I truly believe I have the most amazing husband a girl could dream of. He never ceases to amaze me and on a regular basis. We started dating in 2001 and continued dating until we got married in 2005 so we truly were marrying our best friend. I know we both feel that way and I think that is a huge piece of why we have been able to weather some pretty rough waters since we got married. He has had to deal with a lot more than I have especially with losing Chad. I am convinced if it weren't for him I would most likely not be here on this earth today. He has helped me in ways I can't truly explain and most times it is without uttering one word.
When we sold our house and bought a new one I never dreamed it would be that hard. In 24 years I had never moved that Chad wasn't with us (on this earth) so I felt like I was abandoning him or leaving memories behind or something. I can't really explain how I felt, I just knew it didn't feel good. What does my amazing husband do? Well, he decided we needed to pick out a room for Chad, so we did. I never wanted it to be like a shrine and there are times I fear it has become that, but I have to say, each day it feels more like a room he would be proud of. I have little pieces of Chad that I still had in there and while I wish it were more, I've made the best of the few things I do have and they do give me comfrot somehow.
Memorial Day weekend falls on his birthday week/weekend so it is so bitter sweet. There are many who just don't understand why I don't feel like celebrating and joining in on different activities, but I can't. I feel I need that time to be alone with my thoughts and just make it through as that time is typically very emotional for me and I would rather be emotional alone than with anyone else. All I can do is hope they understand and don't take it personally. Most holidays make me feel that way right now and while that might get better, it's not there yet so I can only manage through them the best I can right now and I don't think I'm doing too shabby, especially with Tebo by my side and the family and friends I have that surround me.
This week he showed me yet again how much he is in tune with how my heart feels. I was having a tough week and the only thing I can chalk it up to is the fact that Tuesday, July 2nd marked the anniversary of when Chad signed his official paperwork for his enlistment. I've never been affected like that in the past, but this year it seemed to bother me more and for the first time I had become overcome with guilt and sadness. I didn't mention anything to Tebo (or anyone), but I did send him an email on Tuesday and told him what day it was. I didn't expect anything to come from it, I just wanted him to know. He replied back with "lunch?". I said, that would be nice. We went to lunch and didn't say a whole lot, just sat mostly and chit chatted about nothing much. We did discuss a few ideas for the foundation, but nothing serious went on during that hour. Wednesday we got off work a little early for the holiday and went by the grocery and headed home. We were unloading the groceries and he asked me to check the front porch. I went to look and there was a box. I assumed he just ordered something for the house or whatever. I went back to unloading groceries and when I turned around he was holding out a Blue Nile box. I opened it and it was a beautiful Garnett and silver ring. The Garnett was the shape of a heart and when I asked what it was for he just simply said, I knew you were having a hard week and now you have a piece of my heart on your finger. At that moment I knew it was ok for me to just deal with my emotions the best way I can and I know I will be taken care of. I don't require jewelry or anything like that. It has nothing to do with the material things, it has everything to do with how he just instinctively knows when I need him to show that he is understanding and not upset with me for getting super quiet or stand offish. That's love people. I know he loves me unconditionally and that means more to me than any gift he could ever buy for me.
I know he won't read this blog, because, well, he just doesn't. However, some day I will finally be able to show him how much I appreciate him and all he does for me and the fact that he continues to just be patient while I work through this "new normal" if you will.
Thank you babe and you are loved always and forever.
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