Warning...

Well, being a teenager and thinking I was invincible have come back to haunt me.  Almost 13 weeks ago now I went to the doctor for this persistent itching on my left arm.  It was driving me crazy.  I don't know how long it actually itched before I noticed it, but once it was waking me up at night I knew it was time to go to the doctor, because Benidryl and over the counter antihistamines and lotions weren't working.  They first said, hmmmm I don't see anything on your arm to cause itching.  Well no sh&^ Sherlock!  I could have told him that.  He thought he would give me prescription antihistamines and a topical cream to help with the itching.  If it wasn't better in 5 days come back and we will check again.  Well, I did exactly what he said and used the soap he said to use and now I have bumps.  I went back in 5 days and the itching wasn't any better and now he has something to see.  I saw a different doctor and she didn't know what it was, but was going to give me Prednisone and told me to keep taking the other medication the other doctor gave me.  If it was shingles it would get worst and stop the Prednisone.  If not this should help.  Well, I got so sick after 2 days.  I finally stopped the medicines myself and went back on Monday.  I saw the first doctor again and he was clueless and ran a ton of blood work and sent me to my dermatologist.  Her assistant had no clue, but didn't think it was cancer so did a biopsy to see what they were dealing with and how to treat it.  She took me off all the medicines, because apparently the other doctors were over medicating me (hence me getting so sick).  She gave me different cream and lotions to use and a different soap to use.  After 13 days the biopsy came back and it was considered pre-cancer (skin cancer).  I went back in for them to freeze the spots and turns out when i saw the actual doctor the itching was caused from the pre-cancer cells turning into cancer.  Hmmm...  maybe my skin cancer looks different from the other skin cancer.  Not throwing stones, just frustrated it took so stinking long to even get an answer.  Well, after the freezing of over 26 places (oh yes, left arm, chest, face, and back shoulder) the itching wasn't going away.  I call back and they see me again and turns out that wasn't enough and I had additional spots.  Now it was time to be a bit more aggressive.  She opted to do a procedure called PDT which is basically like a radiation treatment.  I had to wait another 2 weeks for healing from the freezing and finally had my procedure this past Monday.  They put this medicine on my arms and put plastic wrap on both arms and I sat for 2 hours (yes, if you know me this was painful) and then they put me under this blue light that activated the medication.  This process burned quite a bit, but nothing I couldn't tolerate.  After the treatment I had to wash my arms with this special soap and then a 2nd cleanser (yes my peeps, it burned like you know what), but again, managed through.  Then I had to coat both arms with sunblock (not sunscreen, sunblock... am I the only person that didn't know there was a difference?) and then put gloves on and then my jacket and go straight home.  I have to stay inside the house, away from windows, keep all blinds closed, and not stand close to household lights because it will not only burn my skin, but can cause scaring.  My 48 hours will be up this afternoon and then I chat with the doctor to determine if I can leave the house tomorrow based on the healing.  The worst part so far has been the headache from the blue light.  I can't seem to get rid of it.  Thank goodness I was able to get something from a neighbor that did ease it up yesterday, but now it's coming back.  The doctor called me something in for the headaches so may once I get that I will feel even better.  You know, the arms haven't been just miserable like I thought.  The living in the dark and staying inside has been the hardest part.  The shower this morning was a bit uncomfortable, but for the most part no longer than the shower was I could tough it out.  Last night was a little uncomfortable with the swelling of the arms and the burning, but hey, they aren't itching 24/7 so for me that is progress!  We will see how tomorrow is.  I'm a little nervous about getting out and exposing my arms to the sun and florescent lighting in the office, but if my head doesn't feel better than it does right now I'm pretty sure I will work from home again tomorrow just for safe keeping.  We will see.  Apparently this procedure is very expensive (I'm scared even with insurance) so I'm telling you now.  If you haven't already caused the damage with the sun start using sunblock.  Sunscreen isn't enough.  You need sunblock with Zinc or Titanium in it and use it every day (apparently that will be part of my new daily schedule).  It's not worth all this when you can either get a spray tan or use it in a bottle.  I've been a freak about taking care of my skin for the last 5 to 10 years, but my damage was done way before that.  Dang it!  I don't care now if I am pasty or not.  I will wear my sunblock and hats (as bad as I look in them) and I will be smarter when I'm outside.  I won't deprive myself of pool time or working in my flower beds, but I will be smarter about it.  If you are older now and you have kids or grand kids, teach them now to be smarter.  The damage is being done when they are young.  I may have to have up to 4 treatments to kill all the cancer cells and while insurance will cover it I will still be responsible for 20% after our deductible and that alone won't be cheap.  Save yourself, your kids, your grand kids, nieces, and nephews from the expense and discomfort of all this and tell them it's just not worth it.  It's really not.  I will be fine.  It may take quite a bit of time and treatments and more discomfort before that happens, but I will be fine.  If it hadn't been driving me crazy with the itching who knows, but if I had it to do over and I truly got that it wasn't good for me, I would do things very differently.  Now you can't say you weren't warned.

