When it's one of those days

I had someone tell me one day that they thought I was a rock when talking about me losing my only child in Afghanistan.  I'm not always a rock and that was my response.  I won't lie, most days, I fake my strength.  Sometimes that is easier than letting my feelings out.  On the inside there are scars and bleeding from the hurt and I don't know if that will ever change.  I just know that I still have to get up every day and go to work and face people when that is the last thing I feel like doing most days.  I still have to be a wife, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt.  There really isn't the time or the luxury of just staying in bed and pulling the covers over my head.  I wish some days that I could do that and then I ask myself what good would come from that?  None.  Could it be good for the mind, body, and soul to do that once in a while?  Maybe, but for some reason I feel guilty for doing that and I feel weak.  I'm not a weak person, but to be honest, some days, I feel extemely weak. 
There is a huge piece of my heart that will never return.  It died on Dec. 1, 2010 in Afghanistan by an IED and that will never change.  The way I handle that can and will change on a regular basis, but the heart will never change.  I do not believe it will get easier.  In fact, I believe there will be days yet to come that will actually get harder, but that doesn't mean it gives me the right to give up.  There will be people that will put stumbling blocks in my path and have since that faithful day, but that isn't an excuse for me to be ugly or give into defeat.  There will be health issues with myself and others in my life that will try my patience and faith, but I don't get the chance to give up or keep a bad attitude.  It would be easy at times to do that, but then the enemy wins. 
Don't get me wrong, every day is a struggle and a fight with myself to put my feet on the floor and push forward, but I do it.  My mind, and heart might not be 100% into that day every day, but I give it my best shot.  Some days I achieve this better than others, but at least I keep trying.  There are those out there that find it hard to do that when they face trials and tribulations and I understand that.  I also see how easy it would be to give into that.  There may still be days ahead of me that I might be tempted and may even give into some of that, but it's my hope that I don't stay in that place.
My family has had more than our fair share of heartache and loss and we are still going through some of these trials, but we are trying to stick together and fight this thing the best we can.  Is any of this fair?  No (not in my opinion), but I don't recall us being given a guarantee that everything in life will be fair. 
I've been working through some hurts and pain caused by another person and while I was given one of my sister's a little pep talk and encouragment today I reminded myself that I have allowed another person (human) take away my sense of peace that I've been working so hard to maintain.  I allowed this person to cause me sleepless nights being angry and hurt.  As I was talking to my sister I was suddenly hit between the eyes that I gave this person way more power than they deserved and it was only up to me whether I allowed that to continue or to stop it now.  It is what it is and I believe now that the person that did this to me and potentially to others can no longer have the power over me to control how I feel and react.  I decided when talking to yet another sister that I would pause before responding/reacting and allow myself the chance to get past the anger, but I found the longer I continued to give it time to get past that anger that I was still holding on to it.  That really struck me today and I decided then that I will no longer give that person that kind of power over me or my moods or emotions.  I have enough emotions running through my life right now and I will not allow someone who apparently wants to take the spot light off themselves to affect me in this way for another minute.  I'm done with that kind of none-sense.  If there are people in this world that want to listen to untruths about me then there is absolutely nothing I can do about that except control how I react to it.  I choose to NOT react, but to reflect.  I will evaluate how I live my life and how I treat people and change the things I need to and can, but outside that, there isn't much I can do about the rest. 
I feel like I do a decent job (not perfect) of living my life so that I can lay my head down at night and know I've done the best job I can do in all that I do each day.  Some days I accomplish this better than others, but for the most part I feel I do a pretty good job of it and given that, why would I allow someone who is apparently not all that happy in their own life to control how I feel in mine?  Well, I'm not going to.  I debated over and over if I should approach this person and call them out on what they did, but now that I've thought about it long and hard (and trust me, I've spent way too much time thinking about this) I've come to the conclusion that it isn't worth my time or the stress and strain it could and most likely would put on more than just myself.  So with that said, when I have a day like I had yesterday and I'm having a pity party or I feel like I'm being beat up by others, I will rise above that and still hold my head up and stay true to myself.  If anyone else chooses to believe the words of another over how they know me to be then I can't control that.  All I can do is control how I react to it and I choose not to react at all.  I will let this person be who they are and live with what they have said and done and trust that in the end like my uncle Nolan has always said, "The truth will stand when the world's on fire"...  Why it took me this long to get to this point I do not know, but all that really matters is I finally made it to this point and I'm good with that.  I know the ones that know me and love me, know the truth and I know the truth and that is enough for me. 
There are far more important things in our lives these days.  We need to help a sister get through breast cancer and I still have so much healing to do from losing my child in war and helping my bonus kids get through the loss of a brother/friend and make sense of all that.  Both my parents have now lost grandchildren and that can't be easy.  I know for me if I watched my child lose a child I don't know what I would do so I can't imagine their hurt.  I have an aunt that has been through unbelievable challenges after finally getting engaged after so many years and another aunt that has watched her child and grandchildren go through a horrific ordeal after losing one of her own children.  We've had to watch another aunt and uncle go through a nightmare with a child and grandchild and still try to carry on for their other children and grandchildren and watch another aunt watch her son go through cancer and surgery and she too lost a child.  There are just so many other more important things going on in our lives right now without me getting caught up in the trival hurts that one person tried to inflict and I refuse to give that person anymore power over me. 
I won't ever say what is going on or how I was hurt to that person or anyone else at this point.  This got it off my chest and I am at peace with it now.  I will be fine and so will that person (I hope) and there will be no changing it so why should I waste another moment losing sleep or feeling bad over it?  I shouldn't so I won't. 
Thank you for the light bulb that finally went off in my pea brain today and for me to finally put things back into perspective after several nights of sleepless nights.  No more!  Well, I can't say I won't have sleepless nights, because I believe that is just par for the course, but this  person won't rob me of another night's sleep that's for sure!  :)