"Being a Marine"

Wings for Our Troops on "Being a Marine"

What a crappy week

It's only Wednesday (although this "work" day is finally almost over), but it's already been a really crappy week (insert more harsh word).  I've been emotional (which I hate) and it doesn't matter what I'm doing at the time or where I am, if the tears are going to flow, they just start.
I have missed Chad extra this week for some reason.  I can't put my finger on it and there has been no significant event that has caused this, I guess it's just because.
I don't dream about him exactly, but I don't wake up in the night that he isn't on my mind.  I miss everything.  That's really all I can say.  I just miss him!  I'm sad and I miss my son. 

Just this kind of day...

These happen to be the songs that have been ripping my heart out all day.  You might say, stop listening to them.  Well, you listen to them and tell me if you would be able to if it were you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5E6JT89BS0 I wish I could...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Y2icHOgC5U NO!  I'm not...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XoRQTERQdI I'm not the only Gold Star mom ;(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4ujS1er1r0 I will never not think of Dylan and all Chad's buddies when I hear this.

If you are a parent, hug and kiss your kids a little extra today.  If you are a son, call your momma or give her an extra hug today.  If you are a daughter, call your daddy and give him an extra hug today.  If you are a wife, love your husband a little more today.  If you are a husband, love your wife a little more today.  If you are a parent who has lost a child, I pray you feel my arms wrapped around you today as you are reading this for I know your pain.

