Seven Hundred & Forty-Nine

Today marks 749 days since Chad left this earth and I've been thinking about him (as usually) a lot.  I've not been sleeping (or at least resting) well the last few weeks and part of it is due to me thinking of him and trying so hard not to forget the sound of his voice, his smell, his laugh, that crooked smile, and that little deformed knuckle from breaking it before enlisting into the Marine Corps.  Am I sad?  Yes, of course I am, but I'm still very proud.  I was chatting with one of my sisters today about Chad, Katie, and how things are now and I found myself longing to know how Katie is.  I pray each day that her life is full and happy and I know one day (if not already) she will find someone to complete her again and that's all I really want for her and I know without a doubt that Chad would want that for her as well. 
You know, we were chatting about what we do for our children and truthfully, there is nothing we wouldn't do for our children.  When you are a mom or a dad, there is truly no limit to what you will endure, accept, do, or sacrifice for our children.  Sometimes our kids don't see it or get it for a long time, but I consider myself very fortunate.  I know without a doubt that Chad knew that.  I can't and won't go into detail as to how I know this, you will just have to trust me on this one, but I do know.  It sometimes takes years for a parent to know that their son or daughter gets it and truly knows that there isn't anything we wouldn't do for them and the sacrifices we made and continue to make for them and with them, but when you get that confirmation it is nothing like it in the world. 
If you are a parent that isn't sure if your child gets it yet or ever will, trust me, they will.  Some take a little longer than others to get there, but they all eventually do get there and you will be so glad you were patient. 
The only time I miss Chad and long for him is when I am breathing.  I know that sounds funny to read, but it's the truth.  If I am breathing I am thinking about him and missing him so much it aches throughout my being.  There isn't anything I can do to change that feeling and honestly I don't think I would (unless it meant he was here of course), but what I can do is continue to do my best to make him proud and hopefully touch other lives the way he touched lives during his short 22 years on this earth. 
I continue to love and support his brothers from the Marine Corps and all the "Nuts" and they hold a place in my heart (all of them) that they may never truly even fathom and that is ok.  They don't have to and that's one of the wonderful things about love.
I will always love Katie for loving Chad and being a wonderful experience that my son had the privilege of experiencing before he died.  There are many people who pass away having never felt that kind of love or they felt it and lost it, but Chad had the privilege of passing away a newly wed and as sad as that is, stop and think how happy that young man truly was.  It's kind of amazing if you think about it like that.
I will never blame anyone, other than the Taliban, for my son's death and even then I guess it's not exactly fair to blame them (even though the human and mom side of me probably will), because it is obvious God needed him more and he was sparing him from a far worst fate and it's hard to be mad at that no matter how badly I miss him and wish he was here.
I will always want to show him a new vehicle we got, or something BoBo says or does (that's a lot), or something funny, or remind him of things he did as a child, or make fun of him when he has had a few too many beers and he gets really funny.  There are always going to be those regrets of missing out on seeing him continue to mature and grow into a man and mising his children.  Those will never go away until we are reunited, but I will continue to find good things through this process.  Honestly, if I don't, I might go crazy!  The only way I can get through this journey is to focus on the good and know that he lived a short life, but it was a good life and I got to share every moment of that life with him and there are parents out there that won't be able to say that and I hate that.  I'm just so grateful that I am not one of those parents and that I can just grieve without the regrets.  I can't imagine the burden of grief with regrets.  I pray for anyone having to deal with that and that you find a way to let any regrets go and just grieve.
I would like to make a special little personal note to all Chad's buddies (USMC or Civilian), please do not mourn his death or have survivor's guilt.  He would not want that and if he had to do exactly what he did on December 1, 2010 today, he would do exactly what he did.  He would have and did give his life for his brothers and that is exactly what any of you would have done for him and don't think he didn't know that, because he did.  I also want to say a special thanks to Emily Honeymann and Justin McQuillan (aka Across the street Justin) and Elizabeth Healy.  Each of them named their 1st child after Chad.  Chad and Katie were the God-Parents to her son, Noahh Stafford (Chad's middle name) and Justin and Beth named their first child Bentley Wade (Chad's last name).  They may never know what that means to know they loved him enough to do that.  Naming all your children is a huge deal, but your first child is epic and the fact that they thought enough of Chad to include his name in their first child's name is just amazing to me.  I will always be grateful to them for that and I know Chad probably puffed his chest out a little further knowing they did that for him.  :)
I miss you son and will always be proud of you!  To this day, although you are not on this earth, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.  Love, momma bear

