Reflection

I spent some time this weekend just reflecting on different things. Mostly on my sweet baby boy and just how blessed we've been as a family. As everyone knows family (whether blood, or feels like blood) dynamics can be very... let's just say, colorful at times. There are always ups and downs and I'm always amazed at how every time there seems to be a "down" in a family that all history is thrown out and they are just "there" for you. That's what building relationships and family is all about. I was really torn about watching the super bowl this year. Part of me wanted to watch it because, I'm mean come on, it was the super bowl. However, there was another part of me that really didn't want to watch it. There were a couple of reasons I was torn. #1, it wasn't one of "my" teams playing in it. #2, Chad & I were always about football and he wasn't here so my heart didn't really seem to be in it. #3, I can barely hear the National Anthem (especially since Chad enlisted) without getting teary eyed and the last thing I wanted to do Sunday night was cry (especially over the National Anthem). I decided since I was so undecided that I would watch through half time and then go to my room and watch a movie I DVR'd and relax. So I did just that. I watched the first half (mostly for the commercials) and then watched the half time show (and yes, I cried during the National Anthem especially when they showed our troops overseas during it) and after the half time show I went to the bedroom and turned on my movie and started watching it. Of course in no time at all I was in the prone position and sound asleep. Tebo called me from Vernon around 9:40pm and said "were you already asleep?" I said yes, I was watching a movie and fell asleep. Let me clarify, I think I got through maybe half the movie before I fell asleep. Ugh! I really wanted to see that movie. Oh well, I went back to sleep and when I got up this morning I started thinking about the fact that this is probably one of very few super bowl games I didn't watch in completion and was thinking that Chad would be glad that the Green Bay Packers won instead of the Steelers (neither he nor I cared at all for any Pittsburgh team, no offense Pittsburgh, it was just our preference). Anyway, I started thinking, I can't imagine going through life let alone losing my only son without my family, friends, bonus kids, and people who just make a point to be precious when you need them to be. I feel so blessed and when I thought about just how blessed I really am I was almost overwhelmed. I could sit and just get lost in my sadness and mourning of losing my precious Chadman, but look what I would be missing. I would miss people (some total strangers) reaching out to me and just sharing their hearts or praying for me or just simply letting me know they are there for me if I need them. It would be my hope and prayer that everyone feels that kind of love and consideration during their life time (preferably not when they have lost someone) so they would know that kind of love and support. It it my "goal" or "dream" or "hope" (whatever you want to call it) that I can pay it forward in my life so that I can hopefully touch at least one person's life like so many have touched mine. I have a feeling (if recently is any indication) that I will get way more than I will be able to return before my time is served. I can already see people (totally strangers right as well as family and friends) interested in helping us with our "project" and we haven't even kicked it off yet. That my family and friends is paying it forward. If you've never seen the movie I would urge you to do so and then consider putting that act in your future plans. I love the idea of helping people anyway, but the thought of "paying it forward" with no expectations of anything in return really gets me excited and hopeful for the future. I will see my baby boy again one day and I want him to be so proud of his mommabear and what better way than to help other soldiers and families enjoy their time together before and after deployment like we were blessed to have with Chad. That will be my life's mission and I proudly take that challenge on. I love you Chad and I love my family and friends as well as my future friends.