If you know me

If you know me at all, you know I am very much a planner.  I am a creature of habit and that is probably putting it midly.  Tebo would tell you that I am OCD (I actually like CDO better), but I'm not.  I just know what I like and I like things the way I like them.  I would have to believe that most people are that way.  I just go to extra lengths to make sure things are like I like them at home and in my work space (that I can control that is), but at least I don't require others to always do these things for me. 
As most that keep up with us know, we have listed our house and are planning to purchase a new one if (when) ours sells.  When Tebo first mentioned selling I didn't bother to pause, I just said no.  Then I realized that my reasons for immediately saying no (which I recognize was very unfair) were really not great reasons.  They were actually silly reasons to be quite honest.  The things that were keeping me from wanting to move were things I would be moving with me and the memories will follow me wherever I go.  My head knew that, but my heart was having a difficult time catching up.  Finally my heart caught up and I was on board with listing and selling our house and looking for a new one.  Let me tell you, looking for a house for us is not unpleasant, but it is not for the faint of heart.  Tebo could probably look at 1 to 3 houses and make his decision and be great with it.  Me, not so much.  We have now looked at 49 individual homes and some of those we have seen multiple times.  Now you might be thinking, good grief girl, aren't they all running together now?  Not really, because remember, I am a planner so I have a folder with all my notes written down and pictures to go along with them so I'm good there.  Anyway, we made our final decision (which technically was one of the very first homes we looked at and liked) and made an offer contingent on the sell and closing of our home.  You would think since it's a contingency offer and no risk to us that I would have no reason to fret over that.  Well, one would think, but again, if you know me, you know better.  Once Tebo said, accpet the counter offer I literally waited an hour before responding to the realtor.  Once I did respond and give her our answer I felt so much anxiety.  I don't know why, again, if you know me.  Sometimes it takes me a few hours or days to process everything and get my head around it and once I'm there I'm good.  I'm almost there. 
So, I say all that to say this... I tried to read as much as I could to prepare myself on what to expect with the grief of losing Chad (yes, true planner).  I would see what I could expect or what I might feel and more importantly, things NOT to do in that first year.  One of the big things was to not make a major move (house) within that first year or major financial decisions.  Well, we didn't.  It's been two years and I can tell you that two years later is no easier than I think it would have been last year.  I know, I know... They say that because you may not be making those decisions with a "clear" head.  Well, I'm not so sure how "clear" my head is now, but I would imagine that the decision is made now less on emotion and more on practicality so I get it. 
I have actually found the craziest reasons to change my mind about moving.  First was just moving Chad's bat and some of the things that are still hanging in the same closet where he left them.  I know, it makes no real sense, but to me it seemed huge.  Ok, so Tebo (because he is just this freaking amazing) decided that Chad needed his own room in the new house.  Perfect!  Now I felt like I could breathe a little easier and it felt better.  Of course this was a struggle before we found "the house" and I found myself fretting over that.  Really?  Good grief.  Well, again, if you know me, this makes perfect sense.  So, now we have the house picked out and I've determined which room I want to be his and I "think" I've determined what color scheme I want to use in his room (subject to change).  Now comes another really silly fret.  I have a window seat in the front room of our current home and it is absolutely full of everything Chad related since he passed away.  Everything from the Marine Corps, the White House, etc.  You can't imagine all the "stuff" we have received and I have no clue what to do with it all.  My "winter project" this year was going to be to go through all that stuff and figure that out and then we got the grand idea to sell and move so I had to postpone my "winter project".  I know it is the craziest thing for most people to think why I would even fret over something like that, but that's just me. 
I'm certain when it comes to actually packing up the house there will be moments that cause me to pause a moment and reflect and most likley cry and there will be other times that I am sure I will just be plugging right along.  However, I will tell you that the one thing that will be very difficult to leave will be our Chad tree.  It hasn't gotten very big, but it's there and it's our Chad tree.  I can't just pull it out of the ground and take it with me.  It will be hard to leave it.  I know, it's a tree, but it's our tree and it means something very important to us.  Then we have that amazing entrance to our neighborhood that our neighbors placed a flag and a memorial stone for Chad just as you pull in.  How will it be not to see that twice (or more) a day every day?  I don't know.  It's not like Chad is there or I can't drive by when I need to take a look.  It's just the thought of what it stands for that makes it hard. 
This won't be the hardest thing we do and it won't be the last time we are faced with struggles like this, but when they hit it's hard for it not to make an impact.  I will get over it and I will move and I will be just fine.  I know this, because as crazy as I am, I do have a sensible side. 
I was tenderly reminded today by a friend (who has also lost an only child) that all these crazy feelings and thoughts I'm having are "normal".  Shew, that was good to hear, because I'm telling you, I've started to wonder about myself so I can't imagine what my poor husband has been thinking.  Bless his heart.
I love the idea of having a chance for a fresh start in a new house and hopefully walking through the house won't be as painful as some days it can be in our current home, but I can love the idea and be scared to death at the same time.
One of the ways I decided I could still feel like I had some control was in the area of packing and moving our stuff.  Tebo was going to hire someone to do all that for us and I know it would make things so much easier, but honestly, I need that control and I need to plan it out my way and organize it my way and maybe that will actually give me a little peace to get through this move without losing my ever loving mind.  Yes, for those wondering, I already have my plan and the process in which I will pack, label boxes, and label the new rooms for this move.  That was already decided shortly after making the decision to actually move.  I have a general idea of how I will tackle the window seat full of the Chad stuff and while I have no intentions of trying to go through and sort out all that stuff, I do know that I will pack that completely separately from everything else and label it a certain way that I know what it is when others may not.  Those little weird things will certainly help me get through this process.
What I didn't plan for that has made me feel completely and utterly out of control is the wave of emotions that would come with not only the move, but being ok with the move.  I feel almost like I'm cheating Chad or disrespecting him or something.  I can't put those feelings into words yet, but that's kind of how it feels for whatever reason.  I know I will get past it and it may take being in the new house for a while before I get there, but I know I will eventually make it.  I just have to figure out my plan for dealing with these feelings and once I've done that I believe it will go a little smoother.
Now for Tebo's sake I pray I can get this plan ironed out quickly and as painless as possible or he may just run away.  So far he has been a dream, but how much can one man take?  Hopefully a lot!  :) 
The planner in me will eventually figure it all out and I'm sure things will work out just the way they are suppose to, but until this plan is completely done I will have days when I just need to be quiet or busy myself with cleaning or just simply spent some quiet time at the cemetery.  Whatever it takes I know it will happen.  I just have to get my head around it all and once that happens my family and friends better get their roller skates on to keep up, because there will be no stopping or slowing me down. 
If you don't mind saying a little prayer for me when you think about it I would grately appreciate it.  I can usually keep the anxiety under control and just below the surface so hopefully others don't always know when it's going on, but there are days that I just can't rise above it and it gets the better of me.  I do try, but I do fail a lot.  Please and thank you! 