My amazing husband

It is no surprise to those who know me that I have the most amazing husband, but even when I think he is as amazing as he can be he goes and does something that blows my mind again.  I've had a couple of really rough days.  I don't really know why, I just have.  Well, let me tell you how wonderful my husband is.  He actually hasn't felt well all week.  He has had a head cold or allergies or something so he hasn't been sleeping very well.  I haven't been sleeping well either, but for obvious other reasons so last night I have a melt down.  It wasn't pretty, but it happened so he slept in the living room thinking if by chance I did fall asleep I would sleep better if he wasn't coughing all night next to me.  Well, I did sleep decent until 1:45 this morning, but then my mind wouldn't shut off and I realized he wasn't in bed.  :(  Then we get to work and I had one of my big meetings first thing so after my meeting he comes to my desk and says, since you've had a rough couple of days I want to give you something.  Now, most of you who know us know that this could have been expensive... :)  Lucky for me, it wasn't like that at all.  He said, I am going to give you my rock.  I was like, what?  He literally hands me a rock.  He picked it up when we were in CA at the cross and has been carrying it around in his bag this entire time and said I could hang on to it for a while so it might make me feel better.  Then he tells me not to lose it (really?)  LOL!  That has to be one of the sweetest things he has done in a long time and he does a lot of sweet things.  I just love that man and I don't know what I ever did to deserve him, but I'm certainly glad I did it.

Shhheeewww...

I'm telling you, if I don't get some rest soon I may pull my freshly cut and colored hair out of my head.  I can't get my head to stop racing and I replay everything over and over in my head all stinking night long.  Just as I think I might finally be able to rest my mind and catch a nap, my arm starts itching again.  Really?  Ugh! 
I know this is normal, but I don't have to like it.  I just want to close my eyes at night and go to sleep and not think.  I don't want to remember during this time, I don't want to replay things during this time, I don't want to miss during this time, I just want to rest.  I don't even have to sleep soundly.  I just feel like my entire body needs to be at complete rest for at least one night this week.  Lord, please help me rest. 

