Seven Hundred & Forty-Nine

Today marks 749 days since Chad left this earth and I've been thinking about him (as usually) a lot.  I've not been sleeping (or at least resting) well the last few weeks and part of it is due to me thinking of him and trying so hard not to forget the sound of his voice, his smell, his laugh, that crooked smile, and that little deformed knuckle from breaking it before enlisting into the Marine Corps.  Am I sad?  Yes, of course I am, but I'm still very proud.  I was chatting with one of my sisters today about Chad, Katie, and how things are now and I found myself longing to know how Katie is.  I pray each day that her life is full and happy and I know one day (if not already) she will find someone to complete her again and that's all I really want for her and I know without a doubt that Chad would want that for her as well. 
You know, we were chatting about what we do for our children and truthfully, there is nothing we wouldn't do for our children.  When you are a mom or a dad, there is truly no limit to what you will endure, accept, do, or sacrifice for our children.  Sometimes our kids don't see it or get it for a long time, but I consider myself very fortunate.  I know without a doubt that Chad knew that.  I can't and won't go into detail as to how I know this, you will just have to trust me on this one, but I do know.  It sometimes takes years for a parent to know that their son or daughter gets it and truly knows that there isn't anything we wouldn't do for them and the sacrifices we made and continue to make for them and with them, but when you get that confirmation it is nothing like it in the world. 
If you are a parent that isn't sure if your child gets it yet or ever will, trust me, they will.  Some take a little longer than others to get there, but they all eventually do get there and you will be so glad you were patient. 
The only time I miss Chad and long for him is when I am breathing.  I know that sounds funny to read, but it's the truth.  If I am breathing I am thinking about him and missing him so much it aches throughout my being.  There isn't anything I can do to change that feeling and honestly I don't think I would (unless it meant he was here of course), but what I can do is continue to do my best to make him proud and hopefully touch other lives the way he touched lives during his short 22 years on this earth. 
I continue to love and support his brothers from the Marine Corps and all the "Nuts" and they hold a place in my heart (all of them) that they may never truly even fathom and that is ok.  They don't have to and that's one of the wonderful things about love.
I will always love Katie for loving Chad and being a wonderful experience that my son had the privilege of experiencing before he died.  There are many people who pass away having never felt that kind of love or they felt it and lost it, but Chad had the privilege of passing away a newly wed and as sad as that is, stop and think how happy that young man truly was.  It's kind of amazing if you think about it like that.
I will never blame anyone, other than the Taliban, for my son's death and even then I guess it's not exactly fair to blame them (even though the human and mom side of me probably will), because it is obvious God needed him more and he was sparing him from a far worst fate and it's hard to be mad at that no matter how badly I miss him and wish he was here.
I will always want to show him a new vehicle we got, or something BoBo says or does (that's a lot), or something funny, or remind him of things he did as a child, or make fun of him when he has had a few too many beers and he gets really funny.  There are always going to be those regrets of missing out on seeing him continue to mature and grow into a man and mising his children.  Those will never go away until we are reunited, but I will continue to find good things through this process.  Honestly, if I don't, I might go crazy!  The only way I can get through this journey is to focus on the good and know that he lived a short life, but it was a good life and I got to share every moment of that life with him and there are parents out there that won't be able to say that and I hate that.  I'm just so grateful that I am not one of those parents and that I can just grieve without the regrets.  I can't imagine the burden of grief with regrets.  I pray for anyone having to deal with that and that you find a way to let any regrets go and just grieve.
I would like to make a special little personal note to all Chad's buddies (USMC or Civilian), please do not mourn his death or have survivor's guilt.  He would not want that and if he had to do exactly what he did on December 1, 2010 today, he would do exactly what he did.  He would have and did give his life for his brothers and that is exactly what any of you would have done for him and don't think he didn't know that, because he did.  I also want to say a special thanks to Emily Honeymann and Justin McQuillan (aka Across the street Justin) and Elizabeth Healy.  Each of them named their 1st child after Chad.  Chad and Katie were the God-Parents to her son, Noahh Stafford (Chad's middle name) and Justin and Beth named their first child Bentley Wade (Chad's last name).  They may never know what that means to know they loved him enough to do that.  Naming all your children is a huge deal, but your first child is epic and the fact that they thought enough of Chad to include his name in their first child's name is just amazing to me.  I will always be grateful to them for that and I know Chad probably puffed his chest out a little further knowing they did that for him.  :)
I miss you son and will always be proud of you!  To this day, although you are not on this earth, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.  Love, momma bear