Randomness...

It still amazes me that the most random thing can trigger emotions in me these days.  I've always had a tender heart and could cry sometimes at the drop of a hat, but weap?  I can be driving down the road and a song can come on (especially "I drive your truck" by Lee Brice) and the tears flow like I opened a dam.  Other days I don't shed a tear and other days I can't stop them regardless what I do.
All the tears that flow are sad tears though.  Just because I'm thinking of Chad doesn't mean it's a sad thought.  Yes, my heart is always sad from missing him and wishing I could touch him, smell, kiss his head, etc., but it might be happy memories that make me cry.
It's funny the things at times that trigger those feelings.  Once I was thinking about the fact that Peyton Manning is no longer with the Colts and I teared up thinking what would Chad think of that.  His buddies get married or have babies and I think, oh gosh, what would Chad say?  I see my nieces and nephews have major things happen in their life and I think of how Chad would feel or respond.  It's hard to think there is so much I won't be able to share with him anymore and there are times when those feelings make my heart feel so heavy (physically) that I find it hard to breathe. 
I'm grateful he will never have to suffer again or feel pain or be sad, but that doesn't take all these emotions that run rampid through my heart and head daily.
Most nights I lay in bed and try to force myself to fall asleep and the nights when I try so hard to sleep is usually when the emotions get the better of me and then I may fall asleep and cat nap, but every time I awake I am thinking of Chad.  Those thoughts aren't anything in particular for the most part, they are just me thinking of him.
It is countless the times something will happen or I hear something and the first thing I think is I really need to tell Chad this or show him that.  That seems to be never ending.  I might hear a song or see a show and wish I could call and tell him to watch it or listen to it.  The latest one is Duck Dynasty.  I can't watch that show that I don't think, oh my gosh, Chad would love this!  There are just so many things that I would give anything to share with him or watch his response when he sees or hears something.
My heart aches.  It aches so bad that sometimes I really think I might die of a broken heart, literally. 
It's difficult to describe the way I feel.  When I say my heart aches, I literally feel my heart in my chest feeling very heavy and if a heart could cry I would swear that's what it is doing.  There will be nothing that will take that away or replace it, it is what it is from now until the end of my time on this earth.  All I can do is continue trying to navigate this new life I've been handed and try to do my best to make Chad as proud as I can and to keep his memory alive.  I hope I can do this more times than not, but I will fail and I will feel defeated at times, but I have an amazing family and group of friends that will help me get through it as they have done so far through these two years.  That's really all a person can ask for in circumstances like this.

Just when you think...

Just when you think things are just going to always be the way they are, life throws a little speed bump in the way.  Yesterday I had a little speed bump thrown my way and it was a good kind.  I won't bore you with all the details, but I will tell you that yesterday made my heart smile in a way it hasn't done in two years and it felt good.
It was a good reminder to never give up and always have hope.  Sometimes it is easy for me to just accept that things are just the way they are and they won't change so I adjust my thinking to be what it is (a wise man says).  It is really nice when I get proven wrong (in a good way that is) and I find hope and happiness around me again. 
Don't give up if there is something you are hoping for, because when you least expect it, it just might jump up and surprise you.

