Those who know me well know that I do not do change well. I don't like change and I don't usually just accept it without lots of anxiety and thought. Most of the time once I have made up my mind to accept it I can usually adjust and do just fine, but it isn't without a lot of personal turmoil for me.
We are preparing for a huge change with moving. We sold our current home and have gone under contract with a new one. Most might think, well you should be excited and how fun to be getting a new house. Well, I would with the exception of one huge issue! This is the first time in 24 years I will be moving somewhere that Chad will not be with me (physically). I know he will be with me in my heart and he will have his own room, but unless you have lost a child you can't imagine how difficult it is to just be ok with the fact that he is with us in heart and spirit. It isn't the same. I will never be the same, but this is turning out to be a bigger challenge than I anticipated.
Here are some of the things that have consumed my mind and heart over the last few weeks as I try to prepare myself for this change. First, I will be leaving the last house Chad moved in with us and what if he doesn't know where we are? Well, I know in my head that it won't matter because it's not like he is coming home and won't know where to find me (while the devil makes me feel that way at times), but it still feels a little like I am abandoning him and that feels awful! Second, there are certain things that were placed in that house either by Chad or with me and Chad together that haven't been touched or moved until now. One was his no scent soap I had to wash his hunting clothes in. It has lived in the laundry room from the moment he brought it into the house and that was the first thing I packed in the laundry room box. I couldn't part with it as silly as that might seem. It will have to be in the laundry room at the new house although I know it will never be used again. Second is his baseball cap ceral bowl that I bought him when he was about 3 years old. There is a funny story about this bowl. When we ordered it we (he) really wanted the Braves bowl, but they were out so we ended up getting the White Sox ceral bowl. We always pretended it was the Braves and that child ate his ceral out of that bowl all the way up to 21 years of age when he was home. When I packed the U-Haul for Katie to take to California I just couldn't part with that bowl and he said it's ok momma, I will use it when I am home and he did. It is still sitting in the same spot it has been in since we moved into this house. It will have its place in the new kitchen as well, but it will not be easy to pack that bowl. The third thing is his baseball bat he always kept behind his closet door. That was always the first thing he would take into his room in every place we have ever lived. I have never been able to remove it from behind his door since he left for boot camp and now I will be the one to have to place it in his new room and for me it will be very emotional. It still has his practice ring on it and I've never changed it. I need to be the one to actually move that bat and place it in the new house. I can't let anyone else do it for me.
These are all very silly things in the scheme of things, but for me, that's all I have left in the physical sense and while I am sure I will eventually get adjusted, it will not be easy for me.
A fresh start? I never wanted a fresh start. I didn't want things to change for us. I loved my life just like it was before Dec. 1, 2010. I never wanted anything different. I was happy and content. I was proud of Chad and proud of the life that he had made for him and Katie and the life we had at home with all the kids and looked so foward to how life would be with them back in AR and as they started their own family. A new chapter? No thank you! I would rather have what we had and while I know that isn't going to happen, I can still wish I had that.
I'm fortunate enough to have a husband that loves me when I can't love myself and he has anticipated how I would be feeling about this move and unbeknownst to me last weekend he packed up the window seat in the front room that had all Chad's stuff in it so I wouldn't have to. I didn't ask him or say a word about it, but he somehow knew I would have a hard time doing that so he took it upson himself to pack it up for me. I can't thank him enough for that. I don't know how this weekend will go with packing up most of the rest of the house, but I know I can lean on Tebo if I need to and that does give me comfort. Tia has been very sensitive as well to how this is affecting me and I'm so thankful for that. It's hard enough feeling like this and feeling guilty that it consumes so much of my heart most days so not having to explain my craziness to her makes it easier than it could be otherwise.
I don't really have a choice now that we have acepted offers on both homes now, but to get adjusted to it and I am sure once we get settled and acclimated to the new house things will settle down, but right now my emotions are completely and utterly out of control.
All prayers are welcomed and appreciated as we move into this new chapter of our lives. Please and thank you.
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