Sometimes I've wondered...

You know, I told myself last week when I saw the previews for "Army Wives" not to watch it. I even told myself that all day yesterday and told other people I wasn't going to watch it, but what is it about us as human beings that when we know something isn't right for us to watch, we do it anyway. Well, of course I watched it and you know, whether I were in the shoes of Denise or not I would have still cried and hurt for this character as she lost her son in Afghanistan. Needless to say I bawled all night, but as I was watching the show I observed that she stayed very close to her young baby girl that was born just a few months earlier. I had to wonder for a moment if I had another child would some of my grief be transferred to care taking of this other child? Would I have less time to sit with my sad thoughts and just stay focused on caring for this other child? I don't know if I would or not. I do believe that it would help me from just wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear at times, but I wonder. Would it? Would it make me feel stronger or just that I have to feel stronger, because that's what is expected? I do feel like I have to be strong now not having any other children (biological) and some days it's hard to be strong. I do it, because I know that's what I'm suppose to do, but it's not easy. This weekend I found myself not wanting to leave the house (and I didn't) and feeling a bit frustrated when the "Blue Star" mom group came to present us with the Gold Star banner. For some reason I didn't want to hear that her son was blown up by an IED to discover he just had minor memory loss and not enough that he couldn't work. He is alive and well working at Camp Pendleton. That was my first glimpse of anger that I have really felt and then I felt completely and utterly guilty for feeling that way. I can tell you this, I do not like the different stages of grief that we go through. I don't like feeling sad, I certainly don't like feeling angry, and I never want to feel jealous that someone else's son is coming home when mine isn't. That is SO not me. I want everyone to be happy and to see their baby's face so I really hope this feeling leaves as quickly as it has appeared, because I would never want to hold on to that feeling. I did it to myself with the show. I shouldn't have watched it and I knew better, but a part of me just couldn't turn it off. I started watching the "Coming Home" show in Texas on vacation and while it is such a great story and the things they are doing for these families is amazing, but honestly, I find it makes these bad feelings and selfish feelings come up and that's what I don't like. So I've made a promise to myself that I will stop watching both of these shows until I feel I can watch them and truly be happy for the families of these troops coming home and as for "Army Wives", I just need to say no. I've watched the show since it started and I just need to stop. My days are hard enough to muster up the good attitude and energy to go to work and make it through each day with as good a heart as I can without adding negative things to trip me up. That is so what I did last night. I'm sorry for doing that and I am really sorry for the feelings that I had coming up in my heart and mind while I watched them. I will say that they did feature (on "Coming Home") a Marine that was KIA in Afghanistan and showed another Marine that flew a plan that the one that was killed was directing (on the radio) who flew a plane and (just as a Marine would do) he walked from the cemetery to the parents' home of the Marine that passed away to deliver to them the American flag that flew in the cockpit with him as he flew over where their son was killed. It touched my heart. There are very few stories of the parents in these stories because they mainly seem to focus on the spouses and kids (as they should), but it is nice to know these parents were remembered and that Marine went to great lengths to pay respects not only to his parents, but to him. He went to the cemetery first and then walked to the parents' house and it warmed my heart. There is something so amazing about the bond of these band of brothers and these two Marines had never met and he only knew this Marine that died by his call name over the radio. Chad was a radio operator. See why it's hard not to watch some of these shows? It just draws me in, but I have to stop. I don't like the feels that are stirred up when I do watch them. I'm so thankful to have seen the part about the Marines, but I need to make sure I am through feeling a little anger when others go home before I watch much more. I know it's awful. Trust me, I feel worst for feeling these feelings than it might even sound for you to read the words and there is nothing anyone can say to me that will make me feel worst than I already do. Anyone reading this blog has the right to say whatever they want, because I would deserve it. Not only did I feel those feelings for a brief moment (I made myself erase them as quickly as they arrived), but I also post it for others to read so I deserve what I get and I can take it, but trust me, whatever someone may say, I've said it first and probably many times over. I don't have an ugly heart (really I don't), I just have a sad heart right now and maybe for a very long time to come, but I'm working on it. I just pray a lot. That's all I can do.... So until I forgive myself, please forgive me for feeling so selfish. It's not right and I know better.