take the next step to a new "normal" after the loss of a child? If you know, I would love to have the answer. Losing Chad has left me a completely different person inside and out. I can't explain it, I just know that I'm different. I don't feel like I'm depressed or anything like that. I am sad and I hurt, but it's not that. I'm different. I don't know how to truly explain it. I know that I don't have the spark in my eyes or heart like I did before December 1, 2010. I try at times to fake it or make it be more than it is, but honestly, it's just not there.
This kind of broken heart isn't something time will fix or heal. I get that it's only been 1 year and 9 months since Chad passed away, but for me it's every morning. Since December 1, 2010 I have not closed my eyes for bed once that I haven't remembered that evening when our door bell rang. I relive that moment every single day. It might be my thoughts before bed or a song or seeing someone in military uniform that brings it back, but whatever it is, it is there at least once every day.
I can't replace or fill the whole in my heart with anyone else or anything else. That is never going to happen. I can try to fill a piece of the void with our foundation, Wings for Our Troops "in loving memory of CPL Chad S Wade", but it will never fill the void in my heart.
I can love my bonus kids both through Tebo and the Marine Corps, but it will not ever fill that whole in my heart. It's just the way it is and anyone who has ever lost a child knows what I mean.
Don't get me wrong, I get up each day and I try to live a healthy life and do right in all I do, but never mistake a smile for the moment or laughter for happiness and my heart being ok. My heart will never be ok again.
I am fortunate enough that I have an amazing husband and an amazing family and a wonderful group of friends that help me through each day, but there is nothing anyone can ever do or say that will take away the pain I have in my heart. There will never be a child that will be my blood grandchild, I will never see my son as an adult and see him in action as a father and in the civilian life and become the man I knew he would be. I dread football season because we enjoyed that together so much and now it is more painful to watch than enjoyable. I hate that, because my daddy is still here and we always like to talk back and forth about the games too, but Chad and I loved talking about it and from the moment he enlisted I would save and print all articles about Tennessee and the Colts (for Peyton of course) and mail them to him and make my commentaries that I knew only he would appreciate. I struggle with that now. I want to call him when we get a new vehicle or I get a hair cut or something funny happens with the kids. It's hard not being able to do that.
We had so many little things we shared on a daily basis that most people probably aren't even aware of and it's hard to just not have that anymore. I don't know how I'm suppose to take the next step every day. To be quite honest, I feel like I basically just go through the motions and make my way through the fog I call life anymore.
I do hate this and it's oh so obvious that the Lord is not done with me here on this earth yet, because I continue to wake up every morning, but I'm not exactly sure what I'm suppose to do with the rest of my life without him here.
If you have the secret, please share, because there are more days that I could use it than not. It's just how I feel.
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