Two Year Mark

Tomorrow will mark two years since my baby boy left this earthly world.  I thought I would blog my feelings out today, because I'm certain I won't have it in me tomorrow to do so.  I don't know if because I was so sick this time last year I didn't feel the impact as much or what, but this year seems to be so much harder.  I hate it!  I hate feeling like such a huge part of me is missing and I will never be able to get that back.  The sad part is that I don't believe that will ever change as long as I am breathing.
I'm truly blessed, however.  I have family and friends that love me and I know they want to do something so badly to help or make me feel better, but honestly, there isn't anything anyone can do.  I love that they love me like they do and I can't imagine getting through this world let alone losing Chad without them, but there truly isn't anything anyone can do.  As a wise man says, "it is what it is".  He is right, it really is just what it is and I know over time I will eventually find a way to cope better, but today is certainly not that day.

I was sharing some stories with Tebo last night about Christmas lights and how Chad and I attempted to put up colored lights on our tree one year and the moment we hung them and turned them on we both said they had to go!  We were always straight white lights only and we thought we would just give it a go, but it was an epic fail for us.  I looked at him that day and said, this is even without ornaments can you imagine how busy this tree would look after adding those?  He said, oh mom, this is terrible.  We removed the lights and threw them in the trash and immediately put our white ones up.  I was glad we got that out of our system quick.  He was never just crazy about a Christmas tree and all the decorations once he got out of basically his toddler years so it was just me providing the decorations and the tree for him, but finally when he was in high school he said he could really care less about all that.  You have to laugh, because I always dreaded the mess it made, but I did it every year because I was afraid he would be crushed without it and all the time he felt like I did. HA!  It was actually kind of funny (I guess), but when he enlisted and he wasn't able to be home for Christmas I just could not bring myself to put up a tree.  We rarely had Tebo's kids during Christmas so they weren't being cheated by us not putting one up, but when Chad could be home we put both trees up.  It's funny how even after knowing he could care less about it, I felt the need to do it.  :)  I guess that's what parents do.

I miss our daily phone calls and I miss not being able to call and tell him something funny or about something cool I either I saw or just got or teasing him about what he was getting for Christmas just to find out he already had it figured out.  I miss that.  I miss kissing him on his little head every chance I got just to hear him say "mom" and then grin.  I miss the calls for advice or when he would call scared or worried about something and me talking him down just to hear the calmness rush over him before we would hang up the phone.  Having 22 years of those little things is just hard to have ripped away so suddenly.

I know there are many people that were in Chad's life that will be missing him a little more this weekend and my heart goes out to them all and if I could take on their sorrow for them I would do it in a heartbeat.  I know I can't, but I wish I could.  I barely know how to handle my grief so I certainly don't know how I could help them, but I would certainly give it my best shot.

You know, I could sit at home and cry all day, or scream, or call my sister (who unfortunately know first hand the grief of losing a child), or talk to Tebo or my parents, or talk to my other sisters or bothers, or talk to a therapist, but truthfully all I want to do is be alone with my thoughts and work in my house.  I struggle with verbalizing how I feel or sharing my thoughts and sadness out loud, but seem to do better if I just stay to myself and work through the sadness and write my feelings down.  There are so many others (especially my family) that are hurting right along side me so the last thing I would want to do is burden them with my grief (although I know they would be right there for me in a second).  Besides, what do I say?  I talk about Chad all the time in my every day conversations and I'm always up for hearing stories about him and welcome those, but for me to try and share my grief outside myself seems not only uncomfortable, but just awkward.  I can't explain it, but it just doesn't feel natural to me. 

Two years tomorrow just seems still so unreal to me... Maybe it always will.

Baby Chad with his curls

Got to love that Mountain Dew t-shirt

Still love that sad ball cap...

I love this boy!

His favorite TN shirt

In Afghanistan

Radio Operator... In Afghanistan

;(  Should not be!