My own little pep talk

This little pep talk to myself was really just that.  A pep talk to myself, but if anyone can gain something positive from it then I'm happy to share.  If not, either enjoy reading or ignore this one. 
Ok, so note to self, DO NOT WATCH COMING HOME.  Got it!  Last night I found myself in one of those "I am really missing Chad extra and I think I will have a pity party" moods.  So what do I do...  Well, of course, I watched "Coming Home".  Just so happens that it was about two moms getting the best surprise with their sons coming home to surprise them.  Yes, to answer your question, I was very jealous.  I even felt a little angry for about a split second and then I remembered my own words (and yes, it made me mad at myself, but they were true).  It's not their fault their sons made it home and mine didn't.  It wasn't fair to take that joy away from them.  They were the blessed ones and for whatever reason it was Chad's time to join our heavenly father in heaven.  Got it.  I didn't allow those feelings to stick around long, but I did have a very restless night.  It really wasn't because I was upset that their son came home and mine didn't.  It really wasn't about that.  It was more about wishing I could have had a little more time.  Expereince a few of those things I won't get to experience now and more than anything, it was more of me being thankful that I have no regrets with Chad.  I have nothing "unfinished" with him.  That baby went to heaven knowing I loved him and he went to heaven with me knowing he loved me.  There is some comfort to be had by that.  I won't lie, it's hard.  I hate it, but I refuse to let myself get too lost in all that.  I have work to do and apparently the Lord sees that I have work yet to do as well.  We have this amazing foundation that needs my help to get started and while I can't do it alone, it is impariative that I be a part of kicking it off.  I also still have my bonus kids that I hope still need me.  While they are mostly grown (the youngest one not even 16 yet), I would like to think I still have something to offer them.  I will admit that some days I don't feel like I'm truly needed that much, but mostly because they are old enough and living their lives (as they should) and that's a good thing.  I also have my military bonus kids that still need encouragment and to know I love them and that I'm here should they need me.  Yes, they have their "real" families and I will never take that away, but I do think (for now) I'm still a significant part of their coping and moving forward and I'm grateful for that.  However, knowing all that doesn't change the fact that some days I really hate this situation and wish it would just go away.  That will probably come and go for the rest of my life and whether I like it or not I have to figure out how to get along with that, but I'm so grateful that there are no regrets and nothing I would do differently where Chad is concerned.  I've had people ask if I feel guilty because I could have (potentially) talked him out of deploying.  The answer to that is, yes and no.  Not really "guilty", but wishing the outcome had been different, absolutely!  I tried to always do right by Chad and by doing that I can't have regrets for any advice or guidance I gave him.  If he were standing before me right now with the same question about whether he should deploy or not, I truly believe I would give him the exact same answer.  Now obviously if I knew the outcome I might try to play "God" and tell him no, but we aren't given those options in life so yes, I would give him the same response I did that day.  My son (while he still felt like my curly headed baby boy) was a man.  He was a Marine.  I couldn't have "told" him what to do if I had wanted to, but he did ask me what he should do and I simply told him he had to do what he knew he could lay his head down on his pillow at night and know he did the right thing.  For him, that right thing was to go with his unit to Afghanistan and be the best radio operator he could be.  I've never been so proud of his decision.  As painful as this will always be, it is accompanied by the most pride I think a mom could have for her son.  He really is a true hero to me and I will forever be grateful to him for the man he became and the son he always was. 
Don't feel sorry for me.  You can pray for me all day long and every day if you want, but never feel sorry for me.  I don't need or want pity.  I appreciate all everyone has done for us and all the love and support we continue to get, but I don't think I could handle pity on top of grief.  That would just be terrible.  I will always take prayers and I will always take the encouragment and support and would love all the help we can get with our foundation "Wings for Our Troops in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but there is no time nor good that can come from out right pity.  Besides, that's not the most productive way to spend our time anyway.  So as I have days like yesterday and last night I may repeat my pep talk from time to time and there may even be times that I just allow myself to cry and scream (although I really don't like the anger part of grief, just saying) and I will try to be ok with that.  On those days I will most likely give myself my pep talk and remind myself that there are others in this world that need help and support too and I'm not by myself.  There are those out there that might be hurting and not have the support system I have and that breaks my heart.  I'm fortunate.  I have family and friends that love me and support me unconditionally and that is a blessing all in itself so if I find myself spending too much time feeling sorry for myself I will do my best to remind myself of this fact. 
No parent should loose a child EVER for any reason, but it happens and there will come a day when we will understand why (I can't wait for that day), but until then I will only drive myself crazy if I spend too much time asking that "why" question instead of trying to push through.  I love my son more than I have ever loved another human being and in a way that words will never be able to descibe.  Only a parent can know that kind of love.  No one or anything can ever take that away from me.  I can lay my head down (whether I rest or not) knowing that.  Thank you Lord for blessing me for 22 1/2 years with the most precious son a mom could ever ask for.  Until I see him again in your kingdom hug and kiss him for me every day and continue giving me those rainbows and butterflys to remind me he is with you and happy and safe.  Amen.