Randomness...

It still amazes me that the most random thing can trigger emotions in me these days.  I've always had a tender heart and could cry sometimes at the drop of a hat, but weap?  I can be driving down the road and a song can come on (especially "I drive your truck" by Lee Brice) and the tears flow like I opened a dam.  Other days I don't shed a tear and other days I can't stop them regardless what I do.
All the tears that flow are sad tears though.  Just because I'm thinking of Chad doesn't mean it's a sad thought.  Yes, my heart is always sad from missing him and wishing I could touch him, smell, kiss his head, etc., but it might be happy memories that make me cry.
It's funny the things at times that trigger those feelings.  Once I was thinking about the fact that Peyton Manning is no longer with the Colts and I teared up thinking what would Chad think of that.  His buddies get married or have babies and I think, oh gosh, what would Chad say?  I see my nieces and nephews have major things happen in their life and I think of how Chad would feel or respond.  It's hard to think there is so much I won't be able to share with him anymore and there are times when those feelings make my heart feel so heavy (physically) that I find it hard to breathe. 
I'm grateful he will never have to suffer again or feel pain or be sad, but that doesn't take all these emotions that run rampid through my heart and head daily.
Most nights I lay in bed and try to force myself to fall asleep and the nights when I try so hard to sleep is usually when the emotions get the better of me and then I may fall asleep and cat nap, but every time I awake I am thinking of Chad.  Those thoughts aren't anything in particular for the most part, they are just me thinking of him.
It is countless the times something will happen or I hear something and the first thing I think is I really need to tell Chad this or show him that.  That seems to be never ending.  I might hear a song or see a show and wish I could call and tell him to watch it or listen to it.  The latest one is Duck Dynasty.  I can't watch that show that I don't think, oh my gosh, Chad would love this!  There are just so many things that I would give anything to share with him or watch his response when he sees or hears something.
My heart aches.  It aches so bad that sometimes I really think I might die of a broken heart, literally. 
It's difficult to describe the way I feel.  When I say my heart aches, I literally feel my heart in my chest feeling very heavy and if a heart could cry I would swear that's what it is doing.  There will be nothing that will take that away or replace it, it is what it is from now until the end of my time on this earth.  All I can do is continue trying to navigate this new life I've been handed and try to do my best to make Chad as proud as I can and to keep his memory alive.  I hope I can do this more times than not, but I will fail and I will feel defeated at times, but I have an amazing family and group of friends that will help me get through it as they have done so far through these two years.  That's really all a person can ask for in circumstances like this.