Monday, January 3, 2011
Sadness
I feel so sad. I feel more sad than I thought would be humanly possible and wonder at times if this will ever get better. I know in my head that it will and I know others (my sister for one) that has gone through the loss of a child and she got better and continues to get better each day, but right now I feel so terrible helpless in controlling my sadness that I actually feel guilty at times for feeling so sad, but I don't know how to feel any other way right now. As odd as this is going to sound I don't feel like a mom anymore. I know everyone says I will always be his mom, but I can't check on him, call him when I need to just hear his voice, or text him during our football games. None of that anymore and it breaks my heart. I know I can talk to him whenever I want, but it's not the same. I have lots of bonus kids, but that's not the same either. It doesn't mean I don't love them all, because I do, but they have a mom. I never could nor would I want to take their real mom's place so it will never be the same. I know I have profoundly been changed forever and I want so badly to have that spark for life back and maybe one day I will get some of it back, but right now it's really not there and I don't want to be in the hussle and bussle of the world carrying on like normal right now. I would rather be at home where it's quiet and just be in my controlled world for a while. I've really had a hard time dealing with the fact that when you give birth to a baby you get anywhere from 6 to 10 weeks paid time off. When you have surgery you can get up to 6 to 8 weeks paid time off, but when you lose your child at any age, but imagine 22 years of being mom to this precious little boy (ok a man, but to me always a little boy) you get 3 days paid time off and anything more you have to use vacation or take unpaid leave. Really? I'm struggling with not being bitter and frakly pissed off about this, but since it's out of my control to change I have to figure a way to deal with it so any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm not accustomed to feeling this kind of bitterness and sadness. That's just not like me at all. I am truly struggling with how to process these feelings and I really don't think speaking to a therapist would be the right avenue for me. I tend to work through my feelings better on my own and through cleaning so I guess that's what I will do, but it sure it hard today. I hope today is just a bad day and tomorrow is better. Thank the Lord I have my wonderful Tebo and family and friends to help me. I don't know where I would be without them.
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Hi Tami,
ReplyDeleteI can't relate to losing a child like Paige can but I do know how it feels to lose your best friend and soul mate and the best husband a girl could ever want. Saturday will be 2 years since I lost Kenny and never a day goes by that I don't talk to him and tell him how much I love him. I know, just as you do, things will never be the same and just as Paige has done since losing Jessica, I am doing better each and every day. There is no magic trick or magic pill that makes everything better. It is a process. You have every right to feel the way you do. Everyone has to process their own feelings in their own way, whether it be through "cleaning" or a therapist or whatever. I have learned through the past couple of years, keeping a journal has helped me. I remember Lynn telling me a long time ago how important her journals had been to her. I had never even tried to do one until Kenny went in the hospital for his last stem cell transplant and never came home. I guess I thought that was my way of striking out when I felt like it, crying when I needed to, as well as any number of other emotions. Most important is you have a wonderful extended family both in Arkansas and here in NC that love and support you. I know if it had not been for my friends and family it would have been a lot harder for me. It seemed someone in that group always had an uncanny way of showing up or calling with just the right thing to say at the right time. Give yourself all the time you need to get through the process. Know you are loved and things WILL get better. Take care of yourself.
Love ya,
Denise