I think for the most part mom's have the same dream. Raise healthy and well rounded children and teach them to be good people. I had those same dreams and I do feel like I did a pretty good job of achieving that with Chad. Obviously with him being an only child it probably made it a bit easier to dote on him and give my full attention (ok, he might have felt smothered at times), but there were still dreams I had beyond that.
Like most parents, I wanted to make life easier for him than maybe I had (although my childhood was pretty amazing). However, being a single mom with little to no support (financially), it made it difficult for me to give him material things like most of his friends had. Yes, he had to buy his own vehicles, pay his own insurance, pay for his own cell phone bill (once he began working), and buy his own gas to run around. I wish I could have given him those things in a way and in another way, I do feel like this built his character and taught him the appreciation of hard work and the value of money. There is still a piece of me that wishes I could have done more in that aspect of raising him, but you can't go back and change history and I'm truly ok with the way things played out.
One of my dreams did come true. I had always wanted a daughter and since I knew Chad was the only child I would have that made it a tad hard for me to fulfill that dream, but besides my bonus daughters from Tebo, Chad gave me a daughter when he married Katie. I was thrilled. I thought, ok, this will be my chance to see what it's like to have a daughter. It was wonderful feeling that way, however, they moved so quickly to CA and then after a year he was gone that it as a fleeting moment, so it seemed. I am fortunate enough to still have Tebo's daughters (my bonus daughters) and I wouldn't trade that for anything. There is a huge part of me that still wishes I had that mother/daughter relationship with Katie, but she needs to move forward in her life and have a very happy and blessed future and I am afraid I would hold her back from that and I would never want to do that. I'm tickled that I was able to experience that and watch my son get married. There are many moms/parents that don't get that chance and I'm certainly blessed that I did.
I had dreams of him becoming a police officer one day and I know he would have been great at that. He joined the Marine Corps and I couldn't have been more proud and more scared at the same time. Once he made it through his first deployment in Iraq I thought, ok, we only have one more to go and then he will be completed with his contract and can move back to AR and start working as a police officer or whatever he chose to do and at some point begin having babies. I dreamed of being in CA when he arrived home from Afghanistan and handing him his birthday gift of an autographed photo of Peyton Manning and just celebrating the fact that he would not have to deploy again and would be home very soon where I just knew he would be safer. When the news came on Dec. 1, 2010 that he would not be coming home alive those dreams were crushed. I would never have the chance to have those same dreams again. There could be no substitutes or filling those with other dreams as they just would not be the same.
I don't really know what my dreams are today. I know I have hopes and aspirations for my bonus kids with Tebo and their lives and the same for the bonus boys with the Marine Corps and school buddies of Chad's that I will hopefully be able to enjoy and watch from the sidelines. I will be blessed to have those, but they won't be the same as it being Chad.
I don't really have anywhere speicific I was going with this post today. I just haven't been able to clear my head lately and at night when I do close my eyes I see things and think of things that just do not allow my mind to rest. Maybe just getting some of this in black and white will help this mind rest at some point.
I'm blessed beyond words in life so don't get me wrong there. I have an amazing husband, bonus kids, family, and friends that help me get through each and every day as gracefully as I possibly can. There are total strangers at times that support and encourage me many times over and that does warm my heart, but there is such a hole in my heart that will never be filled and there are days that it is harder to work around that hole than others. I guess this month has been one of those months where that is just harder to do than others.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Happy Golden Birthday
Like I've said before, Memorial Day weekend is a hard one for me for obvious reasons, but also because Chad's birthday is today (May 25th). Talk about an ocean of emotion.
I was a single mom for most. Of Chad's life on earth. His father and I divorced before he was four years old and while I did remarry at one point before Tebo, I was still very much a single mom with no help from either man with anything. It was always just me and Chad. I was lucky to have great friends and a wonderful family so if I needed something they were there, but raising him, it was all me. Turns out, I wouldn't trade that for all the money in this world.
Chad and I were very close. I could be suffocating at times (I can own it), but I spent every moment of every day trying to protect him and make sure he had the necessities and most importantly I wanted him to feel loved and be a good person.
I'm lucky enough to be witnessing just how good a person/friend he was to so many. I could try to give you examples and even tell you how that makes my heart feels knowing this, but there just aren't enough adjectives to do it justice.
