Being Married... according to me...

You know, I've done this once or twice and I will say I do believe I've learned a thing or two from past mistakes that has lent to feeling I have finally done it right this time. Tebo and I have both been married before and I have one child and he has three. I was single close to four years before going out with him, but had been alone (completely alone in the marriage) for most of my married life. I felt, since Chad was born, that I was a single mom and that's how we lived our life and that was okay. It wasn't what I would call ideal, but Chad and I made it work. One thing I do believe is that as we get older we do learn to be more patient and appreciative and maybe that also comes from being alone for so long and hopefully reflecting on where I failed in the past, but whatever IT was/is, I do believe it has helped us have a wonderful marriage now. Marriage is definitely compromises. It can be easy to get caught up in the "tit for tat" (keeping score) nonsense that exist in a lot of marriages. There is a lot of give and take and if you ever start focusing on who is doing more taking and giving you will find yourself caught up in the "nonsense" of marriage and before you know it you could be facing the next few years alone or wishing you were. Some times it is just tolerating and respecting the people in our partner's life that either we may not be a huge fan of or they aren't a huge fan of us, but you do it out of love and respect for your spouse. I know Tebo and I both have been put in those types of situations thoughout our relationship that (at times) could really test us, but we both did it with as much grace and respect as we could for the other one. That's just what you do when you love someone. I do believe something that could help everyone is to understand the other's personality. Over the years I have learned more about my personality than I really ever cared to know and we have and are taking a Birkman assessment at work and we are going to compare them between Tebo and I to see how we align at home with our own personalities. I think it will be interesting, but for each of us there should be no surprises. We are both very aware of our quirks and personalities and I think for the most part aware of each others, but what I hope to learn from this exercise is the best way to approach the tougher situations and not provoke my husband or push him in a direction that would give me the opposite solution to what I am looking for. Sometimes it is easier to expect someone else to just respond to us the way we feel on the inside or like we think they should when sometimes it could be our approach with that person that actually provokes a negative response from them. I do believe mine and Tebo's personalities compliment each other very well. We are best friends first. He is the love of my life and I enjoy doing things for him. You know, he is perfectly capable of picking up his clothes, shoes, dishes, etc., but I enjoy doing those kinds of things for him so he doesn't have to (and I'm usually already up messing with something else so why not). He is also capable of doing laundry and other household chores, but I do it and I enjoy it. It is kind of weird actually, there are lots of things that I enjoy doing and just instinctively do for him that would make you think we are living in the 1950's, but I don't see it like that at all. I do our laundry and I make sure I iron all his clothes (pants and shirts) before hanging them up. It isn't because I just love to iron, it's because I know when he pulls his clothes out for work in the morning he likes them to already be nice and pressed. He likes to open his drawers each morning and have enough clean clothes (socks, underwear, etc.) to get him through the week. That makes me feel like I am taking good care of him when he has that and it gives me great joy. He loves to cook. He knows I hate to cook. Even on my two days a week that I am "suppose" to cook, he will usually end up throwing something together or we go out. I know he does that because he knows I don't enjoy it (although I would do it for him) and he likes to do it. I do the cleaning and he does the cooking. Sort of the Ying and the Yang of it all. We don't get caught up in the silly things that can get some couples in a mess. I don't worry if he plays video games or watches TV all day. That is his relaxing time. I go about my business of cleaning or whatever I happen to have on my list that day and I don't give it a second thought. It doesn't upset my apple cart if I am sweeping and mopping and running around the house cleaning while he is watching TV, because I know if I needed his help I could ask for it. I'm doing what I like and what relaxes me and he is doing the same. At night, I don't get upset if he doesn't want to watch Dancing with the Stars and I do. I just go to the bedroom and watch it in there while he watches his 3 shows in the living room. Now he might have an issue with me running into the living room every time I think there is something news worthy happening on the show (the celebrity I dislike is still making it to the next week, etc.), but he never says a word and he pauses his show to hear what I have to say and then I return to the bedroom. That's all I wanted anyway is to tell someone and know they heard me. Right? Right. I do my dead level best to put his needs and desires before my own. That might mean that I visit friends and family without him at times or go places I might not necessarily feel like going to make him happy and show him I love and respect him just as there are many times he goes with me places that he doesn't necessarily want to go just because he knows it makes me happy. He also puts up with a lot from me. I constantly offer to babysit for others and I really am all over the house 24/7 cleaning, reorganizing, arranging, scheduling, etc. and he just goes with the flow. I'm not the easiest person to live with at times. There is no yelling or fighting, but there is lots of cleaning with lots of Pine Sol and I am constantly reorganizing things (not necessarily out of need) making it hard to find things from time to time and I am so ridiculous about being on time (everywhere/anywhere) and I have certain schedules that I do not like to mess up (bedtime being the biggie). So you can see when he has moments when he can play a video game, or veg out in front of the TV that he deserves that "me" time. I'm super okay with that. He is a wonderful shopper. If it were left up to me I would still be wearing the same clothes I wore in high school (and I mean that literally). He will buy me nice clothes (very stylish) and makes sure I look nice when I leave each day. I don't put near the effort into how I look and I'm so thankful he does. There are those that don't always get us or they tend to find things to criticize him or I or both of us about and that is certainly okay, but it would be really nice if folks would take the time to get to know us both and understand what makes us tick (Birkman is a huge help if you ever get the chance to take this) and then some of the little things that get nit-picked might just go away. Marriage is not easy by any stretch and you add children and/or bonus children to the mix and sometimes it can really get stressful, but if you can always remember that marriage is not a competition and it isn't about what you can get out of it, but more about what you can contribute, I believe there would be more happy marriages out there in this world than there are today. It would have been nice if I had learned this early in life and not had to go through the pains of divorce, but maybe this is something I finally learned through maturity and experience and I do know had I learned all this before and had he learned all this before we would have never found each other and I can't imagine my life without this man in it. I love you babe and I'm so thankful for every day that I can make you feel loved and cared for and like the man you really are.