Just when you thought you knew...

You know, I think we all feel at times like we have things "figured out"...  Well, I feel I was one of those people who thought I had a pretty good grasp of what life had to offer.  That is, until December 1, 2010.  At that point I believe I began to question if I knew anything at all and then suddenly about a year after that I learned all too well that I still had no clue.
My youngest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  You might thing, I know several women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer (so have I, my own mother, aunts, and sister in law) as well as my "bestie" to be exact), but this was my youngest sister.  She was 36 years old (same as my "bestie") and two young kids at home.  This couldn't happen to her.  Well, it did and I was wrong.  Suddenly we find ourselves as a family watching her go through this horrific disease and feeling completely helpless.  We aren't alone, there are WAY too many families who have or are going through the same or very similar situation.  However, as we all know, when it hits in our own home, you are not only stunned, but you sometimes think you are the only family going through this or the only family who ever went through this.  Well, sadly, we are not and neither are others.
We find ourselves in a position to put our own feelings, hurts, burdens, and responsibilities on hold or the back burner to make sure we are there for Stacy if she needs us.
Well, Tuesday of this week, my youngest sister at 36 years old had a double mastectomy, both ovaries removed, and lymph nodes removed.  I was scared for her and scared for her husband and our parents.  I was fairly certain I knew Stacy was stronger than she thinks she is, but I thought I knew a lot more than I actually did so I began to doubt myself so I turned to my roots and just prayed constantly.  There are probably those out there that say, oh yeah, everyone says they are praying (blah blah blah), but I can assure you, if I tell you that, I will be praying and I try to pray without ceasing.  Praying (to me) without ceasing means you are in an attitude of prayer and throughout the day I pray.  I may not grace the doors of a physical church house every time the doors are open, but from what little I know, it's not required.  Is it preferred or recommended, sure, but not required.  I will get back there one day, it's just not time yet.
I am proud to report that Stacy not only made it through this very difficult surgery very well, but she handled it even better.  The doctor feels the prognosis is GREAT!  He said himself he could not report a better outcome.  The chemo did it's job and he feels they got it all.  Of course we won't know the final detailed report until the pathology reports come back (hopefully Monday), but he felt very good about everything.  I know for our family, we are rejoicing.
Now for the harder part.  She went through chemo really well and she will tolerate the radiation well, but the emotional part of having one of the most "recognizable" parts of a female and something that helps us as women feel like a woman is gone (temporally) for her.  Right now I can assume she feels like less of a woman, most likely like she isn't enough woman for her husband or that he will love her less, she probably feels ugly or like a freak, and all those other things the devil tries to make you think and feel when you are at your lowest.  Let me explain (for me personally) how I see her and how I believe Leckey feels about her.  First, she wore bald very well!  She was/is absolutely beautiful.  I couldn't pull bald off near like she did.  Second, her not having her breasts actually makes me see her face and dimples more.  She is still beautiful.  Once the swelling and stitches go away and she sees some healing taking place, I'm certain she will feel prettier than she might feel now.  She hasn't actually verbalized all she is feeling inside, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what is going on in that head of hers.  She is playing mind games with herself and the devil will do a freaking good job of trying to validate those negative feelings, but while the devil has obviously met me before, I believe he has forgotten how I can get when you mess with my family.  It's on devil like Donky Kong so get ready!
Stacy is already leaps and bounds better than she was the moment she came to after surgery.  She will only improve from here.  She will get stronger and when she gets to the sweet spot of recovery she will feel extremely proud of how she has handled this journey.  So that's how I see Stacy.  Now I would like to take liberties to share how I feel Leckey feels and sees Stacy.  This man loves his wife!  He doesn't see that she hasn't got the same breasts she had when they got married, he sees her eyes like he never saw them before and he sees her beautiful bald head and those sweet dimples.  I would guess that over the years he hasn't noticed those eyes and dimples like he does right now.  He is grateful that she made it through surgery so well and that she has a good prognosis.  He is thinking, thank you God for letting me keep my wife longer to help me raise our children and watch them grow and for her to continue to be my partner in life.  He is wishing he could have taken her place and taken any pain and discomfort onto himself and he is thinking (I believe) "I love my wife more today than I did the day we got married"... He isn't sitting around thinking about what she or he lost, he is feeling grateful and wishing he could do more for her to take her fears away and her pain away.  He KNOWS she is every bit enough woman for him.  He isn't looking at her as anything less and actually quite the contrary, he is probably thinking at times that he isn't worthy of a wife like her.  Their marriage stands to come through the end of this journey stronger than they ever expected it could be and for that, their children will be better for it.  Are they still scared and tired and frustrated with this entire situation?  You bet, but they also see the light at the end of this long tunnel now.
She will start radiation soon and while it won't be a walk in the park, it will be better than she might be anticipating.  She will get a bit uncomfortable from the side effects, but nothing she can't handle (remember she has already proven she can handle more than she thought).  She will probably still struggle with being tired, but that will get better.  Then she gets to start looking forward to her new body.  In about 6 months they will go in and do reconstruction.  She will have what is called a Tram Flap.  Basically what that means is they will remove her belly (tummy tuck, yeah) and create the tissue they will use for her new boobies and if needed will put implants in.  She will have the body she had before she had her babies.  Win-Win...  no more cancer and a new fresh body!  There's that glass half full...  We've been looking for that for several months now!  :)
Stacy is good.  She has moments when she gets a bit emotional (expected and understandable), but her pain is minimal and her spirit is strong.  She still smiles and laughs and still rocking her bald head and her new look right now.
I for one am super proud of her!  I know her husband is proud and I know our parents and family are all proud of her...  Now, I just want HER to be proud of her!  That will come and I pray sooner than later.
If you are reading this I have a couple of requests (ok, maybe 3)... 1) Continue to pray for Stacy for a speedy recovery not only physical, but her mind and spirit as well.  2) If you know of someone else fighting cancer regardless what kind or their age, pray for them and offer support any way you can.  3) If you get the chance to support a fundraiser for cancer research, do it or better yet, participate with it.  I promise you it will change not only your life, but give you a better understanding of what these strong people and their families go through.  Cancer is not an individual disease, it is a family and friend disease.  It touches all of us in different ways so it takes us all to get through it.  Please and thank you.
We ALL love you Stacy (if you are seeing this) and none other than the Lord (who will see you through this with flying colors) and so does Leckey and your family.  Don't ever forget that and if you need to cry, cry!  If you need to scream, scream!  If you want to be alone, tell us!  If you want to feel sorry for yourself, do it (for a short moment)!  :)
You have done great so far, just keep it up.  You are more than halfway through this fight and you still got a lot of fight left in you.  When you feel like giving up, think about Leckey, Peanut, and Scooter and when you think you are alone, know that you are not.  You have many heavenly angels out there helping you, but greater than that you have a personal relationship with the Lord and he will always carry you when you feel too tired or beat up to carry yourself.
Now, get up and walk and know that I'm right here if you need me.  Love you!