Today Tebo and I went to the cemetery. I bought a bouquet of flowers yesterday to take with us and babied them all day to make sure they looked as beautiful today as they did yesterday. We get about 10 minutes down the highway and I realized I forgot the flowers (really?). Of course my husband never bats an eye and we stop to get more flowers. Te bouquet I bought yesterday wasn't exactly what I wanted, but they had orange flowers in it and I knew it would be close enough. Well, the ones we found today were perfect! I have no clue the type of flower it is but I didn't care. They were the perfect TN orange flowers. As soon as I saw them I smiled and said. these are perfect. We headed to Fayetteville National Cemetery to Chad's final resting place (on this earth) and the cemetery and I'm sure lots of volunteers had already. Put all the flags out and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We had our time there and just stood quietly to reflect a few moments and went on our way. This is obviously how I would like to celebrate his birthday, but The Lord needed him and this will just be the new way to celebrate the most amazing child I could have ever been blessed to raise for 22 years. For those 22 years and the memories we made and shared will be cherished forever and there is no enemy foreign or domestic that can ever take that away. I would like to thank The Lord now for honoring me with being his momma. He wasn't even supposed to ever be so I'm luckier than I even realize at times.
I would have laid my life down for his to continue and given a do over that is what I would do, but as we all know, we aren't given that option in life and while it sucks big time, we can't change that.
I have to say that out of all the sadness and pain, I've been blessed. I have approximately 150 Marines and some have spouses that have become our "bonus" kids. They make sure they check on us on a regular basis. They each honor Chad in different ways. Some get tattoos, some keep his pictures all around them, some name their children after him (probably the most flattering thing I can imagine), and others either purchase things in his memory or help us with our Wings for Our Troops "in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but the biggest thing these young men and women do is make sure they reach out to me often. They will either call or text or send flowers for Mother's Day or his birthday or special occasion. Theses men and women do not have to do this, they want to do it. You always know the difference and this I know to be their true hearts. I will never be able to repay them for how they have honored and continue to honor Chad by taking care of his/their momma bear.
I'm also fortunate enough to have Tebo's kids in my life. They each have their own special relationship with me each unique to them and it does give me a lot of happiness knowing they are there. Even if we don't see each of them every day or even once a week or more, if I needed them, I know they would be there. There is a lot of comfort in knowing that.
With Memorial Day on Monday, I hope everyone helps others understand the true meaning of this Holiday. It is to remember and honor those fallen heroes. However, here is my take on this Holiday. Yes, remember and honor those fallen heroes and take time out of the celebrating to truly do that and thank them for their ultimate sacrifice. In addition to this, I would ask/encourage you to make sure any veteran (regardless of age) knows your gratitude. There are many that don't think about our military until some dramatic event takes place. I'm ashamed to say that before Chad enlisted I was one of those people. I would thank them (especially my dad who is also a Marine) on Veteran's Day, but the rest of the year I didn't give it a lot of thought until 9/11 and it only magnified once my only biological child enlisted during war time. Now I have such a heart and passion for our service men/women and I feel that I personally cannot do enough to show my gratitude.
So remember and honor those fallen heroes and their families that will never get over their loss and include those that are still with us while they can appreciate your thanks.
Happy Memorial Day and Chad, not a moment when I am breathing am I not missing you. You have always been my heart, you have always been my hero, now you are my angel. Love, momma bear. To all our veterans currently serving or not, THANK YOU for all you do and sacrifice for all of us and to Chad's fellow Marines (and school friends), THANK YOU for loving him so much and loving us in his place. We will be forever grateful.
I was a single mom for most. Of Chad's life on earth. His father and I divorced before he was four years old and while I did remarry at one point before Tebo, I was still very much a single mom with no help from either man with anything. It was always just me and Chad. I was lucky to have great friends and a wonderful family so if I needed something they were there, but raising him, it was all me. Turns out, I wouldn't trade that for all the money in this world.
Chad and I were very close. I could be suffocating at times (I can own it), but I spent every moment of every day trying to protect him and make sure he had the necessities and most importantly I wanted him to feel loved and be a good person.
I'm lucky enough to be witnessing just how good a person/friend he was to so many. I could try to give you examples and even tell you how that makes my heart feels knowing this, but there just aren't enough adjectives to do it justice.
Today Tebo and I went to the cemetery. I bought a bouquet of flowers yesterday to take with us and babied them all day to make sure they looked as beautiful today as they did yesterday. We get about 10 minutes down the highway and I realized I forgot the flowers (really?). Of course my husband never bats an eye and we stop to get more flowers. Te bouquet I bought yesterday wasn't exactly what I wanted, but they had orange flowers in it and I knew it would be close enough. Well, the ones we found today were perfect! I have no clue the type of flower it is but I didn't care. They were the perfect TN orange flowers. As soon as I saw them I smiled and said. these are perfect. We headed to Fayetteville National Cemetery to Chad's final resting place (on this earth) and the cemetery and I'm sure lots of volunteers had already. Put all the flags out and it was a beautiful sight to behold. We had our time there and just stood quietly to reflect a few moments and went on our way. This is obviously how I would like to celebrate his birthday, but The Lord needed him and this will just be the new way to celebrate the most amazing child I could have ever been blessed to raise for 22 years. For those 22 years and the memories we made and shared will be cherished forever and there is no enemy foreign or domestic that can ever take that away. I would like to thank The Lord now for honoring me with being his momma. He wasn't even supposed to ever be so I'm luckier than I even realize at times.
