Reminiscing

You know, there really isn't a time of day that I'm not thinking of Chad.  I might be remembering something we did together or wondering what he would be doing today if he were here.  Anything.  It could be small or big, it doesn't really matter.  Point is, there truly isn't a time that I am conscious that he isn't on my mind.  Last night Tebo and I were out to dinner (it was my night to cook) and there was a couple at a table next to us that had a little baby girl.  The parents could have probably been our kids' ages (if you tell anyone I admitted that I will deny it) and their baby girl had to be around 9 months old or so.  She was so cute and was playing the game that all parents have the privilege of playing which is let me drop my cup and see how many times these grown ups will pick it up.  LOL!  It was too cute.  It was cute, because we had paid our dues and played that game over and over and over...  Anyway, all of a sudden I began to tear up.  I would look out the window and keep conversation with Tebo so to keep myself distracted until we could leave.  When we got in the truck I just let the tears flow.  Poor Tebo probably doesn't know what to think at times with me, because apparently I don't really have to have a specific Chad trigger these days, but he is a trooper and just supports and encourages me.  All this weepy stuff started Sunday.  There was no real reason to speak of.  I was ironing clothes and doing my normal weekend chores and all of a sudden the tears would start to roll down my cheeks.  It was odd actually.  Usually when this happens I would have been watching something on TV or reading something or just looking at pictures.  You know, the usual stuff that makes a girl cry.  Well, apparently now all I have to do is breathe.  This went on off and on all day Sunday and then Monday (which Mondays are hard days anyway these days).  Apparently Tuesday wasn't going to be any better.  I went to the cemetery Tuesday at lunch and had some quiet time and just visited a minute and that always makes me feel better, but for some reason it just wasn't enough.  Then at dinner seeing that sweet little girl made me start thinking, OMG!  I will never see what Chad's babies would have looked like.  I will never get to sit and laugh because he picked up that cup or toy 1,000 times before realizing that it was just a game to see how long he would continue to pick it up.  I won't get that call at night saying, "Mom, I don't know what to do, the baby just won't stop crying".  Well there it was... my little pity party.  Yep, it was a good one too.  I cried all night until I finally went to sleep.  I even stayed in the closet (yes, I still get in the closet and sit on the floor when I get real emotional) when my neighbor came over because I couldn't keep myself together enough to even go out and see her.  I don't do this often, but when it happens it almost makes me mad, because there is no controlling it.  Trust me, I know it's "normal".  I know there will be many more days like this and one day I will realize that there are more good days than bad, but right now I seem to be having a week of bad ones.  I know I haven't felt great.  I've had this stupid arm to deal with.  For those that don't know about 6+ weeks ago my left arm started itching like crazy.  It lasted a week and was waking me up at night and there was nothing on my arm (like a rash or anything) so I finally went to the doctor (the first of many visits) to try and figure out what in the world was causing it to itch and now burn like it was.  Well, long story short turns out bumps did finally show up (still only on my left arm) so I went to the dermatologist and they did a biopsy and turns out it was pre-cancer (Squamous Cell Carcinoma).  They froze 23+ spots between my left arm, chest, face, and shoulder.  Turns out if you have persistent itching and burning like that it means the pre-cancer cells are turning into cancer.  Hmmmmm... never knew that.  Now I do.  Any way.  They froze them last Friday and now it is so pretty, NOT!  They are trying to heal (I think) and it looks terrible.  It wasn't itching anymore and was just very uncomfortable.  I can do uncomfortable.  Turns out, itching, not so much.  Well, now the itching is coming back and after calling the nurse (because apparently now I am paranoid) she said it "could" be part of the healing process and it could actually get worse before getting better.  Fabulous.  I go back next Friday morning to make sure the procedure worked and where we go from there, but in the meantime I wouldn't be surprised with all I've been through with this stupid arm if that doesn't have me a bit on edge so I thought that might be lending to some of the emotional stuff.  Of course it doesn't help at all that I miss my son and sometimes feel like my heart will truly break into a million pieces.  So with that and all the emotions I've been reminiscing about him a lot lately.  I would laugh to myself at his air guitar moves when we would be listening to Bob Seger in the car coming home from BoBo and Nana's house.  He has more rhythm in his little finger than I have in my whole body.  Oh and then there is his crazy picky eating habits.  He was very particular about NO mayonaise.  He didn't even want it on his sandwich and wipe it off.  He would literally gag.  I couldn't boil eggs if he was going to be home because the smell alone would make him sick.  He had the weakest little stomach of anyone I know.  Then I would think about how atheletic he was.  He was so fast and one of the best baseball players I've seen.  He just had a natural born talent for sports.  I loved to watch him play anything.  He was a great friend.  He loved his friends and family so much.  He always called me gay when I did or said anything that was so 10 minutes ago.  I would love to hear him say that right now.  I crack up every time I think about how he would make sure his golf shirts (usually Polo) had to be a certain length and had to be the right shirt with the right jeans.  He was hilarious about that.  Oh, as a small child he could not stand the seam in his socks to touch his toes.  I know!  You are thinking, What!  Oh yes.  I cannot tell you how many pairs of socks I went through to find a pair he would wear.  I even (and before I tell you trust me, now I know) took every pair of socks he had in his drawer and trimmed them with scissors so maybe I could get it smooth enough he couldn't feel it.  YES, the first time he put his little sensitive foot in the sock his toes came right out the end.  Go ahead and laugh, because today it's funny.  That day, not so much.  There are so many precious stories I could tell about him, but it would fill volumes of books so I won't bore you with them all today.  I just had to get some of them out so maybe it would help with slowing the tears down long enough to finish my work.  I know he can't read this and I know he knows my heart, but to make me feel better.... Thank you Chadman for all the wonderful memories and being such an amazing son.  I love you and I miss you more than you could fatham and like the song says, if heaven wasn't so far away I would pack a bag and come see you.  I can't promise I would leave, but I would sure come see you.  Give grandmother and Jessica and Janet a big hug for me and know how much you are missed.  Love, momma bear

Mom & Son

So handsome

I love this t-shirt

Oh my

Chad's graduation weekend