Not in my shoes this week

I know I spend more time journaling about my own grief and sometimes feeling sorry for myself and I don't spend as much time thinking about others.  Well, this week has been an exception to that for me.  I think I need reminding once in a while that I am not the only one hurting over the loss of Chad. 
This week my heart has been so heavy for Katie (Chad's wife).  I have had many people tell me (and most likely her as well) that she is young and will move on and find someone new one day and still live a very full and happy life.  Well, I pray that is what happens, but that does not lessen her sadness or grief today.  She has experienced more in her short life than most adults ever will in their life time. 
She was only married a year when he deployed to Afghanistan and for her to be living that deployment so closely and in CA alone for the most part was tough enough, but 5 weeks into the deployment as a wife to lose her husband and still be in CA alone is something I pray no one else ever has to experience and something I pray she is able to move on from one day.
I do hope and pray that she meets someone just as wonderful (in a different way of course) than Chad and not that this new person will ever replace Chad, however, compliment what she had with Chad and the new Katie.
Don't ever make the mistake that I've unfortunately heard people say that she didn't know him very long or that they weren't together that long.  Grief and loss is no respector of person or time.  Whether they had been together 2 years or 20 years, her pain is still real and her heart hurts and mourns a loss that most young women her age couldn't imagine.  She has and continues to handle this tragic time in her life with class and as much maturity as a young woman can possibly have.  I know she probably has good days (well, better days) and continues to have bad days or just plain old rough days (like it turns out she has had this week) and I hate that for her.  I know it's part of the process, but we don't have to like it.
I try not to pry into her day to day life, but on the days when I can't get her off my mind I have to reach out to her and she always reaches back.  She doesn't have to.  She could certainly go on with her life and forget she ever knew me, but she doesn't do that.  I'm very fortunate to have that with her.  I would bet that there are some mothers that have daughter in laws that haven't experienced this kind of loss that don't have as good a relationship as what I believe Katie and I have had in our short time together.  I pray that when she does find her new partner in life that he provides her with an amazing mother in law that will love her and accept her and treat her as her own.  She deserves that as any daughter in law or son in law does.  I just happen to feel a little more strongly about her as I know my son would want nothing, but the best for her and for her to be the happiest she could ever be.
Katie, I don't know if you ever read these anymore, but if by chance you read this one please know that there is someone out there for you and he will find you one day and when that day comes you will be ready.  Always know that Chad will be smiling down on you and be happy for you when you find that happiness again.  Chad isn't the only one, I too will be smiling and be happy for you and I know that you will make a wonderful wife again one day and I know that you will make an amazing mother too.
Your dreams can and will still come true, it will just be a different path than the one you first started on that beautiful September 18th day when you became part of our family.  That new path will be one that will always have room for your memories of Chad and your life you had with him and I hope that I can see you in that happy place one day.  Much love always, Momma Bear...