My own little pep talk

This little pep talk to myself was really just that.  A pep talk to myself, but if anyone can gain something positive from it then I'm happy to share.  If not, either enjoy reading or ignore this one. 
Ok, so note to self, DO NOT WATCH COMING HOME.  Got it!  Last night I found myself in one of those "I am really missing Chad extra and I think I will have a pity party" moods.  So what do I do...  Well, of course, I watched "Coming Home".  Just so happens that it was about two moms getting the best surprise with their sons coming home to surprise them.  Yes, to answer your question, I was very jealous.  I even felt a little angry for about a split second and then I remembered my own words (and yes, it made me mad at myself, but they were true).  It's not their fault their sons made it home and mine didn't.  It wasn't fair to take that joy away from them.  They were the blessed ones and for whatever reason it was Chad's time to join our heavenly father in heaven.  Got it.  I didn't allow those feelings to stick around long, but I did have a very restless night.  It really wasn't because I was upset that their son came home and mine didn't.  It really wasn't about that.  It was more about wishing I could have had a little more time.  Expereince a few of those things I won't get to experience now and more than anything, it was more of me being thankful that I have no regrets with Chad.  I have nothing "unfinished" with him.  That baby went to heaven knowing I loved him and he went to heaven with me knowing he loved me.  There is some comfort to be had by that.  I won't lie, it's hard.  I hate it, but I refuse to let myself get too lost in all that.  I have work to do and apparently the Lord sees that I have work yet to do as well.  We have this amazing foundation that needs my help to get started and while I can't do it alone, it is impariative that I be a part of kicking it off.  I also still have my bonus kids that I hope still need me.  While they are mostly grown (the youngest one not even 16 yet), I would like to think I still have something to offer them.  I will admit that some days I don't feel like I'm truly needed that much, but mostly because they are old enough and living their lives (as they should) and that's a good thing.  I also have my military bonus kids that still need encouragment and to know I love them and that I'm here should they need me.  Yes, they have their "real" families and I will never take that away, but I do think (for now) I'm still a significant part of their coping and moving forward and I'm grateful for that.  However, knowing all that doesn't change the fact that some days I really hate this situation and wish it would just go away.  That will probably come and go for the rest of my life and whether I like it or not I have to figure out how to get along with that, but I'm so grateful that there are no regrets and nothing I would do differently where Chad is concerned.  I've had people ask if I feel guilty because I could have (potentially) talked him out of deploying.  The answer to that is, yes and no.  Not really "guilty", but wishing the outcome had been different, absolutely!  I tried to always do right by Chad and by doing that I can't have regrets for any advice or guidance I gave him.  If he were standing before me right now with the same question about whether he should deploy or not, I truly believe I would give him the exact same answer.  Now obviously if I knew the outcome I might try to play "God" and tell him no, but we aren't given those options in life so yes, I would give him the same response I did that day.  My son (while he still felt like my curly headed baby boy) was a man.  He was a Marine.  I couldn't have "told" him what to do if I had wanted to, but he did ask me what he should do and I simply told him he had to do what he knew he could lay his head down on his pillow at night and know he did the right thing.  For him, that right thing was to go with his unit to Afghanistan and be the best radio operator he could be.  I've never been so proud of his decision.  As painful as this will always be, it is accompanied by the most pride I think a mom could have for her son.  He really is a true hero to me and I will forever be grateful to him for the man he became and the son he always was. 
Don't feel sorry for me.  You can pray for me all day long and every day if you want, but never feel sorry for me.  I don't need or want pity.  I appreciate all everyone has done for us and all the love and support we continue to get, but I don't think I could handle pity on top of grief.  That would just be terrible.  I will always take prayers and I will always take the encouragment and support and would love all the help we can get with our foundation "Wings for Our Troops in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but there is no time nor good that can come from out right pity.  Besides, that's not the most productive way to spend our time anyway.  So as I have days like yesterday and last night I may repeat my pep talk from time to time and there may even be times that I just allow myself to cry and scream (although I really don't like the anger part of grief, just saying) and I will try to be ok with that.  On those days I will most likely give myself my pep talk and remind myself that there are others in this world that need help and support too and I'm not by myself.  There are those out there that might be hurting and not have the support system I have and that breaks my heart.  I'm fortunate.  I have family and friends that love me and support me unconditionally and that is a blessing all in itself so if I find myself spending too much time feeling sorry for myself I will do my best to remind myself of this fact. 
No parent should loose a child EVER for any reason, but it happens and there will come a day when we will understand why (I can't wait for that day), but until then I will only drive myself crazy if I spend too much time asking that "why" question instead of trying to push through.  I love my son more than I have ever loved another human being and in a way that words will never be able to descibe.  Only a parent can know that kind of love.  No one or anything can ever take that away from me.  I can lay my head down (whether I rest or not) knowing that.  Thank you Lord for blessing me for 22 1/2 years with the most precious son a mom could ever ask for.  Until I see him again in your kingdom hug and kiss him for me every day and continue giving me those rainbows and butterflys to remind me he is with you and happy and safe.  Amen.