I would have laid my life down for his to continue and given a do over that is what I would do, but as we all know, we aren't given that option in life and while it sucks big time, we can't change that.
I have to say that out of all the sadness and pain, I've been blessed. I have approximately 150 Marines and some have spouses that have become our "bonus" kids. They make sure they check on us on a regular basis. They each honor Chad in different ways. Some get tattoos, some keep his pictures all around them, some name their children after him (probably the most flattering thing I can imagine), and others either purchase things in his memory or help us with our Wings for Our Troops "in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but the biggest thing these young men and women do is make sure they reach out to me often. They will either call or text or send flowers for Mother's Day or his birthday or special occasion. Theses men and women do not have to do this, they want to do it. You always know the difference and this I know to be their true hearts. I will never be able to repay them for how they have honored and continue to honor Chad by taking care of his/their momma bear.
I'm also fortunate enough to have Tebo's kids in my life. They each have their own special relationship with me each unique to them and it does give me a lot of happiness knowing they are there. Even if we don't see each of them every day or even once a week or more, if I needed them, I know they would be there. There is a lot of comfort in knowing that.
With Memorial Day on Monday, I hope everyone helps others understand the true meaning of this Holiday. It is to remember and honor those fallen heroes. However, here is my take on this Holiday. Yes, remember and honor those fallen heroes and take time out of the celebrating to truly do that and thank them for their ultimate sacrifice. In addition to this, I would ask/encourage you to make sure any veteran (regardless of age) knows your gratitude. There are many that don't think about our military until some dramatic event takes place. I'm ashamed to say that before Chad enlisted I was one of those people. I would thank them (especially my dad who is also a Marine) on Veteran's Day, but the rest of the year I didn't give it a lot of thought until 9/11 and it only magnified once my only biological child enlisted during war time. Now I have such a heart and passion for our service men/women and I feel that I personally cannot do enough to show my gratitude.
So remember and honor those fallen heroes and their families that will never get over their loss and include those that are still with us while they can appreciate your thanks.
Happy Memorial Day and Chad, not a moment when I am breathing am I not missing you. You have always been my heart, you have always been my hero, now you are my angel. Love, momma bear. To all our veterans currently serving or not, THANK YOU for all you do and sacrifice for all of us and to Chad's fellow Marines (and school friends), THANK YOU for loving him so much and loving us in his place. We will be forever grateful.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Wife's Day
Well, it's that time of year that I've come to actually dread. I know I shouldn't and I do feel bad for how I feel about this, but honestly I feel I was defined as Chad's mom since 1988. It is really hard for me to even feel like celebrating Mother's Day when I don't feel like a mom. I know, I will always be his mom. I've heard it a million times, but that does not change the fact that when I get up Sunday morning I won't be getting that phone call, visit, or card from him telling me happy Mother's Day. I know I'm a surrogate mom to many and I am so grateful for that, but it still does not take the sting of not having Chad here away.
I know I should be focused on my moms and making this day for them special and in my heart that's what I want to do, but then all this other creeps in and makes it so hard that really all I would like to do is cry.
I'm so fortunate to have Tebo in my life and to understand how hard this is so in our house we have adopted the term "wife's day" instead. I like that term better for me, but I know I can't take away from Mother's Day from my moms. This is where I really battle with doing something for me or doing something with them. I prefer to just stay home and be quiet with myself, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and just not be with them so I find myself in quite the predicament.
Suggestions are welcome if you have ever found yourself in this situation. I can't promise I will apply them, but I will certainly consider them.
For all you out there that are moms, I would like to wish you an early happy Mother's Day!
I know I should be focused on my moms and making this day for them special and in my heart that's what I want to do, but then all this other creeps in and makes it so hard that really all I would like to do is cry.
I'm so fortunate to have Tebo in my life and to understand how hard this is so in our house we have adopted the term "wife's day" instead. I like that term better for me, but I know I can't take away from Mother's Day from my moms. This is where I really battle with doing something for me or doing something with them. I prefer to just stay home and be quiet with myself, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and just not be with them so I find myself in quite the predicament.
Suggestions are welcome if you have ever found yourself in this situation. I can't promise I will apply them, but I will certainly consider them.
For all you out there that are moms, I would like to wish you an early happy Mother's Day!
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