :)

To my son

Dear Chad, this is for you (although he may never read it). You will understand my heart one day when you are a father and you will be a father one day when the time is right. I love you more than I love myself. It's easy, you are my heart and there isn't a moment in my life that you are not on my mind, in my thoughts, in my heart. With every breath I take I am thinking of you and loving you. You have made me one of the proudest moms in the world. Your service and accomplishments in the Marine Corps are easy to be proud of, but the things that most people may not see or know are the things I'm most proud of. I've always reminded you to live your life as though myself or BoBo were standing by and watching you and you've done that. You have made a few mistakes in life (we all have), but I've never NOT been proud of you. You went to war and are heading back and you do it with such courage that go beyond my wildest dreams. You are a husband now and what an amazing husband you have become. I don't really know where you learned how to be such an amazing husband, but I'm so proud of you. You do your best to take care of Katie and your obligations and you always take a few minutes out of each week to call me so I can hear your voice even if it's for a few minutes. You will understand what that simple little call means to me one day when your child does that for you. I can just think of you at times and my eyes fill up with tears (in a good way). There isn't a moment in my life since I watched you get on that bus in Kansas City that I don't miss you. I've cherished every second we have ever had together and I especially cherish our date nights we use to have. I miss those, but I am so thankful I have those memories. Always make time to have a date night with Katie and one day with your children. Even if it's once a month or once a week. Always make sure you do that. It will mean more to you one day than you can imagine. I am learning how to be me in this "new normal" life without you home all the time. I'm fortunate to have Tebo in my life now to make this transition easier and it helps to know you have Katie in your life so there is someone with you to help you when I can't be there. My heart goes with you to Afghanistan just as it did when you went to Iraq, SOI, & Boot Camp. My heart goes with you always no matter where you are. I will always be here for you no matter what and to give you any advice it would be to continue being the stand up man you are today. You have made me so proud and you continue to do so every day. Before you have children you never really know the kind of love you are capable of feeling. I know one day you will have that feeling and you will know exactly what I am talking about. Thank you for being the wonderful son that you are and I always want you to know how very proud I am of you and always will be. You are not only my son, but you are also my hero. I love you precious son. Always know that! Love, mom

Weighing on my mind...

You know, as parents we go through quite a bit with and for our children, but as women I think we go through this a little more (nothing against our men), but I think sometimes we feel deeper and more with the heart. For instance, for me, it hurts my heart to feel like our kids don't always think about us like we think of them. I know they have their own lives and they should, but once in a while it would be nice to get that phone call for no reason. It even bothers me when my husband's kids don't call or write him. Why in the world do these things bother women? I've got so many things on my mind lately. My son's deployment, my sister having to go through the anniversary dates again, my niece adjusting to college, not knowing how one nephew is due to never hearing from them, my youngest niece's lip, my bonus kids, parents' health, my bonus family. So many things that seem to consume my thoughts most of the time. Wanting to make sure all our family is happy and healthy and really having no control of any of it. It weighs on my mind more some days than others, but it is never gone. I am so fortunate to have the family and life I have and I am so grateful and then I feel guilty for worrying about things. It's not so much worry as much as just stuff on my mind. I think as women we tend to take on more of that kind of stuff than most men do and I guess that's the way the Lord wants us to be. I just keep thinking eventually it will get easier not to worry about our kids or to adjust to this "new normal" we have, but I haven't quite figured out when that time will come. Probably once I've fallen into complete dementia and can't remember I'm suppose to be fretting over them. Ha! I know that is no joking matter, but sometimes I think that is what it will take for me to relax when it comes to our kids and family. Of course, any time we have any of our children in harms way (i.e. war, sickness, etc.) we will always fret and worry. I love the Lord and I know he is in complete control of our lives and I pray for our children and family constantly, but there is something human about holding on to a part of that worry even though you try to give it to the Lord. Giving it is truly one thing and truly leaving it with him is another thing. I don't know why that is or how to change that, but I know that's how I feel today at this moment. Maybe I'm feeling a bit nostalgic with deployment coming soon, who knows, but that is how I'm feeling at the moment.