If you know me

If you know me at all, you know I am very much a planner.  I am a creature of habit and that is probably putting it midly.  Tebo would tell you that I am OCD (I actually like CDO better), but I'm not.  I just know what I like and I like things the way I like them.  I would have to believe that most people are that way.  I just go to extra lengths to make sure things are like I like them at home and in my work space (that I can control that is), but at least I don't require others to always do these things for me. 
As most that keep up with us know, we have listed our house and are planning to purchase a new one if (when) ours sells.  When Tebo first mentioned selling I didn't bother to pause, I just said no.  Then I realized that my reasons for immediately saying no (which I recognize was very unfair) were really not great reasons.  They were actually silly reasons to be quite honest.  The things that were keeping me from wanting to move were things I would be moving with me and the memories will follow me wherever I go.  My head knew that, but my heart was having a difficult time catching up.  Finally my heart caught up and I was on board with listing and selling our house and looking for a new one.  Let me tell you, looking for a house for us is not unpleasant, but it is not for the faint of heart.  Tebo could probably look at 1 to 3 houses and make his decision and be great with it.  Me, not so much.  We have now looked at 49 individual homes and some of those we have seen multiple times.  Now you might be thinking, good grief girl, aren't they all running together now?  Not really, because remember, I am a planner so I have a folder with all my notes written down and pictures to go along with them so I'm good there.  Anyway, we made our final decision (which technically was one of the very first homes we looked at and liked) and made an offer contingent on the sell and closing of our home.  You would think since it's a contingency offer and no risk to us that I would have no reason to fret over that.  Well, one would think, but again, if you know me, you know better.  Once Tebo said, accpet the counter offer I literally waited an hour before responding to the realtor.  Once I did respond and give her our answer I felt so much anxiety.  I don't know why, again, if you know me.  Sometimes it takes me a few hours or days to process everything and get my head around it and once I'm there I'm good.  I'm almost there. 
So, I say all that to say this... I tried to read as much as I could to prepare myself on what to expect with the grief of losing Chad (yes, true planner).  I would see what I could expect or what I might feel and more importantly, things NOT to do in that first year.  One of the big things was to not make a major move (house) within that first year or major financial decisions.  Well, we didn't.  It's been two years and I can tell you that two years later is no easier than I think it would have been last year.  I know, I know... They say that because you may not be making those decisions with a "clear" head.  Well, I'm not so sure how "clear" my head is now, but I would imagine that the decision is made now less on emotion and more on practicality so I get it. 
I have actually found the craziest reasons to change my mind about moving.  First was just moving Chad's bat and some of the things that are still hanging in the same closet where he left them.  I know, it makes no real sense, but to me it seemed huge.  Ok, so Tebo (because he is just this freaking amazing) decided that Chad needed his own room in the new house.  Perfect!  Now I felt like I could breathe a little easier and it felt better.  Of course this was a struggle before we found "the house" and I found myself fretting over that.  Really?  Good grief.  Well, again, if you know me, this makes perfect sense.  So, now we have the house picked out and I've determined which room I want to be his and I "think" I've determined what color scheme I want to use in his room (subject to change).  Now comes another really silly fret.  I have a window seat in the front room of our current home and it is absolutely full of everything Chad related since he passed away.  Everything from the Marine Corps, the White House, etc.  You can't imagine all the "stuff" we have received and I have no clue what to do with it all.  My "winter project" this year was going to be to go through all that stuff and figure that out and then we got the grand idea to sell and move so I had to postpone my "winter project".  I know it is the craziest thing for most people to think why I would even fret over something like that, but that's just me. 
I'm certain when it comes to actually packing up the house there will be moments that cause me to pause a moment and reflect and most likley cry and there will be other times that I am sure I will just be plugging right along.  However, I will tell you that the one thing that will be very difficult to leave will be our Chad tree.  It hasn't gotten very big, but it's there and it's our Chad tree.  I can't just pull it out of the ground and take it with me.  It will be hard to leave it.  I know, it's a tree, but it's our tree and it means something very important to us.  Then we have that amazing entrance to our neighborhood that our neighbors placed a flag and a memorial stone for Chad just as you pull in.  How will it be not to see that twice (or more) a day every day?  I don't know.  It's not like Chad is there or I can't drive by when I need to take a look.  It's just the thought of what it stands for that makes it hard. 
This won't be the hardest thing we do and it won't be the last time we are faced with struggles like this, but when they hit it's hard for it not to make an impact.  I will get over it and I will move and I will be just fine.  I know this, because as crazy as I am, I do have a sensible side. 
I was tenderly reminded today by a friend (who has also lost an only child) that all these crazy feelings and thoughts I'm having are "normal".  Shew, that was good to hear, because I'm telling you, I've started to wonder about myself so I can't imagine what my poor husband has been thinking.  Bless his heart.
I love the idea of having a chance for a fresh start in a new house and hopefully walking through the house won't be as painful as some days it can be in our current home, but I can love the idea and be scared to death at the same time.
One of the ways I decided I could still feel like I had some control was in the area of packing and moving our stuff.  Tebo was going to hire someone to do all that for us and I know it would make things so much easier, but honestly, I need that control and I need to plan it out my way and organize it my way and maybe that will actually give me a little peace to get through this move without losing my ever loving mind.  Yes, for those wondering, I already have my plan and the process in which I will pack, label boxes, and label the new rooms for this move.  That was already decided shortly after making the decision to actually move.  I have a general idea of how I will tackle the window seat full of the Chad stuff and while I have no intentions of trying to go through and sort out all that stuff, I do know that I will pack that completely separately from everything else and label it a certain way that I know what it is when others may not.  Those little weird things will certainly help me get through this process.
What I didn't plan for that has made me feel completely and utterly out of control is the wave of emotions that would come with not only the move, but being ok with the move.  I feel almost like I'm cheating Chad or disrespecting him or something.  I can't put those feelings into words yet, but that's kind of how it feels for whatever reason.  I know I will get past it and it may take being in the new house for a while before I get there, but I know I will eventually make it.  I just have to figure out my plan for dealing with these feelings and once I've done that I believe it will go a little smoother.
Now for Tebo's sake I pray I can get this plan ironed out quickly and as painless as possible or he may just run away.  So far he has been a dream, but how much can one man take?  Hopefully a lot!  :) 
The planner in me will eventually figure it all out and I'm sure things will work out just the way they are suppose to, but until this plan is completely done I will have days when I just need to be quiet or busy myself with cleaning or just simply spent some quiet time at the cemetery.  Whatever it takes I know it will happen.  I just have to get my head around it all and once that happens my family and friends better get their roller skates on to keep up, because there will be no stopping or slowing me down. 
If you don't mind saying a little prayer for me when you think about it I would grately appreciate it.  I can usually keep the anxiety under control and just below the surface so hopefully others don't always know when it's going on, but there are days that I just can't rise above it and it gets the better of me.  I do try, but I do fail a lot.  Please and thank you!