What is Gold Star "courtesy of Susan Templeton"

Gold Star

I was just like the most of the world and had never head of "Gold Star Mom" or "Gold Star Families". Unfortunately now, I'm all too familiar with this term and what it actually stands for. For those that don't know, Gold Star Mom or Father or Families means they have lost a family member in combat. Now that I'm a Gold Star Mom I am embarrassed that I never knew what this was, but like Susan I am determined that all Amercians are educated and remember that there are sacrifices being made not only by the Marine or Soldier, but entire families. She shared a poem that I truly needed this week and I want to take the liberty to share it with you as well. There are two actually...

A Poem for Gold Star Mothers,


Mom, I had a fall today. I bruised my knee
I was running home from school with my first report card
I was so proud and wanted you to see my first Gold Star
You came running so fast and blew that magic air on my bleeding knee
How could such a simple act make that knee feel so much better




Mom, I had a fall today. I bumped my head
It was my first day without the training wheels
You and Dad were clapping so hard that I turned to see you
The tree did not move out of my way and my head hit the branch
It was the first time I heard you say, Let me kiss it and make it feel better, and it did
Mom, are all Moms magic like you




Mom, I had a fall today but this one hurt my heart
I thought my first love would last forever
When she left I thought the world would end
This time it was I who was running to you, and you were there
You gave me the magic Mom hug and a lesson in life that we must walk through each valley
To be able to climb the next mountain



Mom, I had a fall today, this was a bad one
You were so far away, I could not run to you, or you to me
In those last few moments I could feel your breath
I felt your lips touch my forehead
When I felt your arms I closed my eyes the pain was gone
The Gold Start you carry now has me inside
I go with you wherever you go and my love will live in your soul
Till our two souls are together again

Robert Foster September 25, 2005


The Gold Star Mother's Prayer
I know dear sons and daughters
I know just where you are.
I feel your arms around me
I know you're never far.
And though my heart is heavy
and I wonder how to go on,
I feel your arms around me
and I know that you're not far.
So I will stand tall and proudly for everyone to see
How very proud I am of you... and pray you'll be proud of me.


So thank you, Susan, for sharing this, because my heart truly needed those words this week. I've struggled and been very weepy, but this did provide comfort.

Love,
Momma Bear
Gold Star Mom of CPL Chad S Wade (5-25-88 --- 12-1-10)

Gold Star

Aren't kids just the cutest?

So today I was inspired to display a few pictures of some little characters that are just the cutest things when my Bestie sent me a picture of her youngest, Sam, with his face painted when she picked him up from daycare yesterday.  He is the cutest thing anyway and this picture just made my whole heart smile.  Then I was listening to my iPod and there was a Brittany Spears song on that I liked and me and Paige started talking about Chad having a huge crush on her and that girl's poster in his room forever.  LOL!  Too funny.  Of course as he got a little older he denied ever having her poster, but knowing me like I do, I'm pretty sure I still have that poster in his keepsake box.  ROFL...  So I decided I would just share a few pictures that I had handy of some kids in my life just being... well, kids and loving life!  Enjoy....

Chad & Jess

Chad & Jorden

Caleb

Kayla

Bahaha... check out Jess & Chad

Spiderman Sam!

LOL!! I'm pretty sure that's Chip!

Saying "Hey Momma"!

Kayla "little piggy" Wilson

Peanut and her girlfrans....

Myka cheesing...

Noahh (I'm sure cheering for the VOLS)

Scooter showing off his military haircut!

How do you not just love kids when they are just being kids.... I have so many more pictures, but it only allows you to share so many at one time.... I will share more next time!  I hope it made everyone who read this smile a little extra today.  You did notice that not all the kids in these pictures were young kids either.  Those are usually the best when you don't get too big to still be a kid!  Love it!

