I'm obviously not at the point where I can honestly say that things are easier since Chad died. In fact, I feel like I am back at square one again. The sleepless nights are more than not and while that might not be the main reason I'm not sleeping, my mind immediately goes to Chad the moment I am awake. I feel sad, mad, hurt, and so many other incredible feelings that I cannot even put into words.
I know we aren't "suppose" to ask why and I try not to or if I do I tell myself that God spared Chad from a life far worst than death. Those words are hard for me to say (I won't lie) and there are times I wonder if I really believe it or if it's just something I say to help me feel better about the fact that he isn't here.
I have so many people (almost everyone) telling me that over time it will get easier. Do I really want it to get easy to miss my son and no longer have him in this world? God, I hope not! I don't want it to be easy for him to not be here. The truth is, I miss him 24/7. There isn't a moment in my life that I am not thinking about him, missing him, sad for losing him, and missing out on all the things I will now miss with him. I don't think it should get easier (for me). I'm sure that's not how people really meant it when they say those words. I know it's the only way they know to ease my hurt or help me feel better at the moment, but honestly, it scares me to think it could get easier. I don't want it to be easy to miss my son.
I never got the chance to really watch him grow into a married man. I was fortunate enough to get to see him get married and be in that honeymoon stage and I'm so grateful for that, but I would have loved to have seen him grow into this mature and settled husband and one day a father. I know he would have been an amazing father. He was great with all kids and I can only imagine how amazing he would have been with his own. I would have loved to see him settle into civilian life again as a man and start his career (most likely in law enforcement) and see him buy his first house. All those things you just expect to experience with your children.
Yes, I get that I'm most likely having a pity party at the moment and I will get past it (outwardly anyway), but having so much time at night to think about all these things aren't making it any easier...
Most days I still feel like I am functioning in a fog and just going through the motions of the day. I find myself dreading returning to work next week, because it truly gets exhausting to put a smile on my face and play the politically correct card all day when all I really want to do is be in my house and not play nice with others. However, I will do what I have to do as long as I have to do it and I will make the best of it. There will be a day when I don't have to worry about doing this anymore, but until then I will just make the best of it. In the meantime, I really need to figure out a way to get sleep and better rest at night so maybe my mind can settle down and give me a break from all the thoughts running through my mind all night long.
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