One of my Pet Peeves

I will be the first to admit that I have probably more than my fair share of pet peeves, but these three things absolutely wear me out!  One, do NOT be late!  How hard is it to be somewhere on time (especially) if you have prior kowledge to whatever it is you need to be at.  I understand there are times when it is un-avoidable, but when being late is "just how you are", THAT is what wears me out.  If you say 10:00, please be there at 10:00 or a few minutes prior!  Second, FOLLOW UP!  Does this mean anything to people who are in customer service type jobs?  If I did not follow up at my job, I would certainly get in trouble for that.  I will give you an example that has absolutely tested my patience (and as you can tell from my blog, they are now officially gone!).  I am trying to get some stuff done through a bank and the girl I am working with acts like she refuses to follow up on anything.  It isn't until I just hound the heck out of her that she even responds.  How hard is it if you receive an email or voice mail to take a few seconds and respond.  Even if you tell me you don't have an answer, at least be decent enough to freaking respond to me.  I would respond to you!  This just drives me crazy.  My third and last one (for today) is if you say you are going to do something, then by God, DO IT!  Do what you say!  Another example over the last couple of weeks.  I finally talked my husband into letting me hire someone to mow our yard to give him a break as he is working so many hours and we have been so busy that he just can't get it all done.  The guy couldn't mow last week due to weather (I totally get that), but he never let me know when he could get to it (although I asked twice) so this week on Monday he told me he would text me the day this week he could come.  Yesterday I still had not heard boo from him so I send him a text asking if I should just mow my yard myself since we had rain coming again and we were over a week behind getting it done.  He never responds to tell me when he could come or if he would, but 20 minutes later he arrives and begins mowing the yard.  First, thank you for showing up, but REALLY!
Arg!  I know this hasn't been a good week to test my patience as I started back to work and I've been worn out.  When I get tired I get very cranky.  One of the very few times in my life that I ever do get cranky, but this week, I AM CRANKY and sick and tired of tardiness, no follow up, and not doing what you say you are going to do!  Really people?  It's just not that hard.
Okay, I'm done for now.  Maybe I will feel better now.  Sorry and thank you.

Why would I want it to get easier?

I'm obviously not at the point where I can honestly say that things are easier since Chad died.  In fact, I feel like I am back at square one again.  The sleepless nights are more than not and while that might not be the main reason I'm not sleeping, my mind immediately goes to Chad the moment I am awake.  I feel sad, mad, hurt, and so many other incredible feelings that I cannot even put into words.

I know we aren't "suppose" to ask why and I try not to or if I do I tell myself that God spared Chad from a life far worst than death.  Those words are hard for me to say (I won't lie) and there are times I wonder if I really believe it or if it's just something I say to help me feel better about the fact that he isn't here.

I have so many people (almost everyone) telling me that over time it will get easier.  Do I really want it to get easy to miss my son and no longer have him in this world?  God, I hope not!  I don't want it to be easy for him to not be here.  The truth is, I miss him 24/7.  There isn't a moment in my life that I am not thinking about him, missing him, sad for losing him, and missing out on all the things I will now miss with him.  I don't think it should get easier (for me).  I'm sure that's not how people really meant it when they say those words.  I know it's the only way they know to ease my hurt or help me feel better at the moment, but honestly, it scares me to think it could get easier.  I don't want it to be easy to miss my son.

I never got the chance to really watch him grow into a married man.  I was fortunate enough to get to see him get married and be in that honeymoon stage and I'm so grateful for that, but I would have loved to have seen him grow into this mature and settled husband and one day a father.  I know he would have been an amazing father.  He was great with all kids and I can only imagine how amazing he would have been with his own.  I would have loved to see him settle into civilian life again as a man and start his career (most likely in law enforcement) and see him buy his first house.  All those things you just expect to experience with your children.

Yes, I get that I'm most likely having a pity party at the moment and I will get past it (outwardly anyway), but having so much time at night to think about all these things aren't making it any easier...
Most days I still feel like I am functioning in a fog and just going through the motions of the day.  I find myself dreading returning to work next week, because it truly gets exhausting to put a smile on my face and play the politically correct card all day when all I really want to do is be in my house and not play nice with others.  However, I will do what I have to do as long as I have to do it and I will make the best of it.  There will be a day when I don't have to worry about doing this anymore, but until then I will just make the best of it.  In the meantime, I really need to figure out a way to get sleep and better rest at night so maybe my mind can settle down and give me a break from all the thoughts running through my mind all night long.