Through the tears and fog

There are many people who have lost a child or spouse or someone close to them that have shared that things will get better.  I know what they mean, you will notice the hurt a little less over time, etc., but this year has been harder than the 1st year anniversary of everything.  I don't know if it is because I was either so sick last year or still walking in a fog, but either way, it is very hard to see that it could get better (or easier).  Whatever the adjective might be one day, it isn't here today, that's for certain.
I actually feel as if I am going backwards in my grief.  I know that might seem odd or sound strange, but that's how it feels to me. 
To be quite honest, there was a lot going on during that first year after Chad passed away.  My youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, both sets of parents had health issues and scary ones at that, and I was extremely sick.  I guess some of those things made it a bit easier not to focus on the grief, but to focus on everything else.  This year things have calmed (as much as they can in a large family) and I'm finally feeling better physically so maybe that explains the way it feels like I'm going backwards in my grief.
I do know one thing for certain and that is this feeling is not only terribly sad, but it can be a bit scary as well.  For me, I don't know what to do with grief.  I could be sitting at my desk and tears will just begin streaming down my face for no apparent reason or I might just feel like shaky my fist at God and ask him why (even though I know we shouldn't).  There are times I will just sit at the cemetery and cry or just sit quietly.  Other times (if I'm totally alone at home) I will scream until I have no voice left.  This doesn't happen often as I'm not home alone often, but the few times I have been that's what I do (most times).  Sometimes just screaming out loud is all I know to do.  It doesn't change anything and it doesn't really make me feel better, but it does seem to give me an outlet when the words won't come.
I have sisters and close friends that would be happy for me to talk to them about how I feel, but it's hard to put a scream into words.  I know, I sound crazy (my husband my say because I am), but honestly I have no words.  All I have most days are screams or tears. 
Maybe one day the words will come.  I can tell you it's not today except through writing.  That feels safer (don't ask me why, because I truly do not know).
Sleep doesn't work, because as soon as I stir in my sleep Chad is who I am thinking of.  I'm fortunate that I'm not having the nightmares of the doorbell ringing as much as I was, but I cry with missing him in my sleep or that's the feelings I have the moment I awake and going back to sleep in next to impossible so I spend a few nights with little to no sleep and then I will crash.  It's a vicious cycle and one that seems to have no end.
I did recently read a book by Mary Beth Chapman "Choosing to See" that gave me some insight to how another mom feels.  It's been so many years since my sister lost her daughter that it is sometimes hard for me to remember all the stages she went through.  We were all much younger then too and I don't know if I would have reacted differently when I was younger and having to personally go through this or not, but all I can go on is how I tend to be handling it now and there are many days that I'm not sure I'm doing this right or if there is a right or wrong way.  I'm sure there is no right or wrong way to grief and I know that everyone expresses and handles grief totally different.  For me, it would appear that I keep things more internal and my outlets are through writing or screaming and crying when I'm totally alone. 
I know there are no handy "how to" books on the different life experiences we go through, but wouldn't it be nice if there were things like "grief for dummies"?  I guess that's why we have loved ones in our lives that have lost someone close and books with experiences that are the same to give us insight to how they handled it or are still handling it.  I guess that is our "how to" book so to speak.  Sometimes it just doesn't seem like near enough.
All I know for sure is that I miss my son and I ache so down deep that some days it is truly hard to open my eyes and face the day...  I know I'm not alone and I know that this is not a new feeling for a parent who has lost a child (regardless how).  Some might say there is comfort in that, but I can tell you personally for me, that does not give me comfort.  It makes my heart hurt for that mom or dad, but comfort is not an emotion I feel knowing there are others hurting or have hurt like this. 