Just in case you were wondering

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (I know, I'd be scared too) about how lucky I am even with our recent tragedy.  I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I have a wonderful husband that truly treats me like a princess (mainly because I will never be old enough to be a queen) and I don't really feel I do anything special to deserve it, but he does it anyway.  We just have a great relationship and I feel so blessed for that.  I could not be going through losing my son without him and I know that.  I have a great family.  We are close and yes we fight, there can be drama, and sometimes we drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day we love each other and we can count on each other when the chips are down.  I have fabulous friends.  I was never one to really have a lot of girlfriends growing up.  My interests just weren't what most girls liked then and I really wasn't sure I would ever have more than my one BFF, but luck would have it that I can proudly say that now I am blessed with many friends and most of them are women (who would have thunk it).  I have amazing bonus kids through Tebo.  They care and they are living very full and happy lives and that is really all we as parents can ask for, right?  I have my bonus kids through the USMC that will never be far from my heart and I have the most precious memories of my sweet son.  We have an amazing foundation we are getting off the ground and it's our hope and prayer that it will make huge differences in people's lives nation wide.
Oh yes, I could focus on those negative things and the bad that's happened, but is it going to bring my son back?  No.  Will it offer anything positive, none that I can think of.  So as I was thinking about things this week (after a really weepy and angry week) and decided that it was time to take control of my emotions.  Trust me, I know I will have more weepy weeks and I pray I have no more angry feelings, because between me and you, I don't like that emotion one little bit.  I think I can embrace those weepy weeks next time a little better than I did last week (I hope) and I will just get through them, but I don't want to forget how lucky I am.
I am meeting new people (while sometimes just through my blog, emails, snail mail, etc.), but still meeting new people every day that want to get involved with the foundation or just offering support and encouragement.  That's big.  I think we as human beings sometimes get a bad rap (sp?) of being too busy to really care or just don't want to be bothered, but that has not been my experience.  Again, I've been very lucky.
So in case you were wondering, I'm okay.  I'm not OKAY, but I'm okay.  I miss my son with every breath I take and I know that will never go away.  I don't really know what my "new normal" is yet, but I'm getting there with every day that passes, but I do know that feeling all the love, care, and support that I have gotten and continue to get helps.  I'm not needy and I would still be fine without it all, but it is nice and I do appreciate how lucky I am.  I would imagine that sadly there could be people out there going through similar situations (which I know there are too many going through this right now) that might not be getting as much of all that as I am, but I pray not.  So I do consider myself very lucky. 
With each day that passes I have to believe that my "new normal" will be revealed to me and I will have the know how to navigate through them.  Until then I will do what my husband told me from Dec. 1, 2010; just one breath at a time babe, that's all you can do.  He was right.  That really is all we can do.

