December 1, 2010 - A day that will live forever

I am actually writing this on my phone on our way home from Dover after attending Chad's "Dignified Transfer" back onto U.S. Soil (while on a plane).

Well, on December 1, 2010 at approximately 5:45 pm any parent's worse nightmare came true for us. Two uniformed Marines rang our doorbell to inform us that our son was killed in action in the Helmand Province of Afghanistan. All I remember about that moment is the heartache and I could see in those Marines eyes that this truly was as hard for them to say as it was for me to hear. I kept feeling an overwhelming feeling doubt in my heart that there could be a mistake and that surely they had the wrong address. I should have known right away that the Marine Corps doesn't and never could make that kind of mistake, but for a moment I was sure wishing this was their first time (but would never want another family to feel what we were feeling). I do remember asking Tebo not to let them in and then telling them to please not tell me what they had come to tell me. I didn't want this to be real. My baby boy was gone! I never got to tell him I loved him on our last phone call one week to the day prior to this day and that was all I could think of at the moment. I had not seen his face or touched in in about 8 weeks prior to this and I needed that at that moment more than ever. I can truly say that this experience was exactly like it is portrayed in movies and as much as that always gripped my heart when I saw it in the movies it was so magnified at this moment that words truly cannot explain the feeling and do it any justice. You want to scream, fall, hit, cry, and beg God to give us more time. I wouldn't be doing the Marine Corps justice and especially the fine Marines that have walked every mile with us and Katie throughout this nightmare. We will never be able to repay them or thank them enough. They were warm, caring, touched, broken, and compassionate in such a way that I have never experienced before. They certainly weren't "military" as we all think they are all the time during this entire process. They truly are mourning right along side us for a fallen brother. I, nor do I think anyone else unless you've been in their shoes, can imagine how difficult this job is for anyone to have to perform (and two of our escorts were doing this job for the very first time). Not only has the Marine Corps been amazing throughout this process with us, but so have our family, friends, Tyson Foods, organizations, and complete strangers. I will go into more of how they have all reached out and touched us later when I can, but right now I need the therapy of talking about my baby boy. For the most part of the first 17 years of Chad's life it was me and Chad. I'm so not complaining, because this created a love and a bond and close relationship between us that I pray all parents experience with their children and especially with moms of boys. I would not trade a moment of this journey with him (good or bad/challenging) for anything in this world (well, maybe to have him back). We always had lots of love and support and I had lots of help from my family (especially BoBo) in raising him to be such an amazing young man and I will be forever grateful for that. After all those years of it really just being Chad and I the most amazing man entered our life (Tebo). He helped the two of us walk through some very difficult times of Chad moving from a child/teenager to a young man. For any parent that is quite the challenge, but Tebo did a great job of helping me learn to let go some and showing Chad how to take on that new role as well. It wasn't a piece of cake and there were certainly bumps in the road, but I know graduation, the year after graduation, the day he entered into the Marine Corps, his first deployment, his wedding, his second deployment, and now this I could not have made it through all this without him. God certainly knew what he was doing when he placed us together in the timing that he did and I will be forever thankful for that. He is as broken with all this as though Chad had always been his own son and that is not something most people can say for the Bonus father of their children and I am proud to say that I have one of those special men in my life. I just pray he can hold on to me long enough for me to find my "new normal" without Chad in my life (physically) and doesn't give up on my sadden heart. Chad loved Tebo as well and while he wasn't open or vocal about it he proved it more in one request that he had for Tebo on his pre-deployment leave this last time when he asked Tebo for one day with him (just the two of them). A father's chest swelled up like I had never seen and I was a very proud momma. There were some very hateful people that were in our lives (those people know who they are and will most likely never see this) that actually "blamed" Tebo and I for Chad joining the Marine Corps (to supposedly get away from us). I would like to formally let "those" people know that they could NOT be more wrong! (shame on you for ever letting those words leave your mouth). Chad played like he was a Marine from the time he was literally old enough to even understand soldiers. He talked about it all the time up until he was a junior in high school and then he went for about 2 years saying he wasn't going to join. Once he graduated and had realized college wasn't for him and he spent a year out of school just floating through life he decided if he was going to make something of himself that he needed to do something and enlisting was his decision. Tebo and I asked him to give it 3 months to really think about it and weigh all the pros and cons and after that 3 months he still wanted to enlist we would support him 100%. He not only thought about it, but met with his recruiter, SSGT Lopez, every week and worked out with him and decided this is definitely something he wanted to do. Also, my daddy (aka BoBo) feels guilty about the fact that Chad joined the Marine Corps to follow in his footsteps, but Chad would have had no other branch and he made no bones about that. There is a country song out there (of course I can't remember who sings it or the title), but it talks about a boy joining the military to follow in his father's footsteps. Well, BoBo was more of a father to Chad his entire life than his own biological father ever was and when I hear that song I replace father with BoBo, because Chad always wanted to be just like him, and he accomplished that.

We honored our promise to him and supported him 100% throughout his active duty as a US Marine! We did this with the most pride I think either of us have ever felt and Chad knew this. When he met Katie just before deploying to Iraq he asked me to stay close to her and let her know that he would be back to her and I did just that. I actually ended up basically courting her (I know they don't use that word anymore, but I do so there) throughout his 1st deployment. We even planned a wedding together and when he returned he married his first real girlfriend. They were so in love and I had never seen my son love a woman that much and it filled my heart with such joy to get the chance to experience with him and watch him walk down the aisle. There are many parents of military young men that don't get that opportunity so I am so grateful for that. I promised Chad during all his training when he would be away for days/weeks/months at a time that I would check on her daily to make sure she was okay and I did that. During this last deployment I promised him the same thing and I did that as well. She was amazing to call me every time she heard from him regardless of the day or time and I will forever be indebted to her for that. It made my heart smile when I knew she had heard his voice. I knew he was safe and happy. I know this all sounds odd to most, but these are things parents do for their children so for us it feels like the most natural thing to do (like breathing). I am changed forever. I love my only biological child and one that was so much a part of my heart that I wonder at times if I will ever be able to fill that hole of sadness, but I do know that I have family and friends that love us and will help us through this, but I also have a husband that truly could not be more made for me and I know that will help as well. My heart is still breaking every moment right now and will for a long time to come, but I truly could not be more proud of the son, young man, Marine, husband, and hero my son is and nothing will ever take that away (not even the horrific sadness I feel today).