To another year

Well, despite me thinking differently, I did survive to see a new year.  When the events of December 1, 2010 occured you could not have convinced me that I would still be on this earth and breathing let alone make it through 2 full years with no Chad.  I have to say that year 2 was much harder than year 1 for me.  I don't really understand why except that I was terribly sick and still felt like I was going through my daily routine in a fog and barely aware of my surroundings. 
There has been a lot going on with the rest of my family during these two years.  My youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 36.  She went through chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and now looking forward to her reconstruction surgery.  One set of parents had issues with their hearts and the other set of parents were dealing with their own illnesses.  It seems like it's been one thing after another and it's left little room for feeling sorry for myself (not that I didn't have the occasional pity party).
The parents seem to be on the mends and my sister is kicking cancers butt! 
Now that things have (well as much as possible) settled and relaxed a bit, I'm left with all these overwhelming emotions of what to do with myself (emotionally) now. 
Tebo and I decided we would attempt to sell our house and purchase one that had a bonus room rather than add on to our current home.  With interest rates so low and the cost of purchasing a house still pretty low, we thought we would give it a try.  We have had a lot of traffic with ours, but no offers.  Our realtor is confident she will sell our house this year, but I'm hoping she has more confidence than I do, because I've certainly had my doubts off and on.  It could be that I'm still a bit torn as to what I really want to do.  Chad was with us when we bought that house.  He had his graduation party there as well as a going away party when he enlisted and we held his wedding reception in that house.  We celebrated what would turn out to be his last Christmas on this earth in that house and I'm struggling with whether or not I can say goodbye.  It's just a house.  I know all the memories will go with me to a new house, but there is still a huge part of me struggling with letting it go.
If someone makes us an offer on our home and we take it then I know I will be fine.  One thing that will certainly help is Tebo's suggestion of us making a room just for Chad so it feels like he always has a place there.  I can put his bat behind his closet door as he has done since I can remember and I would be able to put certain things in there that will make it feel like his room.  That does give me some comfort as weird as that may sound.
I have seen love and support from people that I never really spent much time with before and I have felt blessed over this last two years from the outpouring of love and encouragment from family and friends and now new friends.  It truly restores something in you when you see this much kindness being shared.
Our foundation Wings for Our Troops "in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade" has done amazingly!  We sent our 2nd soldier home right before Christmas this past year and it was an amazing feeling to know she had just returned home from Afghanistan and when she had trouble getting home she reached out to us (well her family did) and we were successful in getting her home just in time for Christmas.  It was a rush situation and because our advisory board is so amazing we were able to get approval and move things along very quickly.  It was a blessing to see how quickly they were on board and willing to do whatever we needed to to get her home.
I would like to think that we would have no reason for WFOT foundation any longer, but I don't suspect that will be the case.  We will still be deploying our military to war zones for quite some time to come and it is our honor to have the opportunity to send these young men and women home before and/or after deployment.  It's been ironic really that both we sent home were at Christmas time.  The time of year that I've struggled with since 2010 for the last two years has been when we were fortunate enough to be able to send a Marine and Soldier home to be with their loved ones and all in Chad's memory.  That certainly gives me a new outlook on what tends to be a gloomy time of year for me.  I'm not usually one to believe in signs and things like that, but it does cause me to pause and think, maybe Chad is trying to tell me something.... Hmmmm....
Anyway, it is a good feeling to know that our foundation is helping other families and giving them the chance to make amazing memories with their marine/soldier. 
As hard as the last two years have been, we've been so fortunate to really feel love and support from so many. 
Thank you to all who have played a roll in helping us navigate through these rough waters and I hope you all have a very blessed 2013! 