Reminiscing

You know, there really isn't a time of day that I'm not thinking of Chad.  I might be remembering something we did together or wondering what he would be doing today if he were here.  Anything.  It could be small or big, it doesn't really matter.  Point is, there truly isn't a time that I am conscious that he isn't on my mind.  Last night Tebo and I were out to dinner (it was my night to cook) and there was a couple at a table next to us that had a little baby girl.  The parents could have probably been our kids' ages (if you tell anyone I admitted that I will deny it) and their baby girl had to be around 9 months old or so.  She was so cute and was playing the game that all parents have the privilege of playing which is let me drop my cup and see how many times these grown ups will pick it up.  LOL!  It was too cute.  It was cute, because we had paid our dues and played that game over and over and over...  Anyway, all of a sudden I began to tear up.  I would look out the window and keep conversation with Tebo so to keep myself distracted until we could leave.  When we got in the truck I just let the tears flow.  Poor Tebo probably doesn't know what to think at times with me, because apparently I don't really have to have a specific Chad trigger these days, but he is a trooper and just supports and encourages me.  All this weepy stuff started Sunday.  There was no real reason to speak of.  I was ironing clothes and doing my normal weekend chores and all of a sudden the tears would start to roll down my cheeks.  It was odd actually.  Usually when this happens I would have been watching something on TV or reading something or just looking at pictures.  You know, the usual stuff that makes a girl cry.  Well, apparently now all I have to do is breathe.  This went on off and on all day Sunday and then Monday (which Mondays are hard days anyway these days).  Apparently Tuesday wasn't going to be any better.  I went to the cemetery Tuesday at lunch and had some quiet time and just visited a minute and that always makes me feel better, but for some reason it just wasn't enough.  Then at dinner seeing that sweet little girl made me start thinking, OMG!  I will never see what Chad's babies would have looked like.  I will never get to sit and laugh because he picked up that cup or toy 1,000 times before realizing that it was just a game to see how long he would continue to pick it up.  I won't get that call at night saying, "Mom, I don't know what to do, the baby just won't stop crying".  Well there it was... my little pity party.  Yep, it was a good one too.  I cried all night until I finally went to sleep.  I even stayed in the closet (yes, I still get in the closet and sit on the floor when I get real emotional) when my neighbor came over because I couldn't keep myself together enough to even go out and see her.  I don't do this often, but when it happens it almost makes me mad, because there is no controlling it.  Trust me, I know it's "normal".  I know there will be many more days like this and one day I will realize that there are more good days than bad, but right now I seem to be having a week of bad ones.  I know I haven't felt great.  I've had this stupid arm to deal with.  For those that don't know about 6+ weeks ago my left arm started itching like crazy.  It lasted a week and was waking me up at night and there was nothing on my arm (like a rash or anything) so I finally went to the doctor (the first of many visits) to try and figure out what in the world was causing it to itch and now burn like it was.  Well, long story short turns out bumps did finally show up (still only on my left arm) so I went to the dermatologist and they did a biopsy and turns out it was pre-cancer (Squamous Cell Carcinoma).  They froze 23+ spots between my left arm, chest, face, and shoulder.  Turns out if you have persistent itching and burning like that it means the pre-cancer cells are turning into cancer.  Hmmmmm... never knew that.  Now I do.  Any way.  They froze them last Friday and now it is so pretty, NOT!  They are trying to heal (I think) and it looks terrible.  It wasn't itching anymore and was just very uncomfortable.  I can do uncomfortable.  Turns out, itching, not so much.  Well, now the itching is coming back and after calling the nurse (because apparently now I am paranoid) she said it "could" be part of the healing process and it could actually get worse before getting better.  Fabulous.  I go back next Friday morning to make sure the procedure worked and where we go from there, but in the meantime I wouldn't be surprised with all I've been through with this stupid arm if that doesn't have me a bit on edge so I thought that might be lending to some of the emotional stuff.  Of course it doesn't help at all that I miss my son and sometimes feel like my heart will truly break into a million pieces.  So with that and all the emotions I've been reminiscing about him a lot lately.  I would laugh to myself at his air guitar moves when we would be listening to Bob Seger in the car coming home from BoBo and Nana's house.  He has more rhythm in his little finger than I have in my whole body.  Oh and then there is his crazy picky eating habits.  He was very particular about NO mayonaise.  He didn't even want it on his sandwich and wipe it off.  He would literally gag.  I couldn't boil eggs if he was going to be home because the smell alone would make him sick.  He had the weakest little stomach of anyone I know.  Then I would think about how atheletic he was.  He was so fast and one of the best baseball players I've seen.  He just had a natural born talent for sports.  I loved to watch him play anything.  He was a great friend.  He loved his friends and family so much.  He always called me gay when I did or said anything that was so 10 minutes ago.  I would love to hear him say that right now.  I crack up every time I think about how he would make sure his golf shirts (usually Polo) had to be a certain length and had to be the right shirt with the right jeans.  He was hilarious about that.  Oh, as a small child he could not stand the seam in his socks to touch his toes.  I know!  You are thinking, What!  Oh yes.  I cannot tell you how many pairs of socks I went through to find a pair he would wear.  I even (and before I tell you trust me, now I know) took every pair of socks he had in his drawer and trimmed them with scissors so maybe I could get it smooth enough he couldn't feel it.  YES, the first time he put his little sensitive foot in the sock his toes came right out the end.  Go ahead and laugh, because today it's funny.  That day, not so much.  There are so many precious stories I could tell about him, but it would fill volumes of books so I won't bore you with them all today.  I just had to get some of them out so maybe it would help with slowing the tears down long enough to finish my work.  I know he can't read this and I know he knows my heart, but to make me feel better.... Thank you Chadman for all the wonderful memories and being such an amazing son.  I love you and I miss you more than you could fatham and like the song says, if heaven wasn't so far away I would pack a bag and come see you.  I can't promise I would leave, but I would sure come see you.  Give grandmother and Jessica and Janet a big hug for me and know how much you are missed.  Love, momma bear

