I hate this to say the very least. I know there is nothing I can do to change the circumstances (if we could wouldn't we all), but some days it just seems more impossible than others.
I had my bestie tell me something that is perfect to describe how I feel. She said people use to tell her when her daddy died that it would get easier and she would say I don't want it to ever get easy to miss him. I feel exactly the same way. I never want it to get easy to miss Chad, but I know what they mean when they tell you that.
I've been dreaming a lot lately (well nightmares really) and can't shut my mind off at night. Needless to say that means I'm not sleeping well and I'm sure that lends to how I'm feeling lately, but it is what it is and there isn't much I can do about that right now, but pray that part eases some.
I've also been in a purging mode again and find myself getting rid of things I never thought I would (silly sentimental things only meaning anything to me of course), but sometimes it feels therapeutic to do that and boy have I been having lots of therapy lately.
Poor Tebo, I don't know how he manages to deal with me. I know for the most part he doesn't even know the extent of how my heart is feeling right now because I try really hard to shelter him from that as much as I can, but it's hard not to notice when I start cleaning stuff out. :) Poor guy. I have to say though, I could not have a better man standing by my side through all this. He never complains and just lets me have my "crazy" moments and never says a word. He might question me to make sure I really want to get rid of something, but once I say yes he never mentions it again. I dare you to find many guys that would be that good about this stuff and trust me, I even notice how crazy I seem at times so I'm sure I'm off the charts to him or anyone else.
I do hate that I'm not sleeping well, because I know that does affect his sleeping as well, but again, he never complains. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him, but I'm sure glad I did it.
My family is really good about just overlooking my craziness too. I think they are pretty use to me by now and granted they don't see my real craziness when I'm at home and in one of my "therapy" modes, but they just let me go and do what I think I need to do and then laugh about it later. :) I'm good with that as long as they don't get in my way.
Poor Tia probably doesn't know what to think, but luckily for her most of these moments have hit when she has been on a visit to Vernon to see her mom and the kids. Hopefully I don't scare her to death one day.
I'm telling you, my bestie seems to get the brunt of a lot of my craziness and she just patiently listens and lets me cry or whatever I need to do and then she encourages me and always lifts me up. I'm pretty lucky to have her in my life. I don't know that I add much to hers right now, but she certainly adds to mine.
I guess I need to just figure out a way to get through May and maybe things will settle down. I Just have to keep focused and hold on to what I can that might be the closest thing to normal I can get and hang on until this ride is over or at least takes a little break for a bit.
Any prayers will be appreciated as that seems to be the only thing anyone can really do anyway. That is of course unless someone out there has found a way to resurrect Chadman. Now that I would take in a second. Oh lighten up, we have to have a little humor through all this sad craziness or I really will go insane. :)
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| How do you not love that smile |
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| Momma sure does miss you baby boy |
Oh sweetness....it hurts my heart to read this post, but I'm not surprised. I feel like the worst thing a person can do is try to rush their grief. Because society wants us to be OK, they want us to not be sad. But really?? It's perfectly fine to be sad and to be a whole lot of sad. And the best thing we can do is just feel it and don't push it away or try to hide it or move it along. Of course your friends and family don't want you to be sad, either, but if they love you, they'll let you be and feel what you need right now, without feeling the need to fix it or make you happy again. Because, believe it or not, you'll get there someday. But there is NOTHING more unfair or unnatural in this world than a parent burying a child. And you're 16 months in...in the grand scheme of things...that's a drop in time. If it had been 16 years, I would say maybe we need to look into some hospitalization... ;) but in 16 years, you won't feel this intensely all the time. You'll get a break.
ReplyDeleteI understand what they mean when they say "it gets easier." It means that a day will come when you don't lose your breath over your loss. You'll have more happy days than sad ones. And you'll find peace. You aren't there yet and we're just going to keep loving you through it. Reading and praying and laughing and drinking wine and sharing silly emails and remembering Chad to keep his memory close. You can tell us stories (like the one about Easter - LOVED that!) and he'll always be with us. Although you won't be making new memories with him, you may learn new things about him from his friends that you can hold on to until you see him again.
I love you, girl! Keep writing. Keep getting it out. Otherwise, your stomach is going to fight back! ;) xoxo
All I can say is that we love you very much! We are praying for you and sooooo wish we were in AR or you were in NC. I couldn't agree more with everything that Allyson said. You have great friends and family that are here for you day or night! We all love you with every ounce of love we have. Your baby boy is watching over from Heaven just like he always has. Tebo is a wonderful man that loves you very much! I'm so glad you found each other. I worry about you so much and it would just be so much more if you didn't have him. Atleast, I know that you are safe and taken care of with Tebo. We love you, don't you ever forget that! And yes, please keep sharing all of your Chadman stories and pictures. I cry through them but I LOVE reading them!
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