Christmas 2012 - Our Getaway

Well, this Christmas getaway from home was a bit different as we took Tia, Candi, and Nathan with us.  We took a cruise to Mexico and stopped in Cozumel and Progresso.  We departed out of New Orleans so we spent two nights in New Orleans before boarding the ship on Christmas Eve.  I will have to say that being my first visit to New Orleans I had a bit of culture shock.  I wasn't exactly prepared for all we would see on Bourbon Street.  I loved all the buildings and history of this place and think it's a great to visit.  Now I can say I've been there and be satisfied with that. 
I wasn't sure how I would do this year as so far this year has been much harder and more emotional than even last year and this was 2 years after losing Chad.  I really worked internally on myself to keep my emotions in check especially in the truck during our 10 hour drive from Bentonville to New Orleans.  I didn't want to take a chance of getting emotional and messing up the trip for everyone else.  The moments I felt I needed a little quiet time to gather myself I would just tell them I needed to take a nap and that would give me some down time to regroup.  It worked out pretty well.  I felt very sad in my heart off and on the entire trip, but really worked hard to keep that inside so not to put a damper on everyone else's vacation.
We had decided to do something to make it feel like Chad was a part of our vacation as well so (unbeknownst to me) Tebo brought the Marine pin the guys from his unit gave us in his bag and we placed it in the sand and all formed a star with our hands around it and took a picture.  We took other little pictures (really to make me feel better) and Tebo and I have decided we will do this every Christmas trip from now on. 
I never had the privilege of taking Chad on a trip like this and that has bothered me so much.  I feel like he and I both missed out on some great memories that we will never have the chance to make now.  It seems like incorporating him in our Christmas trip in some way will give a little comfort to that regret and while it won't change the fact, maybe it will make it hurt a little less.
Just before we left for our trip one of my sisters, Stacy, gave me a book by Mary Beth Chapman (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) called "Choose to See".  I was going to begin reading it on the way to New Orleans, but with the sun coming through the truck and I'm sure the anxiety of getting started on our trip was too much and I was having a hard time reading it.  Now, I'm actually glad I waited and started reading it on the trip back.  I've almost completed the book and I have to say that it is right up there with one of the best gifts I've been given from her.  I won't go into the book, but I would encourage you to read it if you haven't.  Even if you haven't lost a child I would suggest reading it, because it might give you some insight to how you could help someone you may know that has or is going through such a tragic loss. 
Obviously as parents we think of our children 24/7 and that does not change just because they are no longer on this earth.  It just stings more when they are no longer with us and makes us ache more.  I'm hoping and praying that through Mary Beth Chapman's words I will be able to put some of my emotions in the right boxes and organize my thoughts better.  Right now my thoughts tend to jump around all over the place and it causes me to feel like I'm living life in a fog of sorts.  Don't get me wrong, I get up and go to work every day and do everything I always did around the house, but it isn't with the same heart I had before December 1, 2010.  I know that it will never be the same again, but it would be nice for it to feel more organized and controlled. 
While vacation was great and we made it back to land without incident, the trip from New Orleans back to Bentonville was anything, but relaxing.  We had been on the road since around 6:30 Sunday morning and I had called daddy on Saturday to let him know we were back in the good old USA and on dry land and that I would call him tomorrow after church and he had eaten dinner to let him know where we were and just check in.  Before I could call him my sister, Dawn, called and asked to speak to Tebo privately rather than on speaker phone.  Well, I obviously knew immediately that something was wrong with daddy.  Otherwise, she would have just called my phone.  My sisters underestimate how well I know them...  :)  Anyway, I waited in the backseat for them to hang up and I said what's wrong with daddy.  He told me they were taking him to the hospital by ambulance because they thought he may have had a stroke or something like that with his heart.  So here is a little something about me you may not know.  I'm not usually one that just falls all apart immediately upon hearing something like that.  I'm usually the calm one and can start managing through (ok, taking charge), but you get the picture, but they are always reluctant to tell me personally anything that has to do with daddy.  It's actually pretty cute and funny to watch it always unfold like that.  So once I knew what Dawn told Tebo I called Stacy and started making tentative plans on what action I needed to take.  Besides, I still had 4 1/2 hours in the truck with nowhere to go so I had the perfect opportunity to figure out a game plan.  I decided if once I got home and they needed me I would just drive on over to Grove, OK and do whatever I needed to.  Otherwise, I would wait until the next morning.  Once we got home I talked to Stacy and she was heading home to rest and the parents were staying at the hospital.  I told her I would unpack and get my laundry done so I could be there early the next morning when the doctor would arrive.  That's what I did.  Once I got to Grove and they spoke with the doctors they transported daddy to the hospital in Tulsa, OK and we all followed.  Long story short, he has some things going on with his heart and we are still waiting on test results to understand how they will treat him.  I stayed along with my sister and the parents in daddy's room on New Year's Eve and spent most of New Year's day with him until I had to return home so I could work today.  :(  I knew he was in good hands and it would be a day of tests and information overload and I may have underestimated both.  It has been a long day for them that is for sure, but he is getting closer and closer to being able to go home.
I say all that to say this... It is so natural for me to always be thinking of Chad, because well, I'm his momma bear, but that boy loved my daddy (his BoBo) like no one else I've ever seen him love and every time (and I do mean every time) I would talk to that boy he would always tell me to make sure BoBo is ok.  He would make me promise that every time (no pressure, huh?).  So you can see that when I think something might happen to him I keep thinking, oh gosh, Chad isn't going to be happy if something happens to him.  Then, I take pause and think, should something happen to daddy, I can just see Chad running down the streets of heaven (at a high rate of speed of course) to the gate to welcome him and fill him in on everything that has been going on while they waited for his arrival.  I can visualize that so vividly for some reason.  I just know how Chad's face would light up every time he talked about daddy or saw him.  They definitely had a bond that was unmeasurable for sure.  I truly miss that.  So Chad, know that for now, BoBo is just fine and as strong as he is, he will probably out live us all.