Mom & Son

So handsome

I love this t-shirt

Oh my

Chad's graduation weekend

Weepy days

I don't know what my issue has been the last couple of days.  It started yesterday when all of a sudden I just started crying for no reason.  I did this off and on all day from probably around noon on. Then today I was thinking I was good and BAM!  Again, the tears just flow for no freaking reason.  Okay, I get it, there is a reason, but usually (for me) there is a trigger.  You know, like "that" commercial, or Extreme Home Make Overs, or Coming Home, or Oprah.  You know, triggers!  Well, apparently, there was no need for triggers these last couple of days, because the tears just flowed way too freely.  I will just say it, I miss my son.  I love him and I miss him like crazy and I don't feel like myself, but at the same time I know how blessed I am.  It's like the true oxymoron and it's hard to balance.  I don't know how to describe it and that is probably the most frustrating part of all this.  There are moments that I just wish I could crawl in a hole and cry without stopping.  Some times I just think that would make me feel better and then again, I know that nothing will make me feel "better" again.  I will be okay and I will survive, but I will never be better than I am right now today.  My one and only child died and I can honestly say I was completely unprepared for it.  I knew he was in danger and I knew it would be a hard deployment, but what I mean by hard is knowing he was in danger (of course), but my true concern was I knew I would get to talk to him much.  How sad that not hearing from him on a regular basis was my biggest fear at the time when now I would give anything just to know he is coming home.  I know now that I will never hear his voice again.  I was worried and concerned with the fact that I wouldn't hear his voice for 7 to 8 months.  If I could have a do over I would take the 7 to 8 months.  Please!
Again, do NOT feel sorry for me.  I don't want pity, I'm just trying to understand myself and explain so if there is a person out there going through anything close to this (I pray not) that maybe they will understand they are not alone.
I won't smell his smell, hear his laugh, see that silly little grin (where he hides his teeth and shouldn't), watch him walk and trying to hold his "too big" pants up with me telling him to pull his pants up....  I miss that!  I want to have to tell him to pull his pants up, or be careful when he leaves the house, or asking him how his day was.  All those things are the things I miss and I miss what could have been.  What would he have been when he got out of the Corps.  Would he have been that police officer he wanted to be?  Would he buy a house or rent an apartment?  Would he have kids right away?  Would he wait and just enjoy being married and out of the Corps for awhile?  Would we start a new tradition with Chad, Katie, Candi, and Nathan on Sundays or Saturday night with a family dinner somewhere?  I don't know...  I will never know. That hurts my heart.  I love my son.  He was the best son there ever was.  I have no regrets with him (thank you Lord).  I don't believe he has any regrets with me.  We had a wonderfully special relationship as momma and son and I wouldn't trade one second of it.  I was and still am blessed.  I'm sadder than I ever thought sad could be, but at the same time full of pride and feel blessed.  I don't know how I got so lucky to be blessed with a son as wonderful as Chad.  Whatever it was or why, I'm forever grateful for that.  While I will live the rest of my life with sadness in my heart, I can also know that I had a relationship with my son that I can cherish the rest of my life.  When I see a rainbow (thank you Jorden) I will know that I am standing under Chad's colors and when I see a butterfly I will know he is thinking of me.  For every tear that falls from my eyes I will know that is a precious memory I am blessed with.  I love you son, momma bear