Weepy days

I don't know what my issue has been the last couple of days.  It started yesterday when all of a sudden I just started crying for no reason.  I did this off and on all day from probably around noon on. Then today I was thinking I was good and BAM!  Again, the tears just flow for no freaking reason.  Okay, I get it, there is a reason, but usually (for me) there is a trigger.  You know, like "that" commercial, or Extreme Home Make Overs, or Coming Home, or Oprah.  You know, triggers!  Well, apparently, there was no need for triggers these last couple of days, because the tears just flowed way too freely.  I will just say it, I miss my son.  I love him and I miss him like crazy and I don't feel like myself, but at the same time I know how blessed I am.  It's like the true oxymoron and it's hard to balance.  I don't know how to describe it and that is probably the most frustrating part of all this.  There are moments that I just wish I could crawl in a hole and cry without stopping.  Some times I just think that would make me feel better and then again, I know that nothing will make me feel "better" again.  I will be okay and I will survive, but I will never be better than I am right now today.  My one and only child died and I can honestly say I was completely unprepared for it.  I knew he was in danger and I knew it would be a hard deployment, but what I mean by hard is knowing he was in danger (of course), but my true concern was I knew I would get to talk to him much.  How sad that not hearing from him on a regular basis was my biggest fear at the time when now I would give anything just to know he is coming home.  I know now that I will never hear his voice again.  I was worried and concerned with the fact that I wouldn't hear his voice for 7 to 8 months.  If I could have a do over I would take the 7 to 8 months.  Please!
Again, do NOT feel sorry for me.  I don't want pity, I'm just trying to understand myself and explain so if there is a person out there going through anything close to this (I pray not) that maybe they will understand they are not alone.
I won't smell his smell, hear his laugh, see that silly little grin (where he hides his teeth and shouldn't), watch him walk and trying to hold his "too big" pants up with me telling him to pull his pants up....  I miss that!  I want to have to tell him to pull his pants up, or be careful when he leaves the house, or asking him how his day was.  All those things are the things I miss and I miss what could have been.  What would he have been when he got out of the Corps.  Would he have been that police officer he wanted to be?  Would he buy a house or rent an apartment?  Would he have kids right away?  Would he wait and just enjoy being married and out of the Corps for awhile?  Would we start a new tradition with Chad, Katie, Candi, and Nathan on Sundays or Saturday night with a family dinner somewhere?  I don't know...  I will never know. That hurts my heart.  I love my son.  He was the best son there ever was.  I have no regrets with him (thank you Lord).  I don't believe he has any regrets with me.  We had a wonderfully special relationship as momma and son and I wouldn't trade one second of it.  I was and still am blessed.  I'm sadder than I ever thought sad could be, but at the same time full of pride and feel blessed.  I don't know how I got so lucky to be blessed with a son as wonderful as Chad.  Whatever it was or why, I'm forever grateful for that.  While I will live the rest of my life with sadness in my heart, I can also know that I had a relationship with my son that I can cherish the rest of my life.  When I see a rainbow (thank you Jorden) I will know that I am standing under Chad's colors and when I see a butterfly I will know he is thinking of me.  For every tear that falls from my eyes I will know that is a precious memory I am blessed with.  I love you son, momma bear