So, we are moved in and for the most part unpacked in the new house. There might be some people who will say "oh gosh, you say that about your husband all the time". Well, I will say it as many times as necessary, but he was a rock star throughout this move. He took the week off and did so much that the movers were there 1/3 of the time planned. He did almost all of it on his own. He is amazing and at first I was a little confused because he was the one that was insisting we get movers and I was insisting we could do this on our own and yet here he was doing all of it on his own leaving very little for the movers to actually move. We closed on Wednesday morning and it wasn't until Thursday evening that I finally realized what he had been doing all week. He was doing anything and everything to make this move as easy a transition on me as he possibly could. There are very few men in this world that would go to the lengths that he goes to make sure I'm ok. I could not live on this earth long enough to show him how much I appreciate all he did and continues to do to take care of me.
So what is it really that is making me feel like I do? I have a beautiful new house, and amazing husband, and anything I could imagine including having our very own Chad room. I can't explain the sadness in my heart. I could try, but I would not be able to actually find the words. This was the first time in 24 years I have moved anywhere and Chad not physically been with me. Yes, I did all the traditional things he would do with his "special" stuff, but it wasn't the same. It's been so different. Of course I expected it to be different and I knew it was going to be hard, but I never could have imagined how this would all feel and how overwhelming these feelings could be. I will be working along in the house or at work and all of a sudden there are just streams of tears falling down my face. There really doesn't have to be a trigger, it just seems to happen sometimes. Yes, if I could get a good restful sleep at night maybe it would ease some of these emotions, but that doesn't seem to be the case lately. I lay in bed and my mind goes crazy! I know I keep hoping when I lay my head on my pillow that this will be the night that Chad will visit me in my sleep and tell me it's going to be ok or that he is ok, something, but NO! Nothing. Yes, it might happen eventually and I have no doubt that I'm trying too hard to force it, but I need to hear from him somehow. I can't explain it, I just know it is something I need right now.
I am so grateful to Tebo for all he has done and continues to do to take as much pressure and stress off me, but I need to find a way to figure out how to just let go and let things happen when they are supposed to happen rather than me trying to force the issue.
I want that confirmation that he is ok and maybe that will help me find a little peace. I will never have complete peace until I'm with him again, but a little peace would be welcomed.
I would like to think that I could be half the person to Tebo that he has been for me throughout this horrible tragedy, but there are days I'm not sure I have that kind of strength. He truly is a blessing.
Someone asked me if our new house felt like a home yet and I can honestly say, not yet. Tebo put it perfectly one day, he said it feels like we are visiting someone. It does. I know that will change and once we are really settled and get our new routine (again) it will begin to feel like home, but right now it isn't there. So many things are different and have changed that it's really hard to feel comfort with it all. It's just all too much at times.
I believe that this move and all Tebo was doing was some healing and therapy for him as well as taking care of me and I'm glad he got that as much as I hate how worn out he is. I know for me, I found myself actually paralyzed with sadness and fear to even do much and that is not like me at all and Tebo just kicked into auto pilot and took care of business.
I know my best friend, Barrie Ann, would tell me this was a sign and maybe it was. Maybe I'm not as in tune with "signs" to recognize them when they happen, but when I was working on the office Sunday I came across some papers and stuff that honestly I have no idea how they got there or why they were there, but when I looked at them to determine where I should file them it was old Mother's Day cards from Chad and different writings he did in school and even notes/cards I gave to him. I read through them all and as I was reading through them all the song by Lee Brice "I drive your truck" came on the radio that was playing throughout the house and I just stopped what I was doing and sat in a chair listening to the song and bawling my eyes out. Tebo and Tia were on the patio working and I just sat quietly crying and had a little moment. Once the song was over I dried my eyes and went back to the stack I found and put them in Chad's room. Once I did that and continued in the office I was fine. I guess this will just be another one of those times when giving time to adjust and acclimate is about all I can do. I'm not a very patient person so giving things like this time don't really work well for my personality. :)
I know I've had lots of prayers going up and I can't thank you enough for all that. I know that is the biggest reason I have been able to get this far. Now just pray that I finally get some rest so my mind can stop racing every night all night.
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