Well, made it....

Well, we made it through what would have been Chad's 24th birthday, his first birthday as a civilian since enlisting 4+ years ago, and Memorial Day this weekend.  I wasn't sure how I wanted to spend this weekend.  To be quite honest, if I could have crawled in a hole that seemed like a better option, but it wasn't the right thing to do.
Instead, I took Friday off for vacation (which will most likely become an annual thing for me) and spent some time at the cemetery and took roses.  This year rather than taking just Tennessee orange roses I decided I would find something that served two purposes for me.  I found (lucky me) yellow roses (for the yellow roses of Texas) with Tennessee orange inside (I'm not a huge believer in "signs", but that felt like one to me).  I wanted something to not only signify Chad and our love for Tennessee, but I also wanted something to honor my husband who has literally been the most amazing husband throughout this entire process (and one that I'm certain will be a lifetime process) for me (I never told him I purposely did that, but he noticed the yellow roses immediately).  He just accepts me for however I am at the moment.  Trust me, I've been a lot of different things since December 1, 2010 and he has never once made me feel like I'm not entitled to feel like I feel at that moment.  I would hope and pray that all husbands treat their wives this way, but unfortunately, I know this isn't the way it truly is for everyone and for that I'm sorry, but also grateful that God put Tebo and I together when he did for this very reason.
I took some patriotic cupcakes to the staff at the Fayetteville National Cemetery for all the hard work they do (and trust me, it's a lot of hard work every day) and since it was Chad's birthday I put a little something special in the bag along with the cupcakes.  I also gave them "No Bake" cookies (Chad's favorite sweet thing).  They were so appreciative especially Chris who works in the office.  She is just a doll.  There is another lady in the office who's name escapes me right now that has always been so sweet to me.  So, I thought I would share something with you that means a lot to me and while it may not to anyone else, I hope it made the staff there feel some better.  They have struggled since Chad was placed there with water running right through where Chad is and it caused his headstone to be shorter than the rest of them and difficult for them to get the grass to grow well.  It was hard for me to spend time there on some days, but I would just sit in my car on those days and have quiet time that way so for me it wasn't a huge deal although the fleshy side of me at times did get frustrated.  It wasn't until this week that it was finally all fixed up and the sod was growing amazingly and the water wasn't just staying in that spot all the time.  That's when I realized what an actual blessing it was that all this happened as it did.  See, here is why I believe all that happened (as silly as it might be)... Our family is known for being short (we are Crofts and we are all known for that) and Chad's headstone was the shortest.  Had this not happened we would have never seen deer tracks only on his spot in the Fall.  He loved to hunt.  Then the final and probably to me one of the sweetest memories was with all the water around his resting spot made me remember one of the funniest first moments we had in our house in Bentonville after Tebo and I got married.  We had a ton of water in our backyard from flooding and we weren't getting enough run off at the time to get rid of it so Tebo and Chad were out in the backyard with buckets trying to get the water out of the backyard before it could flood the deck and get into the house.  He worked just as hard as Tebo with his big 'old rubber boots on and it was the cutest thing that I had to get a picture (of course).  See, had his spot been perfect from the start I wouldn't have had those little reminders.  I shared this with Chris and one of the workers and they just laughed and seemed glad rather than sorry like they were at first.
In addition to getting them the "No Bake" cookies, I picked up a box for Tebo.  That might not seem like a big deal to most, but I don't usually have sweets in the house (well except for me) so that was a treat all in itself, but I wanted him to have Chad's favorites for the 25th and he did.  :)
Once I left the cemetery I had the pleasure of a massage thanks to a dear girlfriend, Kristin Allen, and let me just say, apparently I needed that more than I thought.  The massage therapist, Megan, was an absolute doll and while she had no clue what that day was like for me or that it was even Chad's birthday she never said a word (I hate it when they talk).  She just gave me a great massage for an hour and could not have been a sweeter person.  Once I left there I noticed I had a message from my dear girlfriend, Kristen Jeffery (aka KJ), that simply said, I put some comfort food in your fridge.  I thought I knew what it might have been, but I didn't even check until after I had my shower.  Once I checked the fridge I saw my comfort food and it was exactly that.... cookie dough.  :)  She knows me well.  I got a little cookie dough and something to drink and sat on the deck with my country music playing in the background and just sat and enjoyed the quiet.  Around 3:00 my sister, Stacy, came over and joined me on the deck.  We had some nice sister time and waited for Tebo get back in town.  He joined us on the deck for a few hours and then he took us to dinner, Red Lobster (aka Red Slobber) and we had a great dinner.  Once we returned to the house Stacy went home and Tebo and I just had us time and went to sleep.  All in all it was a good day and while it was emotional and I struggled a lot on the inside, those around me made me feel like I had arms of comfort all around me all day in the most amazing ways.  It might have been a phone call, a voice mail, a text, a FB message, or just simply changing their FB profile picture to a picture of Chad.  That kind of love and compassion is hard to come by and I was lucky enough to not only get that Friday for Chad's birthday, but today for Memorial Day as well.
It was truly what I would call a bittersweet day and outside of not having Chad here, I wouldn't change a thing.
As for today, I struggled with what to do.  I wanted to spend the day with family, but I also wanted to go to the ceremony at the Fayetteville National Cemetery and also just wanted a quiet day to reflect and not necessarily celebrate.  So, while it was hard not hanging out with my family, we chose to go to the cemetery this morning and have a late breakfast and then home.  I actually came in and took a long nap and just hung out on the deck listening to music between getting laundry done.  I think I made a good choice for me today.  I know my family understands and honestly, it's just something I needed to do.  I don't know if I will ever be able to celebrate Memorial Day the way I use to before again, but I think that will be ok too.  Those that can't or won't understand will just have to get past it and I will always do my best to never hurt anyone's feelings over it, but this is just something I think I need to do at least for now.  Maybe it will change one day and maybe not, but for now, this seemed to have worked for me.  One of Chad's buddies was planning to be here this weekend with us (USMC buddy), but things didn't work out for him to be here and I truly believe it was God's plan to give us both some time to reflect and go through this holiday and birthday in our own way.  So for this man (I will keep his name private for him) it was very important for him to be here and I know that, but it actually turned out to be a good thing (hopefully for us both) and not only do I completely understand why he wasn't able to come, but I also know that you actually were here with me all weekend.
So for this milestone (and I know many more to come), we did it.  I have to say, because I couldn't have done it alone so for all of you that sent cards, called, text, FB, or just plain came over I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I felt the love from all of you whether you were physically